When one sees Tiger Woods surrounded by his bevy of babes in a Brady Bunch-style grid, one can't help but hum their own little tune with the disgraced golfer in mind...
Here's the story,
Of a bunch of ladies,
Who were among the many babes from Tiger's whirls.
Some of them had hair of gold,
Like his children's mother,
The youngest one in curls.
Here's the story,
Of a man named Tiger,
Who should have stayed with his wife and kids at home.
They were a family,
Yet Tiger felt alone.
Til the one day when these ladies met this fellow,
Each one wanting Tiger more than just at lunch,
But in the end,
These women formed a family,
That's the way they all became The Tiger Bunch!
The Tiger Bunch...
The Tiger Bunch...
That's the way they became The Tiger Bunch!
We all know what Tiger has been up to since news of his infidelities surfaced, but what has become of his many, MANY mistresses?
Have no fear, the answers are here- welcome to this week's slideshow, "Tiger Woods Mistresses: Where Are They Now?"—in stunning, reverse chronological order!
At 22 years of age, Raychel Coudriet satisfied Tiger's appetite for the girl next door—literally and figuratively.
As Coudriet's neighbor, Tiger knew the young girl since she was a 14-year old teen.
So what has Coudriet been up to since she came out with her story in April?
For starters, Raychel certainly has tried to keep her feet firmly planted to the ground—which can be a bit tough when you're being hoisted upside down for kegstands.
Additionally, Raychel has been keeping us all updated on her Twitter account.
At 8:06am, May 5, 2009 Raychel declared shananigans at breakfast, tweeting "how rude...im at breakfast starvingggg and the waitress brings out Chad's food like 5 minutes before mine!! grrrrrrrrr..."
At 8:29am, May 9, 2009, Raychel was "kickin' it with mom for Mother's Day."
At 10:07pm, May 11, 2009, Raychel tweeted, "went to visit Thomas in the hospital tonight... he's been in a coma for 2+ months now... Stay strong buddy-- we're all prayin for you!!"
Raychel, know that we're keeping Thomas in our thoughts as well.
Tiger has been said to have pitched his tent on India's soil, not once but twice.
The first Indian beauty Woods has been linked to is Priyanka Chopra, who has held the title of Miss World and has starred in many Bollywood films.
So what is she doing now?
Priyanka's latest film, "Anjaana Anjaani" is due out in India theaters on September 24, 2010.
Apparently, Chopra plays a character who is trying to find luck in her life after several failed attempts at love. She decides to commit suicide but finds herself on the same bridge as another down-on-his-luck fellow.
No, the guy isn't named Tiger.
Tiger's smiling because Lara Dutta is the second Indian actress and model he's been linked to.
Dutta is a former Miss Universe and like her counterpart Priyanka Chopra, is also a well-known actress in Bollywood.
So what has Dutta been up to these days?
Dutta has been on television tabloid shows...
She's been on the cover of Vogue India...
Dutta can also be seen in the 2010 Bollywood film, "House Full"—which is basically about a bunch of people living in a house.
Bollywood films are deep.
Emma Rotherham is a 42-year-old Canadian who has resided in Celebration, Florida—where apparently Tiger had been doing some serious "celebrating" with her.
According to the tabloids, Tiger loved seeing her in black stockings and suspenders.
So what has Rotherham been up to lately?
Rotherman is reportedly in trouble with U.S. Immigration officials for illegally residing in the United States.
Rotherham, who was deported from the U.S. a few years ago and is now in danger of a second deportation, has also moved on from one dog to the next.
Unlike Tiger, at least this dog appears happy to be taken by his lady friend for long walks in public.
Devon James was the second pornstar with the surname James whom Tiger had an affair with.
How did the two meet? Through another girl.
As James stated in an interview with Rush & Molloy of the New York Daily News, " He wanted to have a threesome. She asked me to come over. I walked in, and they were watching dirty, dirty triple-X porn and drinking. He said, 'Hi, I'm Tiger.' And we just started."
So what is James doing now that she's finished with what she started?
Apparently not happy with her 15 minutes of fame, Devon has managed to remain in the public eye.
For starters, James has waged a lengthy battle to acquire Tiger's DNA samples in an effort to prove that he is the father of her 9-year old son.
That poor kid...
Perhaps not traumatizing her son enough, James has also agreed to box an unnamed opponent in Atlantic City's Celebrity Wrestling Ring on July 30, 2010.
After all, isn't capitalizing from one's own notoriety the new American way?
Yes Tiger, there's more.
As much as he would like to "Shhh!" his critics, it's onward "ho"—to the next slide of course!
Rockin' around...the Christmas tree....
Best known as the 47-year old "cougar" mistress who taught Tiger everything he needed to know between the sheets, Theresa Rogers is still managing to stay in the public spotlight.
How is she doing this?
Rogers has stayed afloat in the public spotlight by submerging herself in a tub of wine bottles while seeking DNA testing to prove that she and her 7-year-old daughter are "Daddy" Tiger's little girls.
Tiger's smiling and it's not because he's at a Master's press conference.
Loredana Jolie is a former Playboy model and escort who according to her, has provided "services" to many celebrities but none "bigger" than Tiger Woods.
So what has Loredana been doing to further enhance her post-Tiger life?
After initially denying rumors that she was linked to Tiger Woods, Loredana announced she would sell the rights to a tell-all book for the right price.
In an effort to promote herself a bit more, Jolie appeared on the Italian show "Chiambretti Nights" with Piero Chambretti to do a little bit of smiling....
...and a little bit of staring at a woman's buttocks as an image of an angry Tiger Woods is displayed on a backstage screen.
So what else was there for Loredana to accomplish?
In March, Loredana paid a visit to Howard Stern's radio show and competed with two other women in the Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant.
As a runner-up, Jolie received a fifteen-thousand dollar cash prize.
Jolie's publicity campaign seems to have come to an "end" with her March, 2010 photo spread in Vanity Fair Magazine.
Again, Tiger's smiling but it has nothing to do with scoring under par.
Joslyn was the first porn star James to make it on Tiger's scorecard. She has starred in films such as Porn Star Brides and Sex Teacher No. 12, the latter of which must have appealed to Woods.
So what has James been up to?
James has tried to capitalize on her trysts with Tiger by releasing a history of private text messages from the golfer on her own personal website.
While competing at The Barclay's Golf Tournament in Jersey City on August 28, 2009, Tiger sent a text message to James stating, "I would love to have the ability to make you sore."
A lot of women would like to make Tiger sore—by slapping him across his face.
Tiger's "unknown Orlando cocktail waitress" remained unknown until her ex-boyfriend decided to blow the whistle on her identity in December of 2009.
According to her ex-boyfriend, Julie Postle was only 21 years of age when she met Woods while working at Orlando's Roxy Night Club.
Apparently Woods would go postal for Postle, to the point where she gave him his own special ring tone—"Mr. Brightside."
"Mr. Brightside" is a song by the band The Killers and contains lyrics that center around a jealous male lover.
So what's a girl to do when she's been hunted by Tiger?
First, you dye your hair purple...
...then you cancel your old Facebook account and create a new one under the alias Jewelie Purple...
...and THEN you move to Texas.
Solid plan right?
By now you should know that if Tiger's smiling it can only mean one thing—he's gawking at another pornstar actress.
Holly Sampson, who starred in the film "My First Sex Teacher #18" (an apparent sequel to Joslyn James' "My First Sex Teacher #12"), is unlike most of Tiger's other mistresses in that she slept with him only once- at his bachelor party.
So what is Holly up to nowadays?
The Wonder Years?
Yes, The Wonder Years.
When you have a Tiger mistress who is still doing porn (she cashed in on the Woods drama in "Tiger's Tail") and hasn't changed a thing in her life since the whole fiasco, you have to go with the flow—which in this case, leads to digging up a blast from Sampson's past.
Would you believe it if you were to read that Holly Sampson played Teri—Kevin Arnold's romantic interest—in two episodes of The Wonder Years?
Apparently even Winnie Cooper couldn't keep her man's eyes from wandering in Holly Sampson's direction.
Don't let the No. 9 in the photo fool you—put in Seussian terms, Tiger's sixth tryst was with Cori Rist.
Rist, a Manhattan club-goer, was outed by her ex-husband when he provided proof of wire transfers that showed Woods was providing payments to his former lover.
Rist was devastated by the effect her affair had on her son.
So what is a mother to do to protect the son she loves?
You do what any mother would do...
...you discuss all of the shameful details of the affair in front of a national TV audience with Natalie Morales on NBC's Today Show.
Having completed that mission, Cori wondered to herself, "OK, so I've taken my story to the Today Show...what do I need to do next to protect my son?"
Again, you do what any mother would do...
...you go on the Italian-based show "Chiambretti Nights" and flirt with the show's host Piero Chiambretti while an angry-looking image of Tiger Woods is displayed behind you.
Once Cori did that, she then wondered to herself, "OK, so now I've flirted with Piero Chiambretti on Italian TV, what's my next play in saving my son's dignity?"
Again, you do what any mother would do....
...you wipe away a fake tear while the angry image of Tiger Woods continues to lurk behind you.
So if you're one of those moms who has slept with Tiger Woods but hasn't gone public to profit yet, you now have the necessary tools to do so as this completes our Cori Rist training in "How to Cleanse Your Sons and Daughters of the Emotional Wounds Caused by an Admission of an Affair With Tiger Woods."
Who said slideshows weren't educational?
Yes Tiger, there's still more- don't sweat it my friend, we're more than halfway through our tour.
Hey wait a second...that's not a Tiger mistress—that's former New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer's call-girl Ashley Dupre!
No wonder why Tiger's angry- she's one of the few high-profile escorts who he didn't get the chance to play with.
Could'a, would'a, should'a, eh Tiger?
Mindy Lawton is a 34-year-old Orlando area waitress who became the fifth Tiger mistress to be publicized.
Lawton met Woods while she was working at Perkins Restaurant & Bakery. According to Lawton, Woods and his family were frequent diners at Perkins which has to leave people wondering to themselves:
"You're Tiger Woods. You earned $90 million dollar in endorsement deals alone. Why are you bringing your family to Perkins Restaurant & Bakery?"
Apparently to ogle Mindy Lawton and her "buns."
So what is Lawton's claim to her post-Tiger fame?
Apparently not that much, although Lawton did appear in the March, 2010 edition of Vanity Fair Magazine.
Hopefully Perkins saved a few tables for her to wait on.
Jamie Jungers is a 26-year-old lingerie model and waitress from Las Vegas who was the fourth Tiger mistress to meet the public eye.
Jungers and Woods would usually "tee off" at his California home, an affair which lasted for almost two years.
She was also reportedly paid by Tiger for her services and used the cash for liposuction on her thighs.
As cellulite was sucked out, what has Jungers been doing since she was sucked into Tiger's den?
Jungers first told her story to the New York Post.
Then she did what a proper mistress should do...
...she went on NBC's Today Show to discuss the New York Post article with Natalie Morales.
Then to top it all off...
...you not only compete in Howard Stern's Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant- you actually win it!
Not only did Jungers win the crown and title of "Queen of all Tiger Mistresses," but she won a $75 thousand dollar cash prize as well.
That could probably pay for a lot of liposuction.
Kalika Moquin is a Las Vegas nightclub marketing manager who was the third Tiger mistress to be publicly outed.
Although Moquin has been linked to Woods, she has neither confirmed or denied the allegations.
So what is Moquin doing now?
Kalika has been featured as one of the most influential people in Vegas nightlife in Life & Style Magazine.
The magazine MUST have positioned her in Week No. 1 because she is a talented marketing manager and NOT because she's neither confirmed or denied sleeping with Tiger.
Sure, that must be the reason.
Jaimee Grubbs is a former cocktail waitress, reality TV show star (if you consider VH1's Tool Academy to be a noteworthy reality TV show), and Tiger's second mistress to come out of hiding.
Grubbs has claimed that she had a 31-month relationship with the golfer and only brought her story to light because she felt betrayed by Tiger and a possible "other woman."
So aside from her instinct being proven correct, what else has Grubbs been up to?
Jaimee has continued to look good as you can clearly see from her poses in the February 2010 issues of Maxim and Ralph's Magazines.
Grubbs was also a contestant on Howard Stern's Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pageant but finished as a runner-up to Jaime Jungers.
On a positive note, Grubbs received a $15-thousand dollar cash prize from Stern just for competing.
On a not-so-positive note, Grubbs was arrested in West Hollywood back in April for outstanding warrants and had to post a $30,309 bail.
Good thing she had that runner-up money.
Why does Tiger have that frustrated "my cover is blown" look on his face?
Well that's Rachel Uchitel, a New York City club promoter and Manhattan socialite smiling back at him.
As the first of Tiger's mistresses to be publicly outed, Uchitel initially denied the rumors but has since confirmed her relationship with the golfer.
Uchitel has felt ostracized by the tabloids and has cried for privacy on more than one occasion.
So what is the formula for success when a Manhattan socialite wants to protect her privacy?
First, you take provocative photos of yourself for the world to see and then agree to pose nude for Playboy magazine for what's sure to be a hefty sum of money.
Then, and only then...
...do you agree to appear on the reality-TV show Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew.
Although it was initially thought that Rachel would be on Celebrity Rehab to deal with a prescription drug addiction, she will actually be dealing with emotional issues which resulted from the Tiger fiasco.
Uchitel was also in discussions with Donald Trump to be a star on the upcoming season of Celebrity Apprentice but when Trump found out that she agreed to do Celebrity Rehab he had two words for her...