Kevin Costner to Make Another Baseball Movie (Humor)

Intercepted—an email from Academy Award winner Kevin Costner to Bull Durham director Ron Shelton.

To: [e-mail]

From: [e-mail]

Ronnie,

Took the kids to see Batman this weekend. Wow. We need to get in on this. I’ve been toying with the idea of doing a Superhero movie for some time now and I think you’re just the man to direct it. Imagine the possibilities! We can enjoy the same success we enjoyed after Bull Durham. Anyway, the movie’s about an All Star baseball team that fights crime. Let me know if you’re interested.

BatMen: MLB the Movie

Disorder. Chaos. Costner—This tag line will sell the movie. I mean it.

Plot: Baseball players by day, crime fighters by night!

A group of renegade crime fighters instill order in Majorleagueville, a city rife with mayhem. Using their powers of swing, fastballs and base stealing this group of over-paid men stay above .300 while never revealing their true identities. When A-Rod is kidnapped by the evil Madonna, the BatMen must band together to rescue the third basemen before he spends his hard earned $252 million on Kabbalah bracelets.

—I’m thinking Kevin Smith should write the script. Or the guy who wrote Major League. Wait, was I in that? I can’t remember anymore. Too many baseball films! LOL.

Cast:

Derek Jeter/Mr. November: Me (I’m quite versatile.)

Superpower: The Dive

Albert Pujols/Prince Albert: Tracy Morgan (He used to do this character on SNL called “Dominican Lou.”)

Superpower: Power Hitting

Chase Utley/Chutley: Zac Efron (I’m not really sure who that is but my daughter loves him).

Superpower: Fielding

Chipper Jones/Chip: Matt Damon (Ran into him at Starbucks the other day. Nice kid).

Superpower: Switch hitting.

Jason Giambi’s Mustache/Big Stache: Tom Selleck’s mustache

Superpower: Designated Hitting

Ichiro Suzuki/Itchy: Ichiro Suzuki (He played himself on a Japanese crime drama. Very convincing performance).

Superpower: Breaking Mariners club records

Ryan Braun /The Hebrew Hammer:  Shia LaBoeuf (He comes highly recommended from Harry Ford who worked with him in Transformers or Indiana Jones 4. I’m not sure which one. If they’re not about baseball, I don’t watch ‘em).

Superpower: Pull Hitting

Josh Hamilton/Crackhead Jesus: Josh Hamilton (There’s an actor named Josh Hamilton! What a great marketing tool!)

Superpower: Slugging

Russell Martin/Speed Limit: Seth Rogen (If you squint they look alike. And we need someone to provide comic relief).

Superpower: Catching and Stealing

Jonathan Papelbon /The Delivery Man: Leonardo DiCaprio (Huge talent. Reminds me of me).

Superpower: Closing

Madonna: Susan Sarandon (Wouldn’t it be nice to get the ol’ gang back together?)

Evil power: Pretending to be British.

Alex Rodriguez/A-Rod: Robert Downey Jr. (He’s a treat to watch, a real character driven actor).

Superpower: A-Bombs

Get back to me ASAP so we can start production.

Kevin