After months of nervous anticipation and careful planning, it has finally arrived.
Draft day!
The day that has become one of the greatest joys of your life, rivaled only by "Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Edition" day and "All You Can Eat Chili Chalupa" day, but without all the napkins.
You have an overflowing stack of fantasy football magazines by your side, each one dog-eared and stained with various condiments. Or perhaps vomit.
You have your favorite beverage, coincidentally labeled "Genuine Draft".
You have a full bladder. (Unfortunately, you really enjoy your favorite beverage.)
And you have the heart of a winner, the will of a master, and the confidence of a champion.
Oh you poor fool...you are so going down in flames again this year.
Because as any veteran fantasy football owner will tell you, you can dream all you want about your drafting skills, and grace under pressure, and good fortune—but come fantasy football draft day, well...reality bites.
Here's how.
"Fantasy" Football—You take a vacation day, block out your calendar, and pack all the items you will need weeks in advance in order to be on time and prepared for your fantasy football draft.
"Reality" Football—On the day of the draft, you wait over three hours to begin drafting because one owner overslept, one had the wrong day written down and two decided that they didn't want to play this year but forgot to tell anyone.
"Fantasy" Football—You spend four months pouring over fantasy football magazines and websites in an effort to be more prepared than the other owners in your league.
"Reality" Football—In the heat of the moment, you mistakenly blow the second overall pick in the draft when you shout out gleefully, "Adrian Peterson, Chicago Bears!" then spend the rest of the draft desperately trying to scoop up third-tier running backs while ignoring the cackles and laughter of the other owners in your league.
"Fantasy" Football—You agonize over the merits of the RB-RB drafting method versus the Value-Based drafting method and decide at the very last minute that VBD is the way to go.
"Reality" Football—You can't believe your good fortune when Tony Gonzalez, a player with an incredible 181 VBD score, falls to you in the third round. That is until you realize that the first "1" in his VBD score is actually an eyelash on your cheat sheet, which blows off as the owner to your left falls all over himself drafting Tony Romo.
"Fantasy" Football—You surreptitiously enjoy the furtive looks and shaking heads of the other owners in your league after selecting Steven Jackson, who has miraculously fallen to you in the third round.
"Reality" Football—On the drive home, you tune the radio to your favorite sports station and hear a day old report announcing that the St. Louis Rams were concerned about Jackson's latest knee troubles, and that amputation hadn't been ruled out.
"Fantasy" Football—You know that getting stuck with the 12th pick for the last three years in a row means that the odds of getting into the top half of the first round with a chance to nab Tom Brady this year are pretty reasonable.
"Reality" Football—With the 12th pick in the draft, you select Larry Johnson.
Yep, draft day is one of the greatest days of the year.
Just remember, it's not called "fantasy" football for nothing.
comments (27) write a comment »
write a new comment
2 months ago
I've seen most of these happen, and that first one happens EVERY year.
"Fantasy" Football - You've done your research and think you know this "sleeper" that no one else knows about. You are sure he will be the steal of the draft.
"Reality" Football - He gets drafted before you can take him because EVERYBODY knew about him, or he is a complete bust. (i.e. Vincent Jackson)
Good stuff, great article.
from 2 months ago
You're right, Russell. I don't think there are any real sleepers anymore. With the 24/7 coverage fantasy sports gets now, the days of sneaking somebody onto your roster in the later rounds are long gone.
Thanks for reading. :)
2 months ago
"...and that amputation hadn't been ruled out."
Hilarius. Great article, Jim! You are becoming quite the fantasy football counselor.
from 2 months ago
Thanks, Andrew. But tell me---when the heck do you sleep? :P
from 2 months ago
I live on the West coast, so that's a little more of an excuse. :)
2 months ago
haha great job, jim
from 2 months ago
Thank you, sir! :)
2 months ago
Awesome article, absolutely hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing at this article. Great work, you've got my PotD.
from 2 months ago
Thanks, Matt. I would have responded sooner, but since I'm only a remedial reader, I thought you wrote that I have your pot.
So I checked.
(That, of course, is only a joke. I am clearly too lazy to check.)
2 months ago
Fantastic Article. As an avid Fantasy Football player, I have pretty much experienced and witnessed every one of these. Including an owner picking Michael Vick in the 8th round of last years draft, just in case...
from 2 months ago
I love the just in case picks. There's one every year.
from 2 months ago
Somebody drafted Brett Favre just in case.
2 months ago
This is really great, Jim, but I overslept by three hours and am quickly trying to get everything together for my fantasy draft...gotta go!
from 2 months ago
Next time, write the date down before you forget.
Again.
2 months ago
Great article. In my main league, we usually have someone drafting via cell phone, and it always turns into a complete drunk fest as people begin analyzing and bashing each other's teams. I'm gonna try to avoid that this year, but probably to no avail.
from 2 months ago
This year, you guys better pick up the phone after the first two rings or I quit. ;)
2 months ago
Great aricle. Great read.
I am playing ff for the first time this year. I've always wanted to, but never had the time, or maybe I just had too many excuses. I'm sure I will get laughed at, and I'm sure my team will suck, because I've never done this before, but I'm looking forward to it as both entertainment and a learning experience.
from 2 months ago
Eian, take it from one who knows. Winning your fantasy football league has as much to do with luck as anything else. I won my league the first year I played because I took a chance on Steve Young (yep, that long ago!), and Joe Montana got hurt.
Just be sure you know the scoring method you're using, bring a good cheat sheet (or two or three) and have fun.
Good luck!
2 months ago
Great read!
here's one that's like clockwork.
Fantasy Football
You do tons of research compiling average stats of players over the last 2-3 seasons so you know who stays healthy and who doesn't. Who puts up consistent big numbers and who doesn't.
Reality Football
all your "stud can't miss picks" get injured or have a freakishly bad season
from 2 months ago
YES, YES, YES! (And no, I am not channeling Meg Ryan.)
Last year I took Marvin Harrison IN THE SECOND ROUND! Sure thing! Consistent! Never gets hurt! What a fool I was!
But don't feel too bad for me, Keith.. I took CHAD JOHNSON in the THIRD! Ugh.
(Are you reading this, Eian?)
Oh well, best of luck on your season.
2 months ago
This was a great read while I am at work... Slow day. Hope to see more from you, enjoy the weekend.
from 2 months ago
What the...goofing off at work? Why I have never in my whole life...
You listen to me, Mister "Goofing Off At Work"! The next time you feel like lollygagging at your place of employment just so you can drink your fancy "energy drinks" and read your silly "giggle pages" on the Bleacher Report, well...that's just fine by me! :D
(I won't tell your boss if you don't tell mine!) ;)
2 months ago
good article, so true haha
from 2 months ago
I agree. It was freaking hilarious. How do I do it? ;)
(Thanks for reading, Thomas.)
2 months ago
So when drafting Brett Favre this year what team do I say? I select Brett Favre from Green Bay Packers/Baltimore Ravens/Chicago Bears/Minnesota Vikings/New York Jets/Philadelphia Soul?
2 months ago
Along with Long John Silver's very clever article about Formula One fans, my article won Pick of the Day. Far from tooting my own kazoo, though, I just wanted to thank the folks who work so hard but never get the appreciation they deserve.
So to Justin Swiderski, Ryan Droege, and Ryan Alberti: thanks for helping to make this ridiculous article the best it could be.
2 months ago
So true...
Thanks for the laughs.
write a new comment