The Trial of Mike "Blackbeard" Leach

Stan SillimanCorrespondent IIJuly 22, 2010

               The Trial Of Mike "Blackbeard" Leach

The wrongful dismissal trial of Coach Mike Leach vs. Texas Tech has been going on behind closed doors but, if you’re like us, you can’t wait for the jury to be involved. Plus we expect Coach Leach would like to get it over with for if we know anything about pirates, it is this: pirates aren’t patient.

And if we learned anything about Leach, we know he likes pirates... and if he could be one, he would. What if the trial were still going on on September 19th or “Talk Like a Pirate Day”? What if Mike Leach was able to have a jury of his peers? What if when Leach took the stand on that day he spoke as a pirate? See below:  

Lawyer: We see you’re dressed in seafaring garb, Mr. Leach. Do you feel you were wronged by Texas Tech?

L each: Aye, matey!  They came for me doubloons!

Lawyer: But they said you sequestered a player against his wishes.

Leach: Lies, they be. All lies. Landlubber talk! Belay ye landlubber talk, me hearty.

Lawyer: But they said you took young master James and put him in a dark room.

Leach: Shiver me timbers! He be lucky he weren’t keelhauled from the poopdeck.

Lawyer: So you sent him into the dark room as a punishment?

Leach: ‘ave ye be nippin’ on a noggin’ o’ rum, ‘ave ye? All scurvy scallywags walk ye plank. We didn’t send James to Davy Jones locker. We kep’ him cool ‘n dark fer ‘is own good.

Lawyer: So ye…er… you did place him in the dark?

Leach: ‘ave ye no ears? We run no school fer milksops! Football be our game ‘n it be no game fer yellow-bellied sapsuckers or fat little wenches. Do ye savvy, or arrrre ye a landlubber?

Lawyer: I’m no land… er, strike that. So you did lock up Mr. James?

Leach: Never said lock, me hearty. Fer ‘is own good, we placed ‘im. Arrrrgh? This squabble has little to do wit Adam James. The cheap bastards be tryin’ not to pay me my booty.   

Lawyer: So you think the James matter is a straw dog?

Leach: Avast! Do not speak o’ dog, ya pompous gasbag. Grog, aye. Dog, nay. We had an agreement, aye. I win games and they pay me plunder.

Lawyer: Young James was cleared to practice and came in sunglasses. Why remove him?

Leach: Arrrgh! We be in Lubbock. Sunglasses are fer wussywogs. Eye patches, ya mangy cockroach, don’t ye see? Eye patches fer all! If’n I let one lad go wuss, they all go wuss.
The Trial Of Mike
Lawyer: Judge, could you make the witness stop talking like a pirate?

Leach: (standing): No can do, ye lilly-livered landlubber. I ought draw me musket on ye just fer askin’. Give me my doubloons and I be sailin’ out o’ here. 
Lawyer: Judge, this is too much. Please instruct the witness…

Leach: He’s a lubber, Judge. Don’t ye listen to that scurvy bilge rat! He’s tryin’ to take me hawse. I did no wrong. I’m Michael “Blackbeard” Leach. They all be rogues a-plotting. I’m Michael “Blackbeard” Leach and I’m a better man than all ye milksops put together!

Lawyer: Judge, he’s pulled a sword on me! Judge! Judge! Eyyyowwwwww…..