There have been certain things I've noticed as I've started attending more sporting events upon entering college.
Besides noticing that I'm an overenthusiastic heckler (come on who doesn't love a good heckle now and again?), I've also noticed that there is some proper etiquette that comes with being a fan.
On the court, playing field, and obviously the golf course, there is always proper etiquette to be adhered to, therefore the fans should be held to no lesser standard.
You may have paid good money for that seat, but you're letting everyone down, including yourself, if you fail to live up to a standard set of viewing rules.
That is why I'm here to set these rules in stone and also will keep adding on to them as I attend more and more events and experience all sorts of new and exciting feelings, like a sports puberty if you will.
I've always been a late bloomer.
1. If you show up late in the second quarter, after the fourth inning, or after the first period and someone is in your seat, too bad. Barring a 10-car pile-up or just rush hour traffic on your way to Dodgers stadium, arrangements should be made that you make it to the game at least close to on time.
If someone still tries to claim their seat, the person now sitting in it should point to the scoreboard, inform them of my rule and maybe give them a swift tap to the genital region. That should suffice as a fair punishment.
It may be a little extreme to get hit in your man bags for being late to a game, but you're collectively slapping your favorite team in the face by not showing up on time.
2. When the Noise meter appears on the Jumbotron, it must be defeated. No questions asked.
3. A fan must make at least one heckle a game in order to fully get their money's worth. Like I said before, everybody enjoys a good heckle, whether it's telling a player how unfavorable they think they are or how ugly their mother is.
Unless of course it's Dorothy Mantooth, you don't ridicule her because that woman is a saint.
*Style points awarded for creativity.
4. Unless it's an NHL game or an extended period of an MLB game, if the person in front of you is standing up, stand up as well. There is nothing wrong with rising to your feet to show support for your beloved team.
If the person in front of you is standing up longer than you take it as a challenge to your fanhood and reply with a standing match longer and more drawn out than the de la Hoya-Mayweather fight. It would probably have more hitting too.
5. Thunder sticks should always be used with caution. On a related note, always avoid Bat Day, and the not as commonly known Machete Night.
6. Never cheer when a player is hurt. You stand up and clap when he gets back up and walks off. It doesn't matter if it is your rival or an early season cupcake.
Also, absolutely no cheering if a horse is being euthanized at a horse race. The red paint will rain down upon you after that decision. However, sports fans may cheer everywhere when Roger Clemens is euthanized.
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