Michael Jordan Announces Intention To Sign With Miami Heat
WARNING: THIS IS A SATIRICAL PIECE. Enjoy.
This time it wasn't Pat Riley making miracles. Instead, Michael Jordan came to him.
Jordan isn't looking for a front office spot or a stake in the Miami Heat. He wants to play ball.
"I am going to win a championship with the Miami Heat in 2011. I figure with Dwyane, LeBron, and Chris on the court, there should be a lot of open shots. And I promise you, I can still hit my jumpers," Jordan told reporters with a smile.
Although they have never worked together before, Riley and Jordan have shared a mutual respect for each other over the years.
Actually, Riley's respect has bordered on obsession at times. He even went as far as to retire Jordan's number despite the fact that Jordan never played for the Heat.
"Mike is going to have to choose a new number. Maybe he can try 45 again," said Riley who was gushing like a young lad with a schoolboy crush.
At 47, Jordan would eclipse Nat Hickey's record age of 46 for the oldest player in the NBA's history. Hickey set that record in the 1940s. More recently, Kevin Willis came out of retirement at the age of 44 to play for the Dallas Mavericks in 2007.
With a few roster spots still open on the Heat, Jordan had a few ideas for who could fill them.
"LeBron got to bring big Z with him. Dwyane got to keep U.D. Heck, even U.D. got his best friend Mike Miller. So I'ma give Scottie a call and see if he is up for this," said Jordan.
Pippen played professional basketball as recently as 2008 in the Finnish League and the Swedish League. In one appearance he had 21 points, 12 rebounds, and six assists.
While it would be easy for Pippen to leave his post as an ambassador to the Chicago Bulls, he doesn't seem interested.
"This is the third time I've gotten a phone call like this from Mike. He must be off his meds again. This is ridiculous," said Pippen.
Things get more complicated with Jordan, who owns the Charlotte Bobcats.
"Let me look here, I'm sure there is something in the rules that say an owner can't play for an opposing team; I'm just having trouble finding it," said a flustered David Stern as he scrambled around his cluttered office.
Jordan, however, seemed less concerned.
"You think I'm getting a ring with the Bobcats? As far as I'm concerned anybody who wants them can have them. I gotta make sure Kobe and D-Fish don't catch me in rings. And I have to catch Robert Horry. Can you believe he has more than me? That's a joke," added Jordan.
Jordan's announcement amused some of his new teammates.
"That old man? What does he have to offer us? Now Charles is going to be all over me to play with us too," said a laughing Dwyane Wade.
"Everytime I do something I have to hear how MJ wouldn't do this, MJ wouldn't do that. Well who is the follower now BI***," said an obviously relieved LeBron James.
Around the league, MJ's announcement was met with unanimous shock and disbelief.
"Is there anybody who doesn't want to jump on the bandwagon? Maybe Bill Russell wants his twelfth ring. Suit him up baby, you know Pat Riley would do it," said Kobe Bryant.
Carmelo Anthony may have said it best, "This is some bulls***. How come I'm the only person in the league that didn't get an invite to this party?"
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