World Cup 2010: Portugal Forfeits Game, FIFA Cites "Too Many Goals" (Satire)

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World Cup 2010: Portugal Forfeits Game, FIFA Cites
Chung Sung-Jun/Getty Images

After scoring an unprecedented seven times in their match against North Korea this afternoon, the Portuguese national team was forced to surrender their victory. The reason?

"Soccer scoreboards only go up to five," said FIFA executive Franz Beckenbauer.

Beckenbauer was recently promoted to this position because his name is "very soccer."

"Portugal's performance today was a complete embarrassment to football enthusiasts worldwide," added Beckenbauer. "These fans want to see excitement, and this is certainly a step in the wrong direction."

Nobody actually heard Beckenbauer's statement, as it was drowned out by a horde of angry hornets. This new species of hornets, biologically classified as phlyus vuvuzelus, seem to have quite an affinity for the sport, and have been cited at numerous World Cup matches. 

It is estimated that about five million North Korean supporters made the trek to South Africa to cheer on their team. Clearly afraid of uneven cheering sections, it has been rumored that FIFA has actually paid over a million of these fans to leave the country in order to make room for South African fans, many of whom are unable to attend the games, as the stadiums are often filled to maximum capacity.

"That's just a shame," commented French striker Nicolas Anelka. "It's truly an honor to represent your country, and its unfortunate that the North Korean players aren't allowed to play in front of some of their most devoted fans."

In other World Cup news, English Coach Fabio Capello is adjusting to his new role. Prior to the World Cup, Capello played Hayden Panatierre's father on NBC's hit series Heroes .

It seems that Capello is having a tough time on the pitch, as his mighty Three Lions squad has disappointed thus far. To add insult to injury, sure-handed goalie Rob Green has left Capello's squad to join the NFL, where he was recently signed to the Detroit Lions as a wide receiver. The move has prompted Capello to replace Green with David Beckham's faux hawk, forcing Beckham's hair to come out of retirement. 

Speaking of retirement, American footballer Brett Favre plans to hang up his cleats after this World Cup. Favre, who is playing in his 45th World Cup, is the leading goal scorer in United States history. He has also scored the most own goals in United States history.  

Another country not living up to expectations, Italy, faces a must-win game against Slo-something-or-other on Thursday. Although it is clear that the defending champions need to calm down on the pregame lasagna, the Azzuri's coach doesn't seemed to be too concerned about possible elimination. 

"It's taken care of," said Italian manager Michael Corleone. 

As teams brace for the knockout stages, they hope to do everything they can to avoid the unfortunate situation that will surely haunt the Portuguese side. For the elite teams, however, that shouldn't be too hard. 

"The best teams are the ones that focus more on their hairstyles than the actual gameplay," reported Alexi Lalas. "It's that simple."

Brazil, who recently surpassed the cast of Entourage for having the most ridiculous nicknames on the face of the earth, remain the favorites to take home the coveted prize of world domination. However, it is highly likely that they will face another favorite, La Furia Roja in the round of sixteen, setting up a match for the ages. 

"Pace, centre circle, through ball, netminder," said football analyst Chris Fowler, who is reporting live from South Africa. "Those are all important things in soccer, right?"

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