A four-act play
By Todd Morse
Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Buffalo, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal huts of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd quarterbacks stake their claim;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their passes bury their fan’s pain.
The fearful passage of their season’d prove,
And the continuance of their fan’s rage,
Which, management’s end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
Act I.
[The sun is setting on another season for the Bills, as the Tennessee Titans have just ended the Bills season in heartbreaking fashion, using a trick play, which will forever live in Bills lore as Home Run Throwback.
Throughout the season, two factions of Bills fans have developed, fans in support of the short, low-on-talent high-on-heart, dogged Doug Flutie (the Reds), and the oft-injured, cannon armed Rob Johnson (the Blues).]
The Reds: Flutie!
The Blues: No, Johnson!
The Reds: No, Flutie! He plays the drums!
The Blues: No, Johnson! He doesn’t have a mullet!
The Reds: No, Flutie! He just wins!
The Blues: No, Johnson! He wins when he isn’t injured!
The Reds: No, Flutie! You dirty, weak scum buckets, eh!
The Blues: No, Johnson! You filthy Molson drinking, CFL loving, Canadian!
Management: This is out of control! But people are buying tickets. Yeeees! Yeeeeeeeees. Bwaaaahahahahahahahaahahahah!
Act II.
[A few years have passed, fans are bitter and the team has gotten worse.]
Management: Hi fans! We know you’re sick of a QB controversy, so we’re bringing in Drew Bledsoe. We know he’s old and a little rusty, but he has awesome stats.
[Awkward pause]
Management:...Oh, we’re also bringing in a bunch of old, shiny veterans and we’re going to the playoffs with them!
[Awkward pause]
Management:...Oh, and we’re throwing Bledsoe a welcoming parade because he is THAT good!
All fans: Yay, a PARADE, he must be good.
Fan 1: We can be one fanbase again!
Fan 2: Though look at that guy, he still wears a Flutie jersey!
Fan 1: I know, Canadian, drum-loving hippie! Where can I buy my Bledsoe, Sam Adams, and Lawyer Milloy jerseys. They’re going to be here forever!
Fan 2: Me too!
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