Here at T.A.H. Worldwide Media Headquarters, we have been informed via back channels (somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody whose sister sat next to a guy on a plane that lives three houses down and across the street from Worldwide Wes’ pool guy’s cousin’s brother-in-law) that the ACC is not sitting around waiting for its four southernmost schools to defect to the S.E.C. or it’s northernmost school to look westward to Indiana.
According to our sources, a move is all ready afoot down in Charlotte to insure the ACC remains a viable conference. As far as Clemson, Georgia Tech, Miami, and Florida State jumping ship for the football mad S.E.C., our super secret source deep inside the ACC’s corporate offices said, “Let ‘em go. Other than Clemson, they’re all a bunch of newbies anyway. Who they gonna beat in the S.E.C. – Vanderbilt?”
Sources say Boston College is considering defecting back to the Big East or forming a new Jesuit Conference with Notre Dame and Xavier. These three will then start the process of converting other universities in large television markets like Los Angeles (USC? They need new friends) and New York City to Catholicism.
In anticipation of just such a venture, the University of New Jersey (Rutgers) has reportedly asked for an audience with the Pope.
However, should those four drive south while BC hooks up with the Golden Domers, the ACC has its own realignment plan which, when combined with the poaching going on by the Big 13, Pac-11, and super-sized S.E.C., will trigger a series of new conference on the sporting map.
The new ACC (All Carolina Conference) will be made up of North Carolina, North Carolina State, Wake Forest, East Carolina, UNC Wilmington, UNC Asheville, UNC Charlotte, UNC Greensboro, Davidson ,Elon, Gardner-Webb (basketball only), Lenoir-Rhyne College (basketball only), North Carolina A&T, North Carolina Central ,Western Carolina, and Winston-Salem State (basketball only).
Sources for the realigned ACC said, “You want big and diverse? We give you big and diverse! You want mediocre football? We got that. You want great basketball…well…we’ve got the 2005 and 2009 NCAA Division 1 Men’s Basketball National Champion University of North Carolina Tar Heels. So there.”
The new Mid-Atlantic Mountain, Beltway and Used Furniture Conference (MMBUFC) will be made up of Maryland (sources: “Screw going all the way down to either Carolina or Florida or whatever that state is called where Georgia Tech plays…besides, Coach Fridge is allergic to BBQ [but, thankfully, no other foods]”), Virginia Tech (sources: “We don’t care ‘cause we’re just gonna kick all you’re a**es in football anyway”), Penn State (sources: “We’re still having trouble figuring out where Minnesota is…”), Pittsburgh (sources: “We should go wherever Penn State goes, instead of playing Central Florida.”), West Virginia (sources: “Woooo-EEEEE, more couch burnin’ baby!”), Appalachian State (sources: “You can never have enough Mountaineers!”), and George Mason (sources: “Ummm, do we even have a football team?”).
League play will benefit from annual home-and-home series football games, and some pretty amazing fan experiences in some fairly crappy locations. “We thought having UFC in the name might be beneficial,” yet another unnamed source at WVU told T.A.H.
The new (and apparently extremely exclusive) Go To Hell Carolina Conference (GTHCC) will be made up of Duke and Virginia. Sources down in Raleigh tell us that N.C. State hasn’t completely ruled out joining the GTHCC, noting “It’s tempting. On one hand, there are the natural rivalries and the regional aspect of the All Carolina Conference, but on the other hand there is the whole “Go to hell, Carolina” aspect of the Go To Hell Carolina Conference. It’s a tough call.”
When reached, officials at both Virginia and Duke said, “Go to hell, Carolina.”