Intercepted—an email from Academy Award winner Kevin Costner to Bull Durham director Ron Shelton.
To: RShelton@aol.com
From: Costner.K@danceswithbaseball.com
Ronnie,
Took the kids to see Batman this weekend. Wow. We need to get in on this. I’ve been toying with the idea of doing a Superhero movie for some time now and I think you’re just the man to direct it. Imagine the possibilities! We can enjoy the same success we enjoyed after Bull Durham. Anyway, the movie’s about an All Star baseball team that fights crime. Let me know if you’re interested.
BatMen: MLB the Movie
Disorder. Chaos. Costner—This tag line will sell the movie. I mean it.
Plot: Baseball players by day, crime fighters by night!
A group of renegade crime fighters instill order in Majorleagueville, a city rife with mayhem. Using their powers of swing, fastballs and base stealing this group of over-paid men stay above .300 while never revealing their true identities. When A-Rod is kidnapped by the evil Madonna, the BatMen must band together to rescue the third basemen before he spends his hard earned $252 million on Kabbalah bracelets.
—I’m thinking Kevin Smith should write the script. Or the guy who wrote Major League. Wait, was I in that? I can’t remember anymore. Too many baseball films! LOL.
Cast:
Derek Jeter/Mr. November: Me (I’m quite versatile.)
Superpower: The Dive
Albert Pujols/Prince Albert: Tracy Morgan (He used to do this character on SNL called “Dominican Lou.”)
Superpower: Power Hitting
Chase Utley/Chutley: Zac Efron (I’m not really sure who that is but my daughter loves him).
Superpower: Fielding
Chipper Jones/Chip: Matt Damon (Ran into him at Starbucks the other day. Nice kid).
Superpower: Switch hitting.
Jason Giambi’s Mustache/Big Stache: Tom Selleck’s mustache
Superpower: Designated Hitting
Ichiro Suzuki/Itchy: Ichiro Suzuki (He played himself on a Japanese crime drama. Very convincing performance).
Superpower: Breaking Mariners club records
Ryan Braun /The Hebrew Hammer: Shia LaBoeuf (He comes highly recommended from Harry Ford who worked with him in Transformers or Indiana Jones 4. I’m not sure which one. If they’re not about baseball, I don’t watch ‘em).
Superpower: Pull Hitting
Josh Hamilton/Crackhead Jesus: Josh Hamilton (There’s an actor named Josh Hamilton! What a great marketing tool!)
Superpower: Slugging
Russell Martin/Speed Limit: Seth Rogen (If you squint they look alike. And we need someone to provide comic relief).
Superpower: Catching and Stealing
Jonathan Papelbon /The Delivery Man: Leonardo DiCaprio (Huge talent. Reminds me of me).
Superpower: Closing
Madonna: Susan Sarandon (Wouldn’t it be nice to get the ol’ gang back together?)
Evil power: Pretending to be British.
Alex Rodriguez/A-Rod: Robert Downey Jr. (He’s a treat to watch, a real character driven actor).
Superpower: A-Bombs
Get back to me ASAP so we can start production.
Kevin
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2 months ago
you forgot the part where the baseball palyers are dependent of steriods to perform their superpowers.
good idea!
2 months ago
When's the release date?
2 months ago
Yikes. This film has "Gosh-I-Guess-Tin-Cup-Wasn't-Such-A-Crappy-Movie-After-All" written all over it.
What's the sequel? "Waterworld Series"? "Dances with Jockstraps"? "The Unwashables"?
Bad movie. Great article. ;)
2 months ago
I just about lost it when the character Matt Damon would be playing has "Switch Hitting" as a special power. So much genius in this article! I loved it.
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