Red Sox-Yankees: What I Would Do for Tickets

It’s the toughest ticket in town. A huge rivalry—emotions soaring, teams scoring, balls flying, tempers boiling—a game that anyone would want to experience live. For me, it’s Yankees vs. Red Sox. For you, it could be the same, or perhaps another rivalry in the world of sports.

The Bronx Bombers are back in Boston this weekend, and countless fans are becoming as broke as Ed McMahon trying to buy tickets.

Eight years living close enough to Fenway Park, and I haven’t even sniffed Sox-Yanks tickets...not that I actually would—that would be weird.

It has come to the point that, in order to get my hands on tickets to this heated rivalry, drastic measures are going to have to be taken…


What I’m Willing to Do for Yankees vs. Red Sox Tickets

• Wear a Yankees shirt with a bullseye on it outside of Fenway Park.
• Let Brett Favre decide when I should open my parachute after skydiving.
• Grow a mustache like the one Jason Giambi has, but refuse to wear a gold thong (you have to draw the line somewhere).
• Invent and participate in “Wicked Good ‘Chowda’ Wrestling,” as in New England clam chowder. My only request is to keep it at room temperature. I don’t want to burn “my boys.”
• Run the Boston Marathon backwards in 2009.
• Watch an entire season of Duke football (add in Notre Dame, too).
• Challenge Johnny Damon to a throwing contest. You’re right…that really isn’t much of a challenge.
• Make up my own Cynthia Rodriguez t-shirt line. It’ll be @#$% great!
• Play “bobbing for tickets”…in a tank full of lobsters.
• Challenge Bartolo Colon, C.C. Sabathia, and Miguel Cabrera to a Boston Cream Pie eating contest.
• Take credit for Boston’s “Big Dig”.
• Dress up like Don Zimmer and charge Pedro Martinez while he’s pitching for the Mets.
• Volunteer to be Godfather to all of Brangelina’s kids.
• Stand in between Rosie O’Donnell and Kirstie Alley at the Hometown Buffet and scream “Five minutes ‘til closing.”
• Wear one of Sergio Garcia’s outfits in public.
• Dress up like Jonathan Papelbon and walk throughout New York City.
• Wear a David Tyree jersey and walk through downtown Boston.
• Have Sanjaya Malakar sing next to me on a glass bridge.
• Be Christian Bale’s personal punching bag for a week.
• Grow hair like Manny.

And finally…

• Speak with a Boston accent for the rest of the season. Take the following examples:

"That pitchah throws a wicked hahhd fastball."

"The dater on 'dis guy says he can smack one ovah the Monstah and outta the pahhk."

"You think Papelbon will blow 'dis game? Whatahyou, retahdid?"

There you have it…a few potential options. What would YOU do for the toughest ticket in your town?