Fantasy Football: Channeling Your Inner Expert

You're stupid.

At least, that's what all of the other fantasy-football experts tell me. You see, whenever we fantasy-football experts get together, one of the main topics we enjoy discussing is your complete incompetence when it comes to fantasy football.

Because, let's face it, you're not too bright. If you were, you would be an expert.

"But surely," we can hear you thinking. "You don't mean me? Personally? By name?"

Don't be ridiculous. Of course we do. I mean, come on. I just told you we can read your mind.

"So what can I do?" you say. (Well, not actually out loud, even though you do move your lips when you read. It's kind of annoying.)

It's simple. Just follow these five easy steps, and even an idiot like you can break the cycle of fantasy-football failure and enjoy the warm spotlight of fantasy-football success. 

Step One—Draft Good Players

Drafting players that are not good is a poor strategy. Stick with players that are good.

Here's an expert tip: A player that was good last year may or may not be good this year. And a player that was not good last year may or may not be good this year.

You're welcome.

Step Two—Talk Over People At Your Draft

No matter who gets drafted in what round by which owner, make loud comments after every single pick. The comments can be positive or negative, it really doesn't matter. Just as long as they are loud.

Another expert tip: Shout these comments out while chewing a nacho.

Step Three—Constantly Toss Out the Names of Fifth-String Wide Receivers and Tight Ends From Losing Teams Before Making Your Official Draft Choices

You want to make it clear to your opponents that you are familiar with every skill position player in the NFL, and are capable of drafting any player at any time.

Expert tip: Do not draft any fifth-string wide receivers or tight ends from losing teams.

Step Four—Taunt the Owner of the Team You Are Playing Each Week With Inappropriate Comments About Their Physical Appearance, the Size of Their Twinkie, and the Sexual Habits of Their Wives and Mothers

I believe this one goes without saying.

Step Five—Win

I don't know how many times I have watched other owners play fantasy football and lose. This is not very smart. The object of the game is to win.

Expert tip: Stop losing, you moron.

Well, there you have it. Enlightening advice from a fantasy football expert, designed to help you reach your pigskin potential and reign supreme in all of your fantasy-football leagues.

Now that's a fantasy.