It’s that time of year again.
Time for sports media sources to overflow with incredibly useful information about the biggest stars in sports. The time where decisions can completely alter the landscape of sports as we know it, each and every decision creating a rippling effect that sweeps through the rest of these games we’ve grown to love.
This summer is no different—a landscape is indeed changing.
No, we’re not talking about the shift in the balance of power in the NBA, that’s old news now.
At this point, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh have already signed with the Miami Heat, Carlos Boozer has already signed with the Chicago Bulls, and Amar’e Stoudemire has already signed with the New York Knicks. Hell, even Darko Milicic was signed for a garage-sale worthy price of $20 million in a move that could finally validate the unimpressive tenure of David Kahn as the general manager of the Minnesota Timberwolves.
Five minutes ago we heard about the color of LeBron James’ socks at his sports camp and how that helped sports pundits decide that his decision would be to sign with the Atlanta Dream in an unprecedented sign-gender switch-and-trade to a WNBA franchise.
The landscape of the NBA is being altered as we speak, but that’s not the most important transition of the summer.
People are beyond caring about LeBron James and the decision that may eventually be made.
No one cares about whether he’ll remain loyal to the city that raised him from nothing and can’t do anything else for him. No one cares about whether he’ll join forces with two other all-stars in Miami and create a team so powerful that Pat Riley will appeal to Barack Obama to have the name of the team changed from the Miami Heat to the Miami Supernova.
What really has everyone buzzing is the mysterious disappearance of Brett Favre and the shift from the annual summer focus on his decision-making skills or lack thereof to those possessed by LeBron James.
To find the still-undecided quarterback, the NFL network sent their own Adam Schefter into Hattiesburg, Mississippi to check all local John Deere stores for any signs of the missing future hall-of-famer.
Eventually he was spotted walking out of a local Dave & Busters. The owner, David Leighton, told Schefter “Favre just hasn’t been able to shake the itch he gets for throwing a football. He spends all night in here every night throwing football after football into our amazingly realistic arcade games. It’s gotten to be a problem because he won’t let anyone else have a turn.”
Schefter also reported that Favre was in fact wearing his Wrangler jeans.
Once Favre woke up the next day he changed into workout clothes and headed over to Oak Grove High School for his fiftieth straight year of high school football practice. He arrived to a horde of reporters desperate to get the scoop on his disappearance.
Also present was John Smith, that unathletic-looking guy from the Wrangler commercials who wanted to work on making more athletic and less awkward looking catches, preferably avoiding mud puddles in the process.
According to ESPN, Favre showed immense relief upon seeing the throngs as he realized that people were actually still going to pay attention to him.
“Finally you all showed up! I’ve been sick of riding on my tractor all day with no reporters in sight.” He paused to throw his first pass of the day, a 90 mph rocket that broke the Oak Grove High School’s backup receivers left pinky. “Just the other day I wanted to tell someone that I was thinking about thinking about deciding whether I wanted to unretire or not, but there was no one there for me to tell.”
As the media furiously jotted down his every word, he continued to warm up before settling in to the first drill of the practice. After perfectly completing the drill he brushed back his now completely gray hair and said, “Honestly, who does this LeBron James guy think he is? Doesn’t he know that I’m the only one who can be indecisive about these kinds of decisions? He should try buying a TV from Best Buy if he really wants to do something hard.”
As he spoke the last word he uncorked a laser-beam like throw that would make Stephen Strasburg’s fastballs jealous. As the receiver clutched his broken hands, Favre finished his tirade.
“You know what, screw this. If he wants to hog all the attention, fine, I’ll just stay retired and you can stop analyzing whether my tractor-driving patterns give hints about my decisions. Just go focus on his sock choices. And why did I not think of calling for a one hour SportsCenter special any of these years? God knows I’ve had enough opportunities.”
As reporters drove away from the scene, Schefter thought he heard Favre yell “Wait, come back! I’ve changed my mind!” but this has yet to be confirmed as everyone is too busy focusing on LeBron James’ choice of headbands at his camp.