Fantasy Football: Channeling Your Inner Expert

Ever feel like a Fantasy Football incompetent? That's because you are. Expert Jim Cantrell explains how to break the losing cycle that is your football idiocy.

by Under Construction (Columnist)

32

530 reads

Humor

July 21, 2008

Humor, NFL, Fantasy Football, Fantasy Sports

You're stupid.

At least, that's what all of the other fantasy-football experts tell me. You see, whenever we fantasy-football experts get together, one of the main topics we enjoy discussing is your complete incompetence when it comes to fantasy football.

Because, let's face it, you're not too bright. If you were, you would be an expert.

"But surely," we can hear you thinking. "You don't mean me? Personally? By name?"

Don't be ridiculous. Of course we do. I mean, come on. I just told you we can read your mind.

"So what can I do?" you say. (Well, not actually out loud, even though you do move your lips when you read. It's kind of annoying.)

It's simple. Just follow these five easy steps, and even an idiot like you can break the cycle of fantasy-football failure and enjoy the warm spotlight of fantasy-football success. 

 

Step One—Draft Good Players

Drafting players that are not good is a poor strategy. Stick with players that are good.

Here's an expert tip: A player that was good last year may or may not be good this year. And a player that was not good last year may or may not be good this year.

You're welcome.

 

Step Two—Talk Over People At Your Draft

No matter who gets drafted in what round by which owner, make loud comments after every single pick. The comments can be positive or negative, it really doesn't matter. Just as long as they are loud.

Another expert tip: Shout these comments out while chewing a nacho.

 

Step Three—Constantly Toss Out the Names of Fifth-String Wide Receivers and Tight Ends From Losing Teams Before Making Your Official Draft Choices

You want to make it clear to your opponents that you are familiar with every skill position player in the NFL, and are capable of drafting any player at any time.

Expert tip: Do not draft any fifth-string wide receivers or tight ends from losing teams.

 

Step Four—Taunt the Owner of the Team You Are Playing Each Week With Inappropriate Comments About Their Physical Appearance, the Size of Their Twinkie, and the Sexual Habits of Their Wives and Mothers

I believe this one goes without saying.

 

Step Five—Win

I don't know how many times I have watched other owners play fantasy football and lose. This is not very smart. The object of the game is to win.

Expert tip: Stop losing, you moron.

 

Well, there you have it. Enlightening advice from a fantasy football expert, designed to help you reach your pigskin potential and reign supreme in all of your fantasy-football leagues.

Now that's a fantasy.

Humor

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comments (32) write a comment »

  1. reply to comment by Vinny
    2 months ago

    Lol good article

    1. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      Thanks, Vinny. It was fun to write. :)

  2. reply to comment by Isaac
    2 months ago

    These are rules to live by...

    1. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      There is only one rule to live by, and that is the rule of ignoring the rules. Unfortunately, by following it, you are actually breaking it.

      Anyway, thanks for reading. And if you really enjoyed this ridiculous dog-pile of an article, you should click on the "Humor" tab under the "Related Pages" heading to the right of this column and check out the Humor page. Lots of writers much funnier than me have really great stuff on there. Check it out. :)

  3. reply to comment by Greg
    2 months ago

    Hey, I take offense, Jim! So what if I move my lips while reading your article...is it bad that I move them as I type?

    Anyway, your list isn't quite as inspiring as "dodge, duck, dip, dive and...DODGE!" but just as practical.

    And once again, hilarious, of course.

    1. by Greg
      from 2 months ago

      By the way, Jim, I struggle with Nos. 1 and 5 but am quite capable of 4 and especially 2. Maybe I'll turn it around this year...

    2. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      Dude, we both know you won't turn it around this year. Heck, you can barely keep it where it's at.

      Wait, are we talking about the same thing? ;)

  4. reply to comment by Rich
    2 months ago

    Can I chew virtual nachos and shout comments in ALL CAPS in internet draft rooms with the same effects?

    1. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      WHY YES...chmp...chmp...chmp...YOU SURE AS HELL CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. reply to comment by Tyler
    2 months ago

    I've followed all of these rules except the last one! Maybe I'll turn it around this year.lol

    Nice article.

    1. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      If you get a sec, you might want to help Greg (above). He's trying to turn his around, too. :P

  6. reply to comment by The Pro-FF-iler
    2 months ago

    I believe I just changed religious affiliation.

    1. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      Well, I have been told that I have the body of a god.

      And that god is Buddha.

  7. reply to comment by Alan
    2 months ago

    haha great job

    1. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      Thanks cute girl in Alan's profile photo! (I really have an effect on the ladies.)

  8. reply to comment by Chris
    2 months ago

    I am starting a Bleacher Report Fantasy League at RotoHog. If you are interested please email me at wrongarm300@yahoo.com

    RotoHog's leagues have no maximum team limit, so the more the better. Let's find out who the best Fantasy Football player is here at the Bleacher Report!!

    1. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      Although I won't be able to join your league this year, it sounds like a lot of fun. Are you going to keep us up to date with the winners and losers once the season starts? That would be cool. :)

  9. reply to comment by Justin
    2 months ago

    thanks so much, you just saved me twenty bucks in fantasy mags.

    maybe this should have been a pay article.

    hmmmmmmmmmmm...

    maybe next year.

    1. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      Dude, I don't think it's appropriate to talk about how much you spend on "fantasy mags" with your lady friend standing right next to you. :D

      Thanks for reading. ;)

  10. reply to comment by Daniel
    2 months ago

    Second's the first place of LOSERS! Just win baby. HaHa!

    1. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      And a tie is like kissing AL DAVIS! Just gargle baby. HoHo! ;)

      Thanks for reading, Daniel. :)

    2. by Daniel
      from 2 months ago

      I don't know,
      I think some of the Raider's fans that still claim that big AL has any idea what the hell he's doing might relish the opportunity to make out with the man. Among other things. Just barf baby.

  11. reply to comment by Brendan
    2 months ago

    Hysterical, lol. Good article!

    1. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      Thanks, Brendan. If you missed the thread above, check out the "Humor" tab to the right for more funny stuff. :)

  12. reply to comment by John
    2 months ago

    Good stuff Jim. If you've ever been in a fantasy league you have to laugh.Looks like you all need a trip to my website though,I'm only offering to make 200 people winners though(less than that now actually). I would email Chris, but would never join a league with more than 12 teams.(Part of being a winner...lol). Keep the stuff coming!

  13. reply to comment by Casey
    2 months ago

    Awesome article man, I tried to vote it as my pick of the day but it already won yesterday... fascists, lol.

    1. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      Casey, thanks for your pick of the day. It may be imaginary, but to me it still counts. ;)

  14. reply to comment by Mike
    2 months ago

    Nice article Jim.

  15. reply to comment by Mike
    2 months ago

    Nice article Jim.

    1. by Under
      from 2 months ago

      Thanks, Mike.

      Thanks, Mike.

  16. reply to comment by Taylor
    2 months ago

    Those are basically some good things to stand by in a Fantasy league. Great hilarious article Jim, good work.

  17. reply to comment by Ryan
    2 months ago

    Good Tips.

    I'd also watch the waiver wire after the draft and throughout the season. I won my league last year because of free agents like Todd Collins and Derek Anderson.

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