Survivalists Guide for Gameday

Looks like Poe was inspired inspired by our Gameday Rules but he did not feel like the fans would be safe enough. So, he took it upon himself to provide a survivalist guide for Buckeye Nation.

I’m not talking about the contrived, ESPN-produced show featuring an ex-Buckeye, an actor, a complainer, and a talking head (I’ll let you assign the roles). Rather, here’s a timeline of things you need to prepare yourselves for during everybody’s favorite time, Saturdays in the Fall. Well, Saturdays unless you are a MAC or Big East fan. But you get the point:

12:00AM – Technically Saturday starts at Midnight. Chances are your “plan to be in bed early so you can wake up early” turned into “okay, I’ll go out for a little bit” and you’re out till 2. That’s fine, because then you can appreciate the atmosphere on or around campus before a game. Out-of-towners are in, opponents are in, and no one has lost the game yet. Make sure you get that late night Biff’s or J Squared.

2:30AM – This is your strict bedtime or could be a Gameday decision on whether or not you are getting up. This is the night you want to be in your own bed. This is to save you embarrassment. The walk of shame isn’t bad when everyone is sleeping on Friday or Sunday morning, but there will already be people up and on their porches by the time you walk home. It is a long way from the freshman dorms to home.

8:00AM – Wake up, and not by your alarm clock. Your house, your neighbor’s house, or the house down the street will be starting to pregame. This is moved up an hour and a half for the Michigan game and moved back an hour an a half for a 3:30 start. For 8:00PM starts, use best discretion. This usually means 10AM wake up, while doing normal game day routine through 2 day games and hopefully surviving the entire night (key word is hopefully). See Texas 2005.

8:30AM – Day starts out with a hot coffee or a cold beer or both. You then realize what beer and toothpaste tastes like. It’s not lunchtime yet and cereal doesn’t go with beer (hopefully the 2:15AM binge helps). Games such as cornhole, horseshoes, and beer pong may commence along with loud music and something along the lines of “drive, drive on down the field”. Your supply of alcohol needs to be rationed to ensure that it lasts up till or through the game. Kegs cannot be had on game day.

10:00AM – Remember that contrived ESPN Gameday I was telling you about. Well, you put it on the TV in hope they show highlights of your team or say something night and you rejoice. When they talk bad about your team, you boo and curse. Time between now and game time can be used to walk around or to another house or tailgate party. I would expect gratuitous “OH” “IO” and I recommend you love it.

11:45AM – For a noon game, you need to make it to the stadium or find a seat. Best seats in the house are often in front of a big screen, but the experience is in the stadium. It’s a long walk to the stadium, so I recommend taking a discrete beer or two for the walk. For later games, continue above routine.

12:00PM – Game starts or you sit down and watch another game that’s on. Noon games are manageable, 3:30 games are killer because you have to pretend SEC team vs. the Sunbelt is interesting at the noon slot (we play Troy this year? Oh well). I recommend the Big Ten Network, but if you live in Columbus or Cleveland (Time Warner), I’m sure something is on ABC/ESPN/CBS.

[Warning! It is your duty to insure that you are fully functional during the game. This means able to walk and speak. Three and a half hours of morning drinking is known to takes its toll, but no one is hated more that “that guy.” This applies to those at home, at the game, in a bar, anywhere.]

3:30PM – This is either the start of your game or the end. If it’s the end, celebrate that the Buckeyes won and proceed quickly home to make sure ESPN and the blogs wrote nice things and watch highlights. If your game starts now, you’ve already had a long day. Best of luck making it till 6:30, especially the year the Michigan game was at 3:30.

4:00PM – Depending on the game timing, expect to use 4:00 through 6:00 as a general recovery period. Of course, later games push back this period, and night games do away with it completely. Recovery means “anything to get rid off that lingering headache and get back to sobriety”. Sitting quietly with the lights off is plausible, but we recommend the requisite college nap. Alas, you are not done for the night.

6:00PM – Dinner is most likely pizza, pizza, Wendy’s, or Buffalo Wild Wings. Perfect timing for dinner because it can help you survive the rest of the day. Perfect time for the 8PM game and right after or during the 3:30 game…especially since you ordered the pizza at 4:30. If you do not eat, you are a lost cause and will be in by 10:00PM.

8:30PM – Night game. Doesn’t matter who it is, it’s normally watchable.

For the rest of the night, have fun. If your team didn’t win, there’s always next week. As for Sunday, don’t even worry about Sunday, you’ll be worthless anyway. Besides, the Fall is great for curling up on Sundays and watching football!