Reel Cool, Brother: The Top Seven Hulk Hogan Movies

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Reel Cool, Brother: The Top Seven Hulk Hogan Movies
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The Top Seven thoroughly enjoys taking a look at some non-sporting ventures taken by sports figures.

You have the Deion Sanders hot dog cooker , Macho Man Randy Savage’s rap album , and John McEnroe and Magic Johnson’s talk shows leading the way.

However, sometimes someone is so incredibly good at their onscreen venture, that they deserve their own category. Enter Hulk Hogan’s movie career.

The Hulkster raked in six Oscar nominations while racking up over $3 billion in North American box office receipts during his illustrious Hollywood career. This week’s Top Seven installment pays homage at Hogan's finest motion pictures.

 

7. Three Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain

If they’re going to remake Karate Kid, couldn’t they remake Three Ninjas, and at least try to make it a decent movie? A movie titled “Three Ninjas” has lots of promise. They just need to make sure if it is remade, they don’t eventually make it a franchise, culminating in a movie where people are taking over an amusement park and three child ninjas trained by Hulk Hogan, have to overtake them.

 

6. The Thunder in Paradise Trilogy

Who is the lunatic that green-lighted three of these movies? You can buy the entire trilogy on Amazon for $16.49, and it’s ranked  No. 29,444 (perhaps up to No. 29,443 after someone reading this actually does buys it!). Make sure that you don’t skip around in the series, because you’re lost if you don’t get the back story of the first of the series.

 

5. Santa with Muscles

Let’s just move on.

 

4. Spy Hard

Seeing a movie like this makes you realize how hard it is to pull off slapstick comedy movies.  As classic as “Airplane” and the first two “Naked Guns” were, this was just as atrocious. The movie’s definition of “parody” was to simply act out famous movie scenes.

In that respect, perhaps it was ahead of its time? It was YouTube before YouTube! Hogan makes his appearance in the last 15 minutes, even doing the old ripping off of his trademark tank top. This movie is only 81 minutes long, but if you had to sit through it set an over/under on length, you wouldn’t blink before setting it at 141.5.

 

3. Mr. Nanny

This movie was pitched as being like “Home Alone.” Then again, seemingly every movie that was aimed at kids that came out between 1991 and 1993, was pitched as being like “Home Alone.”

Just have a kid violently injure adults using a wide variety of torturous methods, and you have a movie like “Home Alone.” Actually, couldn’t you say that the “Saw” movies are like “Home Alone,” in that they just matured along with "Home Alone’s" audience? I think that there is a case to be made.

 

2. No Holds Barred

Taking the title of the most ridiculous feud in wrestling history is a title that is perhaps harder to get than any other title in human history. The competition is fierce—you’re up against feuds based on mother jokes, snakes that are laid on others, and necrophilia. The “No Holds Barred” feud could possibly be the winner, and it is at least in the discussion.

Playing a famous pro wrestler, "Rip," Hogan feuds in the movie with a guy named "Zeus," an actor named Tiny Lister (who was in "Dark Knight").  Then, in the “real life” WWF, the “real” Hulk Hogan, who played the wrestler “Rip” as an actor, feuded with “Zeus,” who was the character from the movie, though it wasn’t Lister, it was the movie character.

It was like one of Doc Brown’s paradoxes from "Back to the Future," or could it possibly be that the WWF is so deep and beyond normal human comprehension, that this was actually a brilliant feud? Possibly…I wouldn’t rule it out.

 

1. Rocky III

It is definitely not fair to put this movie in with the rest of these because it’s actually good. Honestly, is there a person in the history of cinema with this many bad movies?

Let’s adjust, like baseball, for movies, and say that for someone who had starring roles in five or more movies, is there anyone with a worse list? Anyone?

Hogan’s total screen time as "Thunderlips" in Rocky III was about five minutes, and he barely had to speak. It can’t be counted for a starring role. Macho Man was right on his rap album, Hogan’s movie career was a joke, while Macho got himself a role in Spider-Man. (Of the numerous Thunderlips YouTube clips, we felt it necessary to go with the one in HD that featured Hulk’s signature “I am a Real American” as the theme music).


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