This feels like the worst time of the year for a southern sports fan here in Atlanta.
The Hawks just lost two games on the road to some random ABA team up in Canada, or something like that.
The Braves are behind the Washington "Natinals" at the bottom of their division standings.
And of course, we always primarily want to talk about football. However, NFL draft talk and spring practice discussions have become more of an annoyance than anything else.
So what to write about?
Well, I know one thing: Nothing cooks up more around this time of year than rival to rival trash talking. Tech fans throw parties every time one of our players gets arrested (needless to say, that is plenty of partying). Florida fans throw stats—like three wins in 20 years—in our face.
Auburn fans, well, they keep their distance for the most part, but their recent recruiting success has become their secret weapon. As a faithful Bulldog, I give more trash talk and biased rants than anyone else.
But today, with the sun shining and everyone with a 0-0 record, I have found it within my capabilities to write an honest yet playful letter to the many rival fans who, by default, despise me. I'm going to lay it all out.
Within each section of this letter will be 10 reasons why I hate and 10 reasons I love, yes, love , one of our rivals. Okay, so maybe not love . Nevertheless, you are going to get a taste of how I really feel about your school.
But first, here is an analysis of my own school, which I represent, and do not actually attend.
10 Reasons You Should Hate the University of Georgia
1) The campus is absolutely disgusting on Saturdays.
2) Downtown Athens smells like a dump.
3) Our former running back, Knowshon Moreno, was an arrogant showboat who was way too into himself.
4) Our fans will not shut up about 1980—and half of them weren't even born yet.
5) Stafford wasn't the most endearing guy either...
6) We don't even win our own division and we get to go to a BCS bowl.
7) Our fans go ape whenever we wear something black.
8) If arrests counted as national championships, we would be as much of a historic powerhouse as all delusional fans claim us to be.
9) We actually did, essentially, steal the Green Bay Packers logo. "Glory Glory" isn't original either. And we make a big deal out of our hedges, even though everyone else in our conference has them. And, our actual fight song, the one played after point afters, is extremely similar to Florida's. Not only that, but most UGA fans don't even know it.
10) Our coach is the least expressive or likeable sports figure in the SEC.
...All of the Georgia fans reading this are probably thinking "traitor!" and removing me from their friends page. Before you think about doing so yourself, here are 10 honest reasons why UGA rules.
10 Reasons You Should Warm Up to the University of Georgia
1) We have the most lovable mascot ever. (Well, UGA VII was officially the most lovable.)
2) Southern hospitality! You don't get that down in Florida. Any orange clad visitors are always welcome to tailgate with us! (Clad in Gold...maybe.)
3) It actually is a good school. Florida fans love to bash on UGA for being inferior when it comes to academics. Tech fans actually think UGA is a junior college. A 2.5 GPA will not get you in, and neither will a 3.0.
4) A.J. Green is likeable. He's not a boastful kid. He's soft spoken and humble, and really really good. (Well, according to me. The referees in the LSU game apparently didn't think so.)
5) The Green Bay Packers gave us permissions to use the G! If it was an issue, they would have filed a lawsuit by now.
6) Lots of pretty women with southern bell accents.
7) Dudes who have their wives do bulldog logo stencils on their heads.
8) Coach Richt, despite his boring persona, is the least arrogant coach out there.
9) Our "blackouts" were actually a lot of fun. And while other teams try to emulate a "blackout," Georgia was the only team that did it right. Did you see our first blackout? There was not a single red shirt in the entire stadium. Best experience ever. Sorry your team didn't think of it first (though none of you have black in your colors.)
10) You're probably going to beat us anyways.
Alright, so maybe I'm showing some vulnerability. Here comes the easy part. Here is my biased and sports-fanified (pleased do not edit out that awesome word I just made up) opinion on your school.
10 Reasons I Hate the University of Florida
1) Tim Tebow. He cheated. He had to have.
2) Urban Meyer retiring, and then un-retiring, and then saying "April Fools!" despite the fact that it wasn't April...someone give the man a calender.
4) The Gator Chomp. When UGA fans drive by an opposing team vehicle, we bark. Why? Because it's compatible for driving. We do not have to take our hands off the wheel to annoy you. The Gator chomp, on the other hand, requires you to let go of the wheel. Don't chomp and drive.
5) All of your fans are either 70-year-old men and their wives, or 14-year-old kids here in Georgia who couldn't think of a better team to associate with.
6) Your offense is impossible to stop.
7) Our players run 4.2 forties. Your players run 2.4 forties.
8) Gelled hair, excess of vibrant colored sun glasses, guidos, etc.
9) Your coach yells at sports reporters for, well, reporting sports.
10 Reasons I Actually Like the University of Florida
1) Erin Andrews.
2) Tim Tebow is actually a really good guy. He's the most likeable athlete there is in the sports world. Great ambassador for sports, in general.
3) The offense is a work of genius. I wish our team ran it...(Logan Gray does too.)
4) The foam-Gator-hat-wearing gentleman who sat in front of me at an Auburn vs. Florida gym meet (don't ask) and found all of my Tebow jokes hysterical.
5) Yes, you do have better academics, and I commend you.
6) You make for one heck of a party down in Jacksonville every October.
7) We don't have to live with you here in the Atlanta, like other fans...
8) You didn't run out onto the field or start a fight when we stormed the end zone in 2007. Had it been a Clemson vs. South Carolina game things might not have gone down so smoothly. I'm glad your players had heads on their shoulders.
9) You are always our excuse for why we didn't do anything during our season. For example: "How are we supposed to win the SEC East with Florida around? It's not our fault." It actually is our fault, but thanks for always being there.
10) "The Swamp," mainly because we never actually have to play in it.
10 Reasons I Hate the Georgia Institute of Technology
1) Your coach told you to punch us in the face. But for some reason you all think Mark Richt is a classless a-hole.
2) You made the ACC title game and you didn't even show up in Tampa. You could have told us you weren't going and given us the tickets. Any road trip + football = awesome for us.
3) You make fun of us for losing in black when you can't even decide on your school colors. You can't even decide what shade of gold you are. (Or, in regards to 2008, what shade of Dijon mustard you are.)
4) Your campus is in the middle of Atlanta. Translation: Every campus visit is a life-threatening adventure.
5) All of the fans in your student section are converted ping pong and WoW fans who are just there to make noise.
6) The Georgia Tech football program is the worst thing that could ever happen to a punter's life.
7) You cheat. (I'm not making this up, unlike my Tebow remark. Bay-Bay Thomas' touchdown vs. Clemson was illegal!)
8) "All The Way Turnt Up"
9) You play the "underdog, David vs. Goliath" card, but at the same time talk about how overrated UGA is.
10) Your offense never runs out of options, where ours runs out of options the second someone trips A.J. Green off his route.
10 Reasons I Actually Like Georgia Tech
1) Half of my friends go to Georgia Tech.
2) The CRC (The rec center on campus, which makes Stegeman Coliseum look like a card board box.)
3) Old fashioned, classy, home atmosphere (got to love the brick walls and Atlanta skyline).
4) The Ramblin Wreck and wearing white at home. GT actually has a good brand.
5) The triple option offense. Possibly the best coached team in the ACC, if not the country, when it comes to offense.
6) Josh Nesbitt stealing the ball back from FSU.
7) Watching you beat Clemson, considering Clemson won't even play us anymore. Someone has to beat them.
8) We cheer for you when it's Georgia's bye week/when you are playing a big school, because really you are most Georgia fan's local team.
9) The only drop of the amazing BayBay Thomas' dominating career.
10) This guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cK5cTFHc_9E
10 Reasons I Hate Auburn University
1) It's out in the middle of freaking nowhere.
2) War Eagle. War Tiger. Tiger Eagle. Make up your dang mind already.
3) You play our fight song like it's nothing.
4) Junior Rosegreen; more specifically, his hitting abilities.
5) Your 4th down conversion against us in 2005.
6) The campus dorms look like a jail yard.
7) Charles Barkley.
8) That bright orange.
9) There is absolutely nothing to do in Auburn, Alabama.
10) Half of your fans live in the Atlanta area. Half of your students come from the Atlanta area. Half of your football team is from our area too. (You turned my friend Nathan from a Bulldog fan to an Auburn fan. You will never be forgiven.)
10 Reasons I Like Auburn University
1) Mama's Love. If you don't know what that is, you are not entitled to know. Let me just say it's a sandwich, not an activity.
2) It's basically the Athens, Georgia of an alternate universe.
3) Like Tech, a lot of my friends go there.
4) It doesn't smell nearly as bad as Athens.
5) Your mascot flies around. Our mascot sits on a bag of ice until his heart explodes.
6) Jordan-Hare Stadium.
7) You are the least hostile out of all of the rival fanbases, mainly because your mother is probably a Georgia fan and Georgia grown.
8) Heck, you are basically Georgia's western university.
9) You are really not a hated rival, but more of an old school opponent that always sets up for the prime SEC football atmosphere whenever you play us.
10) You got your butts kicked when we wore black, instead of making us look like fools like Alabama did.