The Bachelorette: Oh The Drama!!!
And then there were 3:
But first the drama.....turns out that the Talented Mr. Ripley (aka Frank) actually does have a secret life. Unfortunately it wasn't what I predicted (cutting human beings up in small pieces) but instead he has a.....girlfriend. OOOOOOOOO. He decides to visit her in Chicago to see if he still loves her (in other words, he used the show and Ali to get the girl jealous and now that she sees she beat out Ali, she falls head over heels for the guy with no job, no prospects, and no dowry--win, win).
ABC saves an hour for Frank and his drama with Ali....but first, they needed to rush through the other dates. ABC is actually pretty stoked that this worked out...they had been planning for weeks on how to fill air time with Rainbow Ice and Ali (how many times can a guy say, "This reminds me of my mom.")....anyway, they found a savior with Frank and his drama.
First up Roberto:
The lovely couple is in Tahiti and these two lovebirds roll around on the sand for awhile....Ali hurries into the water so millions of people don't judge her by her hips and ABC gives us a few gratuitous shots of her best feature (her breasts). Roberto seems to be "falling in love" with her but that is because she is the only girl around. Ali pulls out the Fantasy Suite card and Roberto asks Ali what she wants to do....she of course says, "Yes." (what she really meant to say is: There is no way I could pull you in real life even if your name is Roberto. So I might as well get some action with a real man before I have to go on a date with Rainbow Ice and Mr. Ripley).
Next up Chris L:
Did ABC show this date? I'm not sure. I'm trying to remember seeing just a few minutes of them together....let's see....hmmmm....I think I remember them on a boat but ABC just showed the boat. I think I remember them at dinner but ABC just showed what they ate. Was there a fantasy suite card? I think I remember Chris L. reading the card and being stoked because he finally had some cue cards to read and therefore they had something to talk about....not sure.
Last up Frank:
This was good TV just because we all knew what was going to happen and the tears that were bound to follow. That's what makes this show great: Emotional breakdowns when someone loses that special girl or guy after falling madly in love with them after only 3 dates.
Ali is no different. Frank so "eloquently" breaks the news that he's in love with some chick with an extremely large nose and Ali calls him a coward. (not sure that word applies here...I mean what is he a coward about? Maybe he's a coward because he didn't go through with what he had planned...the fantasy suite where he gets her alone and chops her up into little pieces). Not sure. Anyway, Chris Harrison gets into the act and swoops down to save the day (he's always the shoulder someone cries on whether it be Ali or Jillian or Jake).
ABC still has 10 minutes to fill so they do the "most dramatic rose ceremony ever" with the two remaining bachelors and a cut-up lifesize cardboard image of Frank. No one knows who's going home? Could it be Roberto because of his name? Could it be Chris L. because he was born without a tongue? Or could it be the cut-up cardboard image of Frank?
Turns out to be the latter. Chris L. can't believe his luck. For weeks he was supposed to get cut by Ali but he has become the quiet assassin. He doesn't outrun the bear, he just keeps outrunning the slowest dude. He is so stoked that he decides to run to Walgreens to buy more hair product and make his fo-hawk even bigger.
ABC puts the cardboard cut-out in the limo and rubs some onions on the cardboard so it looks like Frank is crying.
Next week: Roberto tells Ali that he will not change his name for her and therefore Chris L. is the last man standing...of course it is Ali who has to go down on a knee and ask him to marry her (unless of course ABC gives him a cue card).
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