How to Become a WWE Superstar: A Crash Course for Beginners

ChinmaySenior Analyst IIJuly 13, 2010

(WARNING - This Article is nonsense, keep your brain switched off while reading it)

Many of us wonder about life of a WWE superstar. However, mind you it is not an easy job at all. As John Cena keeps addressing, it takes years of practice and perfection to do it.

Very true, we actually need many years to become a WWE star. I thought it might be good to help some aspirants. Therefore, here I am with my tips on:

‘How to Become a WWE Superstar’.

The foremost reason why you need so many years to become a WWE superstar is that you have to bribe your god before taking birth here on earth. You have to convince him that “See fella, you have left me with little brain. How do I survive you tell me? I have no other option. Please make me a WWE star; if you do, I’ll remain PG all my adulthood

Once this front is managed, then the real struggle begins.

Our brain has one weird tendency; it develops as we grow up. If we ever wish to become a WWE star, we have to try our best to halt this process.

Moreover, we have to eliminate the process completely if we were to join ‘Creative team’. Remember, empty fields yield larger crops.

Because of the cruel society, generally we have to attend a punishment called school. Aspiration of becoming a wrestler can always save us from that tyranny. This provision however, is subjective.

Apart from learning techniques of wrestling, there are far more important things in due course, which are necessary for becoming VKM’s protégé.

1. Start admiring yourself in mirror for two hours every day. Either you will become beautiful (law of attraction) or you might grow sick of yourself.

Second possibility will make you the poster boy of the company. 

2. Start dressing unusually. Roaming around the streets in inner wares is highly suggested. it will reduce shyness. You can also go for ‘theme based attire’. These things can make you get used to gimmicks.

3. Start addressing yourself in third person, you will feel like somebody is listening to your bullshit. It boosts confidence.

4. eat as much as possible and exercise as long as possible. The only aim in life should be developing a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger and honing wrestling skills like Brad Pitt. In addition, of course imbibing acting skills of Vladimir Kozlov are recommended. 

5. Never speak in good English and not even in wildest dreams use more than 34 words in life. Lesser vocabulary you have, fiercer you can seem.

The best way however is to stare blankly. Smart people will call you completely retarded and others will call you Anti-Hero and will worship you.

6. Using good language might spread a rumour that you are educated. It hurts badly. People do not like you (Ask Chris Jericho). Speak slang speak bad, you are the face of your era.

7. Learn hysterical gestures and over-reacting. You have to act as if you have clinched soccer world cup when you defeat Rey Mysterio. (Sorry, actually latter is more difficult than former). 

Once these basics are mastered, you are ready to be admitted in a WWE asylum called ‘FCW’.

Once you enter into FCW, a whole new world opens up. Let us leave that world for next installment.

If you find these tips ‘Useful’, let me know for sure. I will come back with some more ridiculous ideas. Till then have nice time. Thanks for reading.