Hulk Hogan: The Immortal Parasite

Hulk Hogan was recently quoted in the Wrestling Globe Newsletter , “Hopefully, I won’t get back in the ring again, because I can’t afford any more broken things.”

Thank God. I am a happy man.

Just a fair warning—in my second column written back on June 14, my topic was John Cena. I presented my opinion that Cena shows tremendous heart for the business, but can’t work.

I gave what I felt was a fair, honest assessment of John Cena—the personality and the man. I was openly criticized for the piece, even accused of “Cena bashing” by some readers.

So get ready for this.

Hogan is the biggest, most self-centered parasite to ever set foot in a wrestling ring.

A lot of fans love Hogan. That much is fact, and no doubt some of them will rush to his defense. I expect it, and to be honest, I welcome the debate.

I am a wrestling fan. Period. All of the other elements that go into a pro wrestling presentation, like the pyro, the music, the lights, and all of the superfluous show business is not necessary.

Hogan falls into that category.

Let me say that I am not one of those fans who is upset because Hogan is past his prime, and has stayed in the ring way beyond his time. Not at all.

The fact is, Hogan never had a prime.

When I was a kid, there was only one World Champion in pro wrestling. He was an honest to God wrestler who, night in and night out, had the best match on the card. He constantly gave back to the business he loved, and always made his opponent look better than they ever could with anyone else.

That man’s name was Ric Flair, and Hulk Hogan was his polar opposite.

In those days, Hogan was often referred to as the “paper champion,” and for me, that pretty much says it all.

I can’t deny that he had the size, the strength, and the look. He definitely had the charisma, and his image became iconic all over the world. He was a household name. But he couldn’t wrestle. Not then. Not now.

Since his heyday in the 1980s, the WWE has followed the Hogan blueprint for a World Champion so many times, that it’s no longer an outrage to real wrestling fans, the way it used to be. In fact, it’s not only accepted, it’s expected.

Did he change the business? Absolutely. In more ways than one.

The WWE Champion, or basically any Champion in the WWE, does not have to be great in the ring. He doesn’t even have to be good. As long as a guy has the look, can talk a little, gets a pop, and can flex, he’s the top guy. That’s the way it is. And we have Hogan to thank for that.

Think about it, we’re talking about a business that used to be ruled by tough, no-nonsense workers who practiced the fundamentals of pro wrestling every day. Being able to go in the ring was not preferred, it was required. Hulk Hogan would not have lasted five minutes in an NWA ring.

Of course, he also ushered in the modern “big money” era of the business.

Vince used Hogan’s image and drawing power to cross over into other media, including music and movies. Pro wrestlers were once considered tough, hard-living guys, participating in a barbaric pseudo-sport. With the booming popularity of Hogan and the WWE, workers were suddenly treated like celebrities. He opened doors for the business that had always been closed.

He was a showman—same as Vince McMahon. His type of ability never involved wrestling.

He was more about the event itself—the spots leading up to the match and his mic time where he growled about “saying prayers and eating vitamins."

But, no matter how much he would like to believe otherwise, Hogan did not do all of this by himself. He had a lot of help.

Why? The answer is simple. Everyone Hogan was in the ring with had to make him look good. This guy was the World Champion, and had to depend on his opponents to carry him. He repaid them with absolutely nothing in return.

Paul Orndorff, Roddy Piper, Randy Savage, and Ted Dibiase—all talented workers, and all used to put Hogan over on every level. Yes, these men and others were paid to get pinned. They got paid, while Hogan got rich. And everyone Hogan faced had to sell the most ridiculous grandstanding move set in the history of the business.

Everyone say it with me, “Hulk out, finger point, big boot, leg drop.”

The comparison between Hogan and John Cena has been made countless times, for obvious inability and image similarities. Those arguments are valid, and well-documented, but the comparisons end there.

For all intents and purposes, Cena does not want to move on to have a career in Hollywood. He seems perfectly happy to dabble in movies and TV, and earn his keep by “performing” in a wrestling ring. Judging by his own words and everything that’s ever been said about him, he also truly loves the business and has a real passion for it.

Hulk Hogan also loves two things with a real passion—Money and Hulk Hogan.

In 2005, Hogan had one of the best matches of his career against Shawn Michaels. How did that happen? You guessed it. Because of Shawn Michaels. Not surprisingly, Hogan won that match.

There were plans for a second match, in which Shawn was supposed to go over. But to no one’s surprise, Hogan backed out. Once again, he was concerned with himself, not the other guy.

As recently as 2006, Hogan complained that his match with Randy Orton at SummerSlam that year was not the main event. He was also upset because he felt he wasn’t getting paid enough. Again, not surprisingly, Hogan won that match, too.

Once again, I am reminded of my childhood days watching the business.

All Ric Flair did was give back. All Hogan did was take. So now, Hogan decides to finally hang up the cleanest boots pro wrestling has ever seen?

Thank God.

But until he leaves the business for good, I will never truly be happy. So, much to my dismay, I suppose the blood sucking will continue, brother.