Golden State Warriors Owner, Investors Plot Hostile Takeover of L.A. Clippers

Oakland, CA- Infuriated that the Los Angeles Clippers have signed Kelenna Azubuike to an offer sheet, Golden State Warriors, LLC. has announced that it will attempt to buy the Clippers franchise for $400 million. 

The Warriors' offer is worth approximately $100 million more than the estimated value of the L.A. franchise, one of the least valuable despite playing in one of the largest media markets in the country.

"This is the last straw," Chris Cohan, Warriors owner, was quoted as saying. "I bet they don't even know how to spell 'Kelenna Azubuike'."

If the bid is successful, Cohan said, the new Clippers franchise will be moved to Oakland, while the Warriors will be moved back to San Francisco. According to Cohan, this would "help alleviate the confusion about all those 'The City' Baron Davis jerseys that so many tourists and out-of-market TV viewers experience."

When asked if there was any possibility of Clippers ownership rejecting the takeover offer, Cohan smiled and said "we're talking Donald Sterling...we're talking Donald Sterling. And if he doesn't take the offer, we'll sic Carl Icahn on him. Who does he think we are, a Belgian brewery?"

Cohan also mentioned that the offer was not too large, because if Troy Murphy was worth $60 million, "think what a whole franchise is worth."

A reporter did inquire if part of the motivation behind the bid was to bring Baron Davis back to Oakland. "Of course not, it's not like that traitor ever did anything to put fans in the seats, or bring excitement to Oakland. To recreate that environment, we must bring back Erik Dampier.

If the takeover was to fail, Cohan concluded, "we would still have a nice consolation prize in Ronny Turiaf."