Dale Earhardt Jr. and Tony Eury Jr.: Can This Marriage be Saved?

In a recent interview, Dale Earnhardt Jr. shared his concerns about maintaining his relationship with cousin Tony Eury Jr. for the final half of the season.

In the past, the grind of those last few months of racing and the pressure of the Chase have sometimes put a wedge in their relationship.

In fact, Dale Jr. said it has gotten “downright ugly” in those last few races, with name calling and major fights and blow ups.

As a licensed clinical social worker who has done a fair share of marriage counseling in my career, I can’t help but be fascinated by that relationship dynamic.  So, here are my tips to Dale Jr. and Tony Jr. in preserving their “relationship” until the end of this 2008 race season.

*   Communicate.  This is obviously easier said than done. But the best relationship technique is to make sure that the lines of communication are always open and that each takes time to communicate effectively.  One of the cardinal rules in communication is never to yell, scream or curse at one another but to speak civilly and in an even tone.  This will be a major challenge for this couple based on the radio communication that most of us have heard in the first part of the season, but they will have to work on it to make it.

*   Use “I” messages.  So often in difficult relationships, “you” messages are shared, such as “You set up this car so it drives like a piece of crap.”  This is not an effective way to share feelings.  The appropriate “I” message would be “I don’t feel that I’m the best driver when you set up the car so that it drives like a piece of crap.  So, can you help me with that, please?”  Dale Jr. and Tony Jr. are sure to see the positive difference when they use their “I” messages.

*   Praise five times to every one criticism.  Relationships between crew chief and driver, just like marriage relationships, depend on positive affirmations.  It is important to tell each other many more positive things for every negative or disparaging comment.  So, instead of Dale Jr. saying to Tony Jr., “I can’t drive this thing – it’s way too loose,” he could say instead, “I really like the way we all stood together for the national anthem, and the way you helped strap me into the car, and the way you encouraged me to check my pit road speed and scrub off my tires before the start of the race.  But I really do need you to tighten up this car because I don’t want to disappoint you but hitting the wall this time by.” See how much more effective that positive messaging is?

*   Be clear in your expectations.  Another important part of communication is to always clarify roles and expectations.  Tony Jr. must be clear when he expects Jr. to pit and Dale Jr. must be clear in his expectations of Tony Jr.’s race calls and decisions.  Both need to stop “second guessing” each other and to support each other in their decisions no matter what happens.

*   Learn the art of compromise.  If Tony Jr. thinks four tires are in order and Dale Jr. wants a gas and go, compromise on a two tire stop.  It will satisfy both partners and who knows, maybe that track position will be the key to winning the race after all.

If Dale Jr. and Tony Eury Jr. follow these simple tips, they are sure to not only finish the season but celebrate it by sitting at the winners’ table at the Waldorf Astoria.  And for more crew chief/driver relationship tips, visit me at my new website “Shut Up and Drive.com”.