10 Decisions ESPN Should Show Next

Lance PaukerCorrespondent IJuly 13, 2010

10 Decisions ESPN Should Show Next

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    Last Thursday at 9 p.m. EST, the atmosphere suddenly and inexplicably exploded. It was later found that this cataclysmic event was caused by a little-known special held on ESPN about some guy named LeBron James. Apparently he's a big deal or something. Jim Gray was there, so it must have been pretty important.

    The event had even higher ratings than Jim Rome Is Burning, something previously thought impossible by that German Octopus dude, who is apparently a more reliable prophet than Dan Gilbert. Because the LeBron reality show was a bigger hit than "Dream Job," ESPN's previous crack at reality TV, it has been rumored that the sports media giant is looking for new "decisions" to air.

    These rumors can by no means be confirmed, but someone from somewhere tweeted something that seemed important, so I figured I may include it. Without further ado, here are the 10 decisions that ESPN should show next.

10. Craig Sager's Next Suit

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    The TNT analyst is rather well known for dressing like a flamingo. In a postgame interview with Kevin Garnett, KG told Sager, "you can't just grab something from the 1970's and try and bring it back. Retro is a look."After Sager responded that he was trying to bring back the look just as KG had brought back the glory of the Celtics, Garnett had a rather emphatic response."But as you see, it's working, and that is not."In another interview, Garnett told Sager, "take this outfit home, and burn it."

    Shaquille O'Neal, the master of the creative taunt, once told Sager he was going to buy him a new suit citing that it was so bad it needed a new word to describe its horrible awfulness, eventually dubbing it as "hor-awful."

    Sager's legend has exploded across the social media sites of the day. Not only does he have a facebook page dedicated to his wardrobe, the human peacock also has an entire blog devoted to him. "Craig Sager's Suits" http://craigsagerssuits.tumblr.com/ is solely dedicated to showing the world the many fashions of this unquestionably vibrant telecaster.

    For his "decision," Sager will be deciding between a zebra tux, a hot pink combination, or a Twister game board in suit form. An unnamed source said he was leaning towards the Twister board, though he has been strongly pressured by his fanbase to stick with the zebra outfit.

9. The Next Item Plaxico Burress Will Hide In His Sweatpants

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    On November 30th, 2008, former Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress was shot in the leg at a New York nightclub. The reason?Burress had an unregistered gun hidden in his sweatpants.

    In a genius move, the loaded firearm accidentally went off, wounding Burress and sending him to the hospital. Burress pleaded guilty for a weapons charge, and was sentenced to two years in prison. Judging by this incident, it is obvious that Burress favorite hiding spot is his sweatpants.

    Thus, his next "decision" will center around a new item to store in his foolproof safe. The nominees include the Vince Lombardil trophy, Howard Cosell's toupee, and Jose Canseco's steroid needle. Concerns have been raised over the steroid needle, as it is almost certain that he will accidentally inject himself. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has expressed reservation about the Super Bowl Trophy, as they may not be able to find it.

8. The Next Sure-Fire All-Star The Florida Marlins Will Get Rid Of

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    Al Leiter, Rob Nen, Kevin Brown, Gary Sheffield, Edgar Renteria, Jeff Conine, Kevin Brown, Moises Alou, Mike Piazza, Josh Beckett, Derek Lee, Juan Encarnacion, Miguel Cabrera, Ivan Rodriguez, Mike Lowell, AJ Burnett, Ryan Dempster, Brad Penny.

    In their 17 years of existence, the Marlins have managed to get rid of all of these players, and almost every single was either nearing or at their prime around the time of departure. Although the Marlins have won two World Series' in less than two decades, they are perhaps more well known for finding talent and then running away from it faster than Marion Jones before people realized she was on steroids.

    The next victim on this unfortunate list will likely be hitting sensation Hanley Ramirez or ace Josh Johnson. A non credible source on some website has just informed me that the Marlins are looking to trade for Bryce Harper, just so that they could trade him hours after his debut.

7. Alexi Lalas' Next Hairstyle

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    Just like most people involved in soccer, ESPN analyst Alexi Lalas seems to be more concerned with his hair than anything else. In his playing days, Lalas was a pioneer for the growth of soccer in the United States, as the defender was the first player to play in the Italian Serie A.

    These days, the World Cup reporter has been switching in between an older version of Hey Arnold's Wolfgang (pictured), and a clean shaven mop top. As a defender for the US national team in the 90's, Lalas used to rock a long-haired headband look, which was kind of like a cross between Carrot Top and Jesus. At that time, Lalas would often sport a goatee that even Craig Sager would classify as questionable fashion.

    The top contenders in the Lalas hair contest include a faux hawk, a hipster shaved head look, and a reverse mohawk. The faux hawk seems to be the leading contender due to the fact that David Beckham has one, but my sources are telling me not to count out the hipster look. That dew comes with a catch however, as Lalas will need to purchase horned rim glasses that do nothing to improve your vision.

6. The Oakland Raiders Next Draft Bust

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    Since 2001, the Raiders have spent first round draft picks on players such as: Derrick Gibson, Napoleon Harris, Phillip Buchanon, Tyler Brayton, Robert Gallery, Fabian Washington, Darren McFadden, and Darius Heyward-Bey.

    If you don't know any of these guys, there's a reason. If you know these guys, you probably don't have any of their jerseys. Other than Nnamdi Asomugha, every Raiders first round draft pick since 2001 has arguably been a total bust.

    Oh yea, the Raiders also drafted JaMarcus Russell.There is contractual problems with this decision, as Al Davis apparently wants the show to be aired on TLC because he thinks it will get better ratings. A source close to Davis said that Davis called his desired network "The next great TV station for sports."

5. The Next Player Rex Ryan Will Eat

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    Ryan has had quite the flair for trash talk. Before he had even coached a game in the NFL, he had guaranteed his team a Super Bowl. In the preseason, he got himself involved in a highly publicized verbal spat with Dolphin's linebacker Channing Crowder. At one point, Ryan stated that "he's walked over tougher guys going to a fight than Channing Crowder."

    Ryan is not afraid to speak is mind and verbally abuse his opponents, so his decision will be based around the next player that Ryan will chew up and spit out. This ESPN special will be rather interesting, as it will not exactly be a "decision" per se. Instead, it will be a full-out eating contest against professional eating titan Joey Chestnut.

    The event will be hosted by John Daly. Ryan's "decision" centers around what delicacy will be featured in the contest. The general consensus seems to be that Ryan is deciding between a Roethlisberger and a Strasberger, although there have been rumors that a delicacy known as the Heath Miller Bar is now in the running.

4. What Gus Johnson Will Scream Next

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    Probably the most underrated commentator of all time, Gus Johnson is famous for having a higher decibel level than a vuvuzela. Simply put, Johnson has the ability to make a curling match more exciting than the Super Bowl.

    Johnson is most recognized for his coverage of the NCAA tournament, where he gets to express his fervent zeal in arguably one of the most compelling atmospheres in all of sport. Some of Johnson's most coveted catch phrases include "And the slipper stillllll fits," "To the bucket!!!," and "From the Parking lot!"

    So that there is a good balance between passion and monotony, Johnson's "decision" will be hosted by former NFL anchor Pat Summerall. Among the next phrase Johnson may choose to yell include "I'm hungry." "Did you see Toy Story 3? It was an instant classic!" or "Honey, where are my car keys?"

3. John Calipari's Next Recruiting Violation

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    There isn't too much to say here. In his collegiate coaching career, Coach Cal has accumulated more violations than Jim Carey's character in "Liar Liar" after he gets pulled over by police.

    Although he is well known for cranking out NBA stars, Calipari's success at the college level is marked with an asterisk. Cal's previous programs, UMass and Memphis, have each had to forfeit a Final Four appearance due to Calipari's tampering with recruiting guidelines.

    Unlike LeBron's decision, this one will be held in a "one and done" format. In other words, Cal will only be asked one question, and then he will leave the set to go gel up his hair. The leaders for potential violations include texting one of Lane Kiffin's recruits, hiring a young clone of Albert Einstein to take his recruit's SAT's , and signing his recruits to an NBA contract.

2. Aaron Rodgers vs. Brett Favre Retirement Decision

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    This decision is quite different than any of the previously stated possibilities. Right after ESPN proposed to Brett Favre that it take its hand in marriage; they ran this idea by the ageless wonder. This event will not be held until 2020, around the time both of these men will be set to retire.

    Each contestant will be presented with a buzzer, which will be pressed once each player makes his "decision" to retire. If the contest is too close to call, NFL referee's will be on standby, as each quarterback will be given a challenge flag. There have already been reports out of Rodgers' camp about tampering by Favre. Apparently, he has wired the buzzer so that he could press it, but not actually retire.

1. The Next Member Of Charles Barkley's Fave Five

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    The top spot was really no contest. Any sporting event featuring Charles Barkley always takes the cake--which, according to reports, will be subsequently devoured by the round mound of rebound.

    Twitter, the most important useless invention ever created, rears its curious head once again. According to the social networking site, Barkley is incredibly disappointed with LeBron's decision to take his many talents to South Beach, and has placed the blame on Dwanye Wade. Because Barkley reportedly believes that the move will have a "turrible" impact on the NBA, he has deleted D-Wade from his fave five.

    Potential suitors for the most prestigious position in all of sports include Oklahoma State Head Coach Mike Gundy, co-worker Ernie Johnson, and Cowboy's Quarterback Tony Romo. Romo appears to to the longshot, although some "fave five" analysts have argued that because Barkley pronounces Romo's name in such a unique manner (Tonah Row-moe), he has a better chance than many expect.

    TNT partner Ernie Johnson, who has watched Barkley blossom the past few years, is said to be in the running mostly because everything Sir Charles says could be finished off by a classic "back to you, Ernie.

    "Mike Gundy is considered the clear frontrunner here, as his way with words is truly unprecedented. Initially, Barkley absolutely hated the idea. However, he quickly changed his tune after it was suggested that he host his own ESPN "decision.""Not turrible," he said.