"Good afternoon, everybody. I called this press conference today to address the faithful fans of the Cleveland Indians."
"We are currently in the midst of another disappointing season, sitting in last place in the division and nearly 20 games from our rivals, The Detroit Tigers, and current division leaders, the Chicago White Sox."
"As a result of our on-field failings the past few seasons, our attendance has declined steadily since 2007. We currently risk averaging less than 20,000 fans per game for the first time since 1992, back when the team still called Cleveland Municipal Stadium home."
"Contrary to popular belief, I want the Indians organization to be as successful as you do. I can only hope to someday return to the prominence we experienced in the mid- and late-1990's, where we became the first Major League ballclub to sell out before the season even started."
And that is why we're here today.
I recently found myself out on Ontario Avenue when my phone rang. I answered and after about a minute of conversation, the phone call was lost. This has in fact happened on several occasions with my new iPhone 4 from AT&T.
Frustrated once again, I reached my office in Progressive Field and turned on the news. Coincidentally at that exact time, I caught a news story on the newest version of the iPhone. Dropped calls have become a common complaint amongst many consumers.
Steve Jobs, Apple's CEO, announced a press conference to address this issue. But alas, I found out that there was a way to fix this problem in a more frugal manner (which, contrary to what some fans want to say, is not a euphemism I use for "cheap").
Apparently, if you stick a small piece of duct tape to the lower left side of the phone, it will fix the problem of inadvertently disrupting the signal with the new antenna.
That's why it surprised me that Steve Jobs wanted to spend money when I all need to do is find some duct tape. That's like keeping a promising pitcher who'll just ask for more money when his contract is up.
So for you Cleveland Indians fans, here is what I propose to fix our attendance issues: "Tribe Tape."
A single 6-inch piece of duct tape (choose between red, blue or white) bearing the logo of your favorite team! Choose between Chief Wahoo, the fashionable cursive Indian "I," or a throwback logo.
This will be handed to you at the gate, at which time you should immediately find your seat. Once there, place "Tribe Tape" over both of your eyes, sit back, and enjoy Cleveland Indians baseball again!
I'm sure some of you are thinking that there is a better solution; this was my exact thought when I heard about using duct tape on my $300 iPhone.
However, you won't realize the benefits until you try.
Just think: you no longer have to feel constrained by knowing the score, who's up, or which inning it is. In fact, our public address announcer won't even use player or team names when colorfully describing the action to you!
Anyway, your eyesight is just one of the five senses you can use at the ballpark. Plus, I saw this special on the Discovery Channel once where if you take away one of your senses, it enhances the other four to animal-like capabilities.
By June of every season, the crack of the bat will pop louder in your ears. The National Anthem and seventh inning stretch will resonate like an opera house. The hot dogs will taste juicier.
The smell of peanuts and cotton candy will permeate through the air to tickle your nose. And the frosty cold beer in your hand will feel like you're gripping an icicle.
"Tribe Tape" won't take away from the game. No, no: it will actually intensify your baseball and Indians experience, all without having to witness the blooper reel that is our team.
Oh, before I forget -- for you special fans brave enough to sit in foul-ball territory, a replica Indians helmet garnished with a softball facemask will be waiting for you in your seat to prevent any visits to the dentist after your family outing to the ballpark.
This, however, needs to be returned to the seat upon the game's completion. We're not made out of money like some companies, eh, Apple?
But wait, there's more! "Tribe Tape" will not only be to your benefit at the ballpark, but can allow you to keep that oblivious feeling at home.
The next time you open up the sports page at the kitchen table, just apply "Tribe Tape" to the whole American League Central standings!
And as a precautionary measure, I'd also like to suggest purchasing an additional piece of "Tribe Tape" for a the low cost of $39.95 to apply over the "trades and transactions" portion of your sports page.
That way, we will no longer crush your hopes and dreams during the trade deadline again!
So you see, Tribe fans, it will be okay to purchase tickets for the whole family for a Cleveland Indians game again.
If duct tape can fix my $300 phone or affix my rear light to my car, then it's good enough to fix our team! We don't need to make like Steve Jobs and pour money into a unfortunate dealing.
You can come to the games without having to worry about whether you'll see a catastrophe of a game. Simply apply "Tribe Tape" and cheer on the Indians like it's 1995!
Thank you for your time. It's a beautiful day for a ballgame! Go Tribe!