Clubhouse Cancer: The Symbolism Of Dallas Braden's Perfect Game (Satire)

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Clubhouse Cancer: The Symbolism Of Dallas Braden's Perfect Game (Satire)
Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

The “Susan G. Komen for the Cure” breast cancer awareness organization condemned Oakland Athletics pitcher Dallas Braden for his perfect game in a press release issued Sunday night.

Continuing a tradition begun last year, Major League Baseball celebrated Mother’s Day by teaming up with the Komen Foundation for its “Going to Bat Against Cancer" Initiative, according to an article on MLB.com.

“When we said we were 'going to bat against cancer,' we wanted to step up to the plate and hit a home run,” said Komen spokeswoman, Laurie Jupiter, “or at least work the count and take a walk. What kind of cold-hearted scoundrel does it take to throw a perfect game?”

“What kind of message does that send?”

The press release emphasized the imagery of the Tampa Bay Rays’ special pink bats flailing helplessly against Braden’s unhittable offerings, and their “pinkified” uniforms walking dejectedly back to the dugout after each and every at-bat.

“He should be ashamed of himself,” Jupiter said, “We will not strike out against cancer.”

Commissioner of Baseball Bud Selig was quick to respond to the controversy.

“Braden’s actions were indefensible,” he said, “His malevolence is nauseating, and he ought to be ashamed of himself.”

Selig added that he would begin to plan disciplinary action against Braden Monday morning. When asked to speculate about the severity of the punishment or whether it would come in the form a fine or a suspension, Selig was noncommittal, saying only, “there’s gonna be trouble.”

“What is [Braden] trying to prove?” Jupiter asked, “What a despicable human being.”

Braden declined to comment.

In other news, a Cleveland, Ohio, teenager who took Braden out of his fantasy baseball team’s starting lineup for this week’s scoring period suffered a massive heart attack upon hearing about Braden’s accomplishment.

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