Now that the NFL Draft is in primetime, it seems the league believes that offseason rebuilding and restocking is just as important, just as entertaining as the actual games.
I couldn't agree more.
With the fanfare of the star-studded and red carpeted NFL Draft out of the way, it's time for a offseason power ranking—how is each team doing this offseason.
First, a moment on the ranking system. Last season's win-loss was the greatest factor in the system, along with a free agency grade and a draft grade. This is not a projection of next season's wins and losses, but rather a ranking of how each team looks right now.
For the movies, think of them as a loose scatter plot. The biggest summer blockbusters are at the top and the lesser movies are toward the bottom, but no real attempt was made to rank the movies. So, hopefully no big burly men get angry because Twilight isn't at the top.
On to the list....
32) Buffalo Bills—The Losers
2009 Record: 6-10
Entering the offseason with key needs at QB, OT and in the defensive front seven, the Bills made a huge move by signing free agent....
*crickets*
OK, Dwan Edwards is a good talent, but is going to a team without a true nose tackle and a barge full of guys to play 3-4 defensive end.
Then, in the draft, Buddy Nix tried to recapture 2001 by drafting CJ Spiller in the first and will spend the next few months hoping he becomes LaDainian Tomlinson.
The Losers follows a special forces unit, gone off the grid, in an attempt to save the world.
Not only is this an appropriate name for a Buffalo team which will struggle to get wins this year, it is a great name for a team which few people remember—struggling to keep talk of a move to L.A. away from their franchise.
31) St. Louis Rams—The Karate Kid
2009 Record:1-15
The old Karate Kid was a teenage white kid learning karate. The new Karate Kid features an 11-year-old black kid—Will Smith's son, Jaden—learning Kung Fu. Same basic premise, a new-century twist.
Wax on, wax off.
The new St. Louis Rams are trying to recreate some of that 90's magic in the 21st century, this time with a first overall pick instead of a grocery stock boy—not exactly the same type of story, but Rams fans are hoping for a blockbuster nonetheless.
For the record, Bradford is younger now (22) than Ralph Macchio when Karate Kid was originally released (24).
30) Tampa Bay Buccanneers—Marmaduke
2009 Record: 3-13
Look at that smile.
That smile of Gerald McCoy can light up a room. It could very possibly bring peace to the Middle East and Republicans and Democrats together.
Remember that smile.
Marmaduke is a movie adaptation of a newspaper comic—always a good idea (*sarcasm*)—and will likely be filled with the same hijinks and tomfoolery of the black-and-white single panel adventures of a naughty dog and his frustrated owners.
Gerald McCoy and Josh Freeman are going to need some comic relief this season. The offensive and defensive pieces are starting to fall into place in Tampa Bay, but the wins could be hard to come by.
This owner, Malcolm Glazer, might get frustrated too...if he cared about football.
29) Kansas City Chiefs—Step Up 3-D
2009 Record: 4-12
This might not jive with Kansas City fans, but Matt Cassel will likely be doing the running man again this season as the Chiefs failed to upgrade the offensive line. Hopefully his limbs won't do the twist, and his brain won't do the mashed potato.
Instead, the Chiefs upgraded their defense hoping Eric Berry can one-two step into some interceptions and create his own mosh pit with opposing receivers.
In all seriousness, Step Up 3-D is going to be a bad movie that people will go to see simply because it is in 3-D. The Chiefs are a bad team that people will go to see simply because of their young stars—Berry and Dexter McCluster.
Hey Macarena!
28) Chicago Bears—Knight and Day
2009 Record: 7-9
Those who know the NFL know that the Chicago Bears desperately need a coaching upgrade. The Bears decide to hire Mike Tice and Mike Martz to go with Rod Marinelli as their "all-star coaching staff."
The same group of people think that Jay Cutler needs help, a wide receiver target and some blocking along the offensive line. The Bears add a backup running back.
Everyone knows that the defense needs a ton of help and could use multiple starters and youth everywhere on that side of the ball. The Bears add an aging Julius Peppers and draft only one likely starter—Major Wright.
Knight and Day is not a good idea, Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise in a ironic action/comedy is doomed to flop and appeal mainly to those who have a single digit number of braincells.
Which, ironically, is the same amount Jay Cutler will have if he spends one more season with talent like Chris Williams protecting his blindside.
27) Washington Redskins—Salt
2009 Record: 4-12
Betting on an action movie with Angelina Jolie as the lead female protagonist is never a good idea. It worked, once, with the original Tomb Raider and has flopped a number of times—most notably with the second Tomb Raider.
Likewise, Donovan McNabb is being asked to do it alone in Washington this year with little in terms of weapons or protection around him. Donovan McNabb is a star, and can hold his own with a cast around him, but betting on him doing it himself? Foolish.
Jolie made headlines by suffering a minor head injury during filming Salt...yeah, sounds about right.
26) Cleveland Browns—MacGruber
2009 Record: 5-11
The Cleveland Browns have talent.
The Cleveland Browns also have a mostly inept head coach, a lack of offensive firepower and a front seven on defense that couldn't sack a potato.
We've seen MacGruber before. It's been on SNL, it's been a commercial, it's been funny—in short doses. Find a history of SNL skits and commercials turned into good feature length films. Couldn't? Alright.
Now look at the history of Jake Delhomme. Stop cringing...move on to the mediocre history of Senaca Wallace and third round quarterbacks in their first year.
Expect this Cleveland team to be entertaining at times, maybe even a nice story that will draw a chuckle or two.
Just hope it doesn't bomb.
25) Carolina Panthers—Cyrus
2009 Record: 8-8
It was a budding love affair.
Matt Moore, searching for companionship, had finally met his partner—a young team with an offensive line, a rushing game, and a defense with many of the pieces in place.
As the second round fell into place, Matt Moore was salivating as the visions of passing to Golden Tate for the rest of his life danced in his head.
Then the kid came.
Jimmy Clausen, thought of by many as a little brat, showed up and ruined everything.
Now, the Panthers have the same amount of holes as they did before the draft AND a quarterback controversy brewing.
24) Oakland Raiders—Grown Ups
2009 Record: 5-11
I've written, and still believe, that the Raiders were one good QB away from a possible playoff berth—not a playoff run, but a playoff berth.
This year? It could happen.
Now, the Raiders are still low on this list because of some weird defensive moves, bringing in Rolando McClain, Lamarr Houston and Quentin Groves—three additions that improved the defense and left open the possibility of a 3-4 hybrid look—then shipping off Kirk Morrison—a good young linebacker.
Then, coach Cable quashed all talk of running a 3-4, affirming that the Raiders are a 4-3 team.
Then what are you doing?!?
Grown Ups is a ensemble comedy that has a lot of promise—bringing in comedy gold like Adam Sandler and Chris Rock. But a comedy with central roles for Selma Hayek, Maria Bello, and the funny-in-doses Rob Schneider?
What are you doing?!?
Both the Raiders and Grown Ups have a lot of possibility and promise, but people who are critically looking at these can still see a crash and burn in the near future.
23) Denver Broncos—Splice
2009 Record: 8-8
A couple of the science world's brightest and youngest minds engineer a genetic wunderkind that has amazing powers—both mental and physical—but eventually backfires, killing just about everything.
I give it about a year before Tim Tebow snaps and goes on a killing spree.
I kid. I kid.
I hope.
Josh McDaniels has a plan. It can't be called a good plan, or a bad plan, or a foolish plan, as of right now, it's just a plan.
Does it work? Does it backfire? Does it result in the Denver Broncos becoming a living nightmare?
McDaniels is a young football genius, the rest of us just have to hope he knows what he's getting into.
22) Jacksonville Jaguars—The Company Men
2009 Record: 7-9
The Company Men revolves around a large corporation during its attempts to downsize and how their employees handle the situation.
Maurice Jones-Drew, Aaron Kampman, Tyson Alualu...
There is valuable talent in the Jacksonville Jaguars organization, but is there a corporate policy of downsizing, or at least packing up shop for a possible hostile takeover?
The only sellout in Jacksonville next season might be when Tim Tebow flies in from Denver and Jacksonville—like Buffalo—will have to worry about the possibility of playing in Los Angeles in the very near future.
21) Detroit Lions—The Lottery Ticket
2009 Record: 2-14
When a young kid in a bad situation finds himself the winner of $370 million dollars, he has trouble dealing with all of that success.
The Detroit Lions "lucked" into the best player in the 2010 Draft, Ndamukong Suh, and have found themselves stumbling into other successes as well—getting starters like Rob Sims, Jahvid Best, Corey Williams, and Amari Spievey—adding a massive amount of talent to a talent starved roster.
How will the Lions deal with that success?
The Lions have been here before and bombed, but fans hope this time, it is a box office success.
20) Arizona Cardinals—Dinner For Schmucks
2009 Record: 10-6
Dinner For Schmucks is about a corporate party which celebrates the executive who brings the biggest idiot to dinner.
Ken Wisenhunt is currently leading that competition for the 2010 NFL season—he's bringing two of them!
Matt Leinart has done nothing to show he's ready for prime time, while Derek Anderson has done just about everything to prove he isn't.
19) Atlanta Falcons—Legendary
2009 Record: 9-7
Legendary is a "feel good" movie coming out this summer starring, John Cena and Danny Glover.
Let that one sink in for a moment.
The pairing of Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, and company is a lot more enticing but still—a movie and an NFL team are only as strong as its weakest link.
If everything goes right with either, magic can happen. If things go wrong—like injuries or Cena's horrible acting, there will be a flop.
18) New York Giants—The Other Guys
2009 Record: 8-8
The Other Guys is a cop comedy, set in New York (check) about some nincompoops (double check *ducks*) who look up to the more experienced and talented guys in town (triple check *awaits hate mail*)
A few years ago, it would have been laughable to think that the Giants would be looking up to the Jets.
Now?
The Jets went to the playoffs and improved more than just about anyone. The Giants hired a Tampa Two coach to run a defense not the Tampa Two, have signed a couple of questionable safeties, and had a draft predicated on a lot of upside.
The New York Giants are going to come out of this looking like heroes or bumbling fools.
17) Pittsburgh Steelers—Despicable Me
2009 Record: 9-7
A bad man brought down by some young girls...
too easy.
16) Tennessee Titans—Going the Distance
2009 Record: 8-8
No words describe the speedy Titan running back Chris Johnson like "Going the Distance." When he touches the ball, no matter what the situation is or who is is facing, he has the ability to take it to the house.
On the surface, the movie looks like a romantic comedy centered around football. Actually, the movie has nothing to do with football—rather, it is about long distance relationships.
Pass.
After an 8-8 record last year, the Titans could be all about football this year as well but haven't landed a top free agent and had a very average draft.
Pass?
The Titans would be forced to if Chris Johnson goes down with no proven running back depth behind him. The Titans also lack an elite passer or any real talent at wide out.
Pass.
15) Philadelphia Eagles—Resident Evil: Afterlife
2009 Record: 11-5
After a virus kills half the planet, Alice must roam the earth searching for survivors. She stumbles onto zombies instead.
In the aftermath of the Donovan McNabb trade, the Philadelphia Eagles are a different place. Not only is McNabb gone, but Brian Westbrook as well.
The two players who have defined the Eagles for nearly a decade will be playing in new cities.
What will be found in the "ruins?"
Time will tell.
The likelihood is that whatever they find will be infinitesimally better than a fourth Resident Evil movie.
14) Seattle Seahawks—Twilight: Eclipse
2009 Record: 5-11
Sorry Seahawks fans, you get to be the "chick flick."
Actually, one of the biggest reasons the Seahawks match up with the newest Twilight is that it is supposedly far more action packed and will appeal to more people than the creepy love stories of the past two movies.
Likewise, the Seahawks should appeal to more than just die hard fans this season with a budding defense and a revamped offense.
This team still has holes, but Seattle is arguably the most improved team this offseason...almost as if it has risen from the dead.
13) Miami Dolphins—The Sorcerer's Apprentice
2009 Record: 7-9
Both the Sorcerer's Apprentice and the 2010 Miami Dolphins center around one word, "help."
Chad Henne is not Chad Pennington, more of a gunslinger, less accurate, Henne needs more help and a different kind of help than Pennington.
In 2009, he did not have.
In 2010, he does.
It's on him, now.
12) San Francisco 49ers—Jonah Hex
2009 Record: 8-8
A gunslinger on his last leg, last chance for survival in the dark and scary wild west. This tale of redemption has been told a thousand times before, and the only one betting on our hero is himself.
The above is actually two stories.
One involves Megan Fox.
The other involves Mike Iupati.
Maybe it's the football fan in me—or the fact my wife is looking over my shoulder—but I'd rather see Iupati.
11) Houston Texans—The Last Airbender
2009 Record: 9-7
The Last Airbender is based on a cartoon named Avatar, whose fans are extremely pissed at a certain movie about blue aliens right about now.
The Houston Texans used to be a cartoon as well, and their fans are still pissed at a QB who is black and blue—David Carr.
Meanwhile, this offense just keeps getting better. With the addition of Ben Tate—a very solid runner—Garrett Graham, and even Dorin Dickerson, Matt Schaub keeps getting more and more weapons.
Schaub might be the only thing more dangerous through the air than that tiny little bald kid.
10) Baltimore Ravens—Clash of the Titans
10) Baltimore Ravens—Clash of the Titans
10) Baltimore Ravens—Clash of the Titans
2009 Record: 9-7
Seriously though, I love what the Ravens have done this offseason—adding weapons for Flacco and defensive depth in the front seven.
Here's hoping Cody doesn't confuse Ray Rice for an hors d'oeuvres.
9) Cincinnati Bengals—Toy Story 3
2009 Record: 10-6
Carson Palmer—the cowboyesque straight man (note: only time "cowboyesque" and "straight" have ever been used in the same sentence).
Chad Ochocinco—an over-the-top caricature of a well-played stock character, the entertaining diva wideout.
If only someone could get Tim Allen and Tom Hanks for the broadcast!
Still, with Antonio Bryant and Jermaine Gresham, Palmer has even more toys to play with than Andy...no word yet if he's writing his name on anyone's feet.
8) Green Bay Packers—Shrek Forever After
7) New York Jets—The Expendables
2009 Record: 11-5
Rex Ryan is 1200 pounds and do YOU know where your 80 illegitimate children are?
Antonio Cromartie, Ladainian Tomlinson, Santonio Holmes, etc. etc. etc.
The Jets were a playoff team last season and surprisingly made it to the AFC Championship game. They have not stood pat this offseason, having a decent draft and bolstering a solid but aging roster.
However, they did so by taking on a lot of older/trouble players, the original teams thought were expendable.
In the movies, that works...on the football field? We shall see.
6) Minnesota Vikings—Prince Of Persia: Sands of Time
2009 Record: 12-4
Let's get one thing out of the way.
Yes, Vikings fans, you were one snap away from the Super Bowl last year.
Yes, if this were a 2009 Final Power Rankings, you would be number three.
But, since the Vikings did not get a eventual replacement for Brett Favre OR Pat Williams and added (essentially) another injury risk at safety and replaced Chester Taylor with Toby Gerhart...
You are moved down to six.
This is an old team, the window of opportunity is letting a draft in and old man Favre will eventually get his nursemaid to close it. He and Williams aren't the only old players, Hutchinson, Winfield, Sage Rosenfels, and Ryan Longwell are all "key" players not getting any younger.
5) Dallas Cowboys—Nightmare on Elm Street
2009 Record: 11-5
The movie is about a villain who kills victims while they sleep.
The Dallas Cowboys just drafted a, uh, Cowboy who kills his teams because he sleeps—through class, practice, film sessions, etc.
The Cowboys are going to be a nightmare either way—either to opposing defenses or to their fans for having again amassed more big name talent and not getting it done.
4) New England Patriots—Robin Hood
2009 Record: 10-6
The whole Tom Brady throwing darts, Robin Hood is an archer comparison is just too easy.
Rather, let's go this route.
For years, the New England Patriots have stolen, literally stolen draft picks from teams who have no idea how to use them. On top of that, the Pats have gotten an inordinate amount of compensatory picks for letting overpaid free agents walk.
This year, the Patriots finally pulled the trigger, and got (likely) four key players for next year—even on an already talented roster—and a number of great developmental prospects for the future.
With one offseason and 12 draft picks spent, the Patriots are, all of a sudden, a young team full of (wait for it) merry men.
3) San Diego—Inception
2009 Record: 13-3
As of now, little is known about Inception.
It stars Leonardo DiCaprio, Ellen Page, Michael Caine, and other A- and B-list actors, but the plot has been kept (mostly) under wraps and many people are interested in seeing how this cast works together.
Letting Cromartie and Tomlinson go was a bold move. Adding Mathews and Cam Thomas was an even bolder move, letting two rookies compete for key positions.
If it works, it'll be a blockbuster, if not...just another ensemble cast gone wrong.
2) Indianapolis Colts—The A-Team
2009 Record: 14-2
First of all, note how the younger Manning brother was paired up with an ensemble action comedy of much less renown while Peyton is in a movie with a similar formula which is a guaranteed cash bonanza.
Pulitzer, now please!
Also, am I the only one who isn't surprised that Manning isn't starring in a full length feature film yet?
I pity the fool who doesn't agree!
Oh, by-the-by, the Colts look really good this year and kept pace with the league's best by adding a talented third defensive end and another young linebacker and defensive back that fit their scheme.
1) New Orleans Saints—Iron Man 2
2009 Record: 13-3
The comparison starts at the electronics store where Drew Brees and Tony Stark will both be gracing the cover of video games this summer.
And the comparison ends with just about everyone being excited about the newest Marvel installment and the New Orleans Saints (America's new team) repeating with an even more talented roster than last year.
The Saints added three possible 2011 starters (seriously) in the draft if Patrick Robinson, Charles Brown, and Matt Tennant all pan out and Al Woods could be the steal of the draft.
Oh, and the Saints kept their best defensive RFA—Anthony Hargrove—and signed Alex Brown and Jimmy Wilkerson. They are expected to re-sign Darren Sharper as well.
Almost as cool as Robert Downy Jr. in an iron suit surrounded by hot supermodels.
Almost.
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