College FB Championship Chase: Week 13 Stock Report
LSU and Arkansas were like Rocky and Apollo Creed in the big fight at the end of the first movie—throwing flat-footed haymakers at each other without going down.
Except in this movie, Creed finally hits the canvas as Rocky staggers around bloodied and blindly shouting, "Broyles! Broyles!"
During the game, Houston Nutt is mentally writing his indecipherable "We're all one heart but now we're not so I have to leave" resignation speech—which he hopes will pack the emotional wallop of Nixon's "Checkers" speech, but which instead comes across more like Nixon's "My mother was a saint" you-can't-fire-me-I-quit speech.
After the game, Les Miles is jolted into a moment of clarity, sees where he works, and wills himself back into his private realm of insanity...as he begins flicking boogers at his players while singing "Cotton-Eyed Joe."
Kansas was a nice story. Fortunately, unlike Steven Spielberg in A.I., Kansas knew when to call it a day.
Hawaii's Colt Brennan threw for 6.02 x 10(23) yards and 546 touchdowns during the Warriors' ultra-critical victory over Boise State. Ultra-critical in that, well...for no reason I can think of.
The Warriors are still irrelevant. Play someone.
Oregon without Dennis Dixon turns out to be an omelet without the egg.
Yay! Miami scores 14 points! Unfortunately for the U, Boston College scores 28 and gains weekly possession of the Hurricanes' manhood.
Miami has become the prison wife of the ACC, wearing garish homemade lipstick and holding onto their man's belt loop as they're dragged around the exercise yard.
Which would have been fine training for some 'Canes of the past.
1. Missouri: UP
Okay, who's the bigger set of rednecks—the hicks from the Ozarks or the hillbillies from the Appalachians?
We all crackas—say it loud and proud!
2. WVU: UP SHARPLY
Pat White vomits on his opponents!
After Saturday's blowout of UConn, White let on that he'd thrown up "about 12 times" during the game. It wasn't so bad, White told the media, because "it mostly happened when I was tackled."
Come to think of it, it seemed to me like no one was really trying to tackle White in the second half. Now we know why.
And this is the guy who complained about being spit on during the Louisville game.
On the other hand, years from now, UConn defenders, long out of the game and working for insurance companies in Hartford, can tell their grandchildren that Pat White threw up on them.
3. Ohio State: UP
With the memory of futilely trying to stop Illinois' spread-option offense still stinging their collective consciousness, the clay-footed, thick-ankled Buckeyes are silently pulling for Mizzou to beat Oklahoma.
4. Georgia: UP
A team with too many losses hanging around hoping someone in front of them will trip up.
Sort of like Al Gore.
Delisted from the Big Board
I raise a pint of Guinness in tribute to my friend Tracee, who was the Baby Jay when she was at Kansas.
Rock, chalk, Jaywalk yourselves right out of the championship chase.
I'm so sad that the Bayou Bengals are off the board, because I had so many other Les-Miles-is-so-crazy-that...jokes.
For instance, here was one I was going to use if LSU had held off Arkansas:
During the game, Miles was hearing voices in his head. Then he took his headset off and was still hearing them.
But instead of telling him to call Red Dog Right 68, these voices were giving Les directions to the Louisiana field where the Little Greens would set down their saucer and finally make themselves known to the Select Few.
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