Oakland A's Starter Dallas Braden Keeps Grandma Away from His Mound (Satire)

In front of dozens of Oakland Athletics fans at the Coliseum, Dallas Braden threw the 19th perfect game in MLB history and second in team history Sunday.

Afterward, Braden was a little annoyed when his teammates ran across the mound to celebrate with him. He attempted to put a velvet rope around the mound before celebrating but was unable to stop his teammates from getting through.

"Stay the f$%k off my mound!" Braden yelled. "Go around and come hug me."

Thankfully, Braden was able to put his grandmother, Peggy Lindsey, in a hold before she was able to step on the mound, avoiding what could have been a disaster.

"I'm glad I was able to bear-hug her before she stepped on my mound," Braden said. "I'm not sure I would have been able to forgive her if she did that. Things could have gotten ugly."

Athletics catcher Kurt Suzuki refuses to even step on the dirt when coming to talk to Braden.

"The last time I did that...well, let's just say this may or may not have been from Braden spearing me," Suzuki said, motioning to the bandages around his midsection while sitting in front of his locker.

Suzuki has missed the last two weeks with a "ribcage strain."

Braden is pushing for any mound he pitches from to be removed after each inning he pitches. This would make it so opposing pitchers, catchers, and managers couldn't step on the mound he was pitching from.

"It's my mound, dammit," Braden said. "No one else's; mine, mine, mine."

Braden has refused to allow the mound from his perfect game to be sent to Cooperstown to be enshrined in the Baseball Hall of Fame.