God: Creator of Worlds, Decider of Super Bowls
No wonder this planet is going to Hell, God is way too busy fixing the Grammy's and deciding who wins the Super Bowl to bother fighting the forces of Evil.
I'm looking at you David Caruso. If God was paying attention then clearly your inexplicable acting career would have ended after the release of Kiss of Death and before Jade.
Now we're left with this.
Satan 1—God 0
But I digress.
What happened to you God? You used to be cool.
Over 13 billion years ago (or 4000, but lets not split hairs), God created the Universe.
This vast entity comprises everything perceived to exist physically, the entirety of space and time, and all forms of matter and energy.
God did that. Even Bono would bow down to that guy.
But eventually being awesome just gets old.
Apparently bored with Dinosaurs, God made Man in His image, and soon thereafter he proceeded to get all up in our business.
When He wasn't destroying cities because of their penchant for kinky sex (Gen 16:24), he was killing dudes for pulling out (Gen 38:10).
My personal favorite: After being led around the desert for 40 years, a few people had the audacity to issue a complaint. So instead of explaining why the Land of Milk and Honey was so bloody tough to find, He did what He does best: He killed all 100 of them (Num 11:1). Whining is the Devil's work.
After killing 30,000,000 of us I guess He realized that we're a stubborn bunch. So 2000 or so years ago he sent us Jesus to deliver a much kindlier, gentler message.
Your basic spiritual Good Cop, Bad Cop.
However, if there's one thing present day Americans and first century Canaanites have in common, its their mutual hatred for peace and love hippies.
So we killed Him. We like our God angry, it seems.
Then for 2000 years nothing happened.
OK fine, we made a few sculptures and invented physics. But that's basically it.
Then a strange thing happened. As it became increasingly apparent that Man would never aspire to the lofty standards God had set for us (it seems we just can't stop killing each other or banging our neighbor's wife), we did the only thing we could.
We brought God down to our level.
No longer content with praying for good health and bountiful crops, we turned Him into a partisan sports fan with a Hip Hop fetish.
Once upon a time, God was the creator of the universe. Now he's producing Whitney Houston albums and running numbers for the Gambino Crime Family.
So America, when the next calamity hits (hurricane, oil spill, a second season of Jersey Shore), get off your knees and stop wasting the Lord's time with prayers imploring Him to decide the outcome of the Super Bowl.
Besides, we all know that God is a Dolphins fan anyways.
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