The Buffalo Bills: Shakespeare's Lost Tragedy

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The Buffalo Bills: Shakespeare's Lost Tragedy

A four-act play

 

By Todd Morse

 

Two households, both alike in dignity,

In fair Buffalo, where we lay our scene,

From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,  

Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.  

 

From forth the fatal huts of these two foes  

A pair of star-cross'd quarterbacks stake their claim;  

Whole misadventured piteous overthrows  

Do with their passes bury their fan’s pain.  

 

The fearful passage of their season’d prove,  

And the continuance of their fan’s rage,  

Which, management’s end, nought could remove,  

Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;  

The which if you with patient ears attend,  

What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

 

 

Act I.

[The sun is setting on another season for the Bills, as the Tennessee Titans have just ended the Bills season in heartbreaking fashion, using a trick play, which will forever live in Bills lore as Home Run Throwback. 

 

Throughout the season, two factions of Bills fans have developed, fans in support of the short, low-on-talent high-on-heart, dogged Doug Flutie (the Reds), and the oft-injured, cannon armed Rob Johnson (the Blues).]

 

The Reds:  Flutie!

The Blues: No, Johnson!

The Reds: No, Flutie! He plays the drums!

The Blues: No, Johnson! He doesn’t have a mullet!

The Reds: No, Flutie! He just wins!

The Blues: No, Johnson! He wins when he isn’t injured!

The Reds: No, Flutie! You dirty, weak scum buckets, eh!

The Blues: No, Johnson! You filthy Molson drinking, CFL loving, Canadian!

 

Management: This is out of control! But people are buying tickets. Yeeees!  Yeeeeeeeees. Bwaaaahahahahahahahaahahahah!

 

 

Act II.

 

[A few years have passed, fans are bitter and the team has gotten worse.]

 

Management: Hi fans! We know you’re sick of a QB controversy, so we’re bringing in Drew Bledsoe. We know he’s old and a little rusty, but he has awesome stats.

 

[Awkward pause]

 

Management:...Oh, we’re also bringing in a bunch of old, shiny veterans and we’re going to the playoffs with them! 

 

[Awkward pause]

 

Management:...Oh, and we’re throwing Bledsoe a welcoming parade because he is THAT good!

 

All fans: Yay, a PARADE, he must be good.

Fan 1: We can be one fanbase again!

Fan 2: Though look at that guy, he still wears a Flutie jersey!

Fan 1: I know, Canadian, drum-loving hippie! Where can I buy my Bledsoe, Sam Adams, and Lawyer Milloy jerseys. They’re going to be here forever!

Fan 2: Me too!

 

Management: Yeeeeeeeees! Ticket sales! Merchandise! Yeeeeeeeeeesssssss! 

 

 

Act III.

 

[Three years have passed, Bledsoe had eight good games to start and then everyone hated him. Nobody likes him anymore, and the fans wanted a change, so the team trades away a million draft picks to draft another quarterback...who fans didn’t want and nobody likes. Still, fans begin to divide into Bledsoe and Losman camps, called the, uh, Reds and Blues again]:

 

Reds: Bledsoe!

Blues: No, Losman!

Reds: No, Bledsoe!

Blues: No, Losman!

Reds: Ok, I really agree, Bledsoe is kind of bad.

Blues: No, Losman!

Reds: Yeah, I said I agree, I agree. I made up a nickname for him, Bledsuck. I’m clever, what do you think of that? I’m going to back Losman with you!

Blues: What?

Reds: I’m being logical, I’m a logical Bills fan, and we’re all backing the same horse right now!

Blues: You’re stupid, probably liked Flutie...or Johnson, or whatever...I hate life! 

Ahhhhhh!!!! I have to renew my season tickets! 

 

Management: Yeeeeeessss. Insanity! Ticket Sales. Renew! We have regionalized—Rochester, too! Yeeeesss. Bwaaaahahahahahahaha.

 

Rochesterians: I'm from Rochester, I should buy tickets, too! This is mad! Ahhhhh!

 

Management: Hahahahahahah!

 

 

Act IV.

 

[Losman annoys teammates, quotes Yoda, annoys fans, annoys local media, and annoys national media, except Ron Jaworski. Then he has an all right season in his first year as a starter, grows up, helps out the community, and everyone in Buffalo, due to the need to hate a quarterback and the withdrawal from not hating one in a while, decides to hate him anyway. 

 

A group of 15 people in Buffalo create a support group called the Losmanites for people who don’t hate Losman, nobody shows up. Subsequently, surprising everyone and no one at the same time, the Bills spend a third-round draft pick on a quarterback, creating an immediate buzz in Buffalo.

 

The buzz increases when Edwards demolishes fourth-string competition in preseason games and Buffalonians have their smack again. This time, they’re the different colors but you get the point.]

 

Grays: Losman!

Greens: No, Edwards!

Grays: No, Losman! He started last season, and should start now.

 

Greens: No, Edwards! According to my calculations, Edwards performed 387 percent better against fourth-string competition in in his third preseason game. Based on my formula, that means Edwards is going to be four times better than Loss-man (see, I called him Loss-man, because I’m clever)...

 

Grays: Were you the guy that called Bledsoe, Bledsu...

 

Greens: Anyway, he will be four times better because he completed one more pass than Loser-man (did you catch that? Loser-man?)

Grays: Caught it

Greens: Did. One more completed pass, Edwards is THE man. To the Promised Land!

 

Grays:  Losman did throw 19 TD and 3,000 yards last season.

Greens: Yes, but those were against the bad teams, see, according to my calculations, he wouldn’t have had 19 TDs and 3,000 yards had he played different teams and not completed those passes.

Grays: Ahh, so he really wasn’t as good as he was?

Greens: Exactly!

 

Grays: I get it! So Edwards, despite never playing in the league, must be better? Because he can be better, right?

Greens: That’s what the math says.

Grays: Who can argue that? I support Edwards! 

Greens: Who doesn’t?!

 

Management: Will you buy more tickets if we play Edwards?

Fans: Of course, we never liked Loser-man! 

Management: Yeah, he was terrible, at least we can blame him on the GM we fired even though the guy responsible for drafting him is really still our GM!

Fans: Yay! 

Management: Buy his Jersey!

Fans: Parade?

Management:...we might move to Toronto...bwahahahahahaha

Fans: Ok, ok, ok, we’re buying.

 

Management: Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa, how much?

Fans: Record numbers!

Management: Yeeeees!

 

A glooming peace this morning with it brings,

The sun for sorrow will not show his head.

Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things.

Some shall be pardoned and some punished

For never was a story of more woe

Than of the fans of the Bills of Buffalo. 

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