Manny Ramirez Signs Eight-Year, $215 Million Contract (Humor)

E ASenior Analyst IJuly 30, 2008

BOSTON—All-star left fielder Manny Ramirez announced late Wednesday evening that he would be leaving the Boston Red Sox after their game on Friday, August first. The Sox will be releasing him prior to the game, and he will promptly sign an eight year, $215 million dollar contract to play with another team.

Ramirez will be leaving Boston, Massachusetts. In fact, he will even be leaving the United States and even planet Earth! Now you might be asking, where then, will he be signing? Well keep reading, and you'll find out!

Boston's soon to be ex-slugger will be signing with the Mannyville Snails, located on Planet Ramirez. This brings up a great question: just where the heck is Mannyville? Mannyville is made up. Ramirez will ink this contract late Friday night or early on Saturday, and he probably will be paying himself the money, since the Snails, or Mannyville, or Planet Ramirez do not exist.

Ramirez said that his main reason for leaving the team was "lack of mental peace." He went on to say that you cannot put a price tag on mental peace, and that is why he left the Red Sox.

He apologized to fans and teammates, who he hopes can stay loyal to him in these tough times, and announced that he still loves them all, but he's tired of the front office trying to get him to act like a classy 36-year-old man. Why should Ramirez have to put up with that?

Ramirez said he'll have plenty of mental peace on Planet Manny and the Mannyville Snails. He will not only be the left fielder, but will also be playing center field, right field, third base, short stop, second base, first base, catcher, and an entire staff of 12 pitchers.

Ramirez will also be the team's manager, hitting, and base running coach. His friend Pedro Martinez will serve as pitching coach most of the time, since he has nothing better to do while on the DL.

After the press conference, Red Sox manager Terry Francona was interviewed after the game, and said he will try to recommend Ramirez to a good therapist.