The first round of the NHL playoffs offered a fair share of unpredictability, as the sixth, seventh, and eighth seeds in the East all advanced. So, it would be foolish to attempt to guarantee any outcomes for the second round.
But thanks to a highly advanced technological logarithmic prediction simulator developed by yours truly, I am able to do just that—guarantee you the results. The Guarantor XL99 works by answering only one question that has absolutely nothing to do with hockey:
What would happen if the figurative logos of each team were forced to do battle?
Sharks vs. Red Wings: A shark fighting a tire with wings would be a very interesting bout, and a pay-per-view dream. In the shark’s natural oceanic habitat, the flying tire would be useless and ripped to shreds by the shark. However, back in Detroit, home of the flying tire, the shark has trouble against this mutant hybrid that is mobile on land or in air.
Since more games are scheduled for the Shark Tank, the guarantee is SHARKS IN 7
Blackhawks vs. Canucks: How about Chief Blackhawk of the Sauk American Indians vs. some average Joe from Canada? Canadians can be a very tough group, especially when it comes to hockey. But the Guarantor XL99 has nothing to do with hockey. The average Canadian is not equipped to handle this notorious Indian Warrior.
The simulation displayed a very angry Chief Blackhawk repeatedly slashing a Canuck with a tomahawk...BLACKHAWKS IN 5
Penguins vs. Canadiens: Now we have a penguin fighting some average Joe that’s French Canadian. When envisioning this one, you would think a French Canadian would have no problem taking out a little penguin, given the reach and mental advantages.
However, the simulation used one of those creepy six feet tall Emperor Penguins for the Penguin, and used Celine Dion for the Canadien. Celine put up quite a fight but in the end it was PENGUINS IN 6
Interesting Side Note: While conducting my scientific research, I made an interesting tangent discovery:
Canadians are much more peaceful than Americans.
I know, not surprising, but even in our hockey team names. American team names are usually of violent origin: sharks, avalanches, lightning, hurricanes, panthers, coyotes, predators, sabre swords, blue jackets (homage to the Civil War), and even the Devil himself. These are all pretty intimidating symbols that are known for killing!
Now, let’s take a look at the Canadian names:
- Canuck: some guy from Canada
- Canadien: some French guy from Canada
- Oiler: some guy from Canada who works at an oil rig
- Senator: some guy from Canada who holds a political office
- Maple Leaf: a sweet, fragile, crumply...leaf
This discovery probably explains the lack of success among Canadian teams in recent years, with no Stanley Cups since 1993. Come on Canada, stop being so polite, it’s time for some hostility! The day that a maple leaf blows my house down or bites my leg off, I will believe that Toronto has a legitimate shot at the Stanley Cup.
Bruins vs. Flyers: Our last fight involves a brown bear and a flyer. What is a flyer? Apparently no one really knows, but it must fly and it flows well phonetically with Philadelphia (phonetically also flows well with Philadelphia).
The Guarantor XL99 decided to use the P-Wing from Super Mario Bros. 3 to represent the Flyers given the similarity of their symbols. The P-Wing was a very awesome advantage to have for that game. It made you virtually untouchable. The bear will get some good shots in whenever the P-Wing swoops down to ground level but the result will be FLYERS IN 7…and that's a guarantee.
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