MLB All-Star Game 2008: So Many Things To Make Fun of, So Little Time

Tosten HeathSenior Analyst IJuly 16, 2008

During the ninth inning of the All-Star Game yesterday, I planned to write this article about how pathetic Fox Sports' performance was in covering Mariano Rivera's entrance at Yankees Stadium.

The moment was excitedly anticipated all week, and then was pushed out of the way for some animated lizards advertising an energy drink.

A few innings later, I realized that, in the end, that moment meant nothing anyway, because the batting was so porous that Rivera's appearance ended up being meaningless.

It was then that I changed my game plan to a breakdown of how bad Dan Uggla's night was. But then the alleged best baseball players the American League has to offer hit into three straight groundouts with the bases loaded and let him off the hook.

By the end of the game, I was all set to discuss how much I wanted to light Frank Sinatra's music on fire by the end of the night.

It was at this point in time that I realized that there were so many cringe-worthy, craptastic aspects of this year's MLB All-Star Game that I might as well combine them into one nirvanical blog post.

This time it counts...

The pregame show was possibly the worst piece of television programming I have ever seen. I do not consider the coverage of a parade where pitchers and their wives get threatened and legendary old timers get interviewed a "show".

The player introductions were complete shenanigans. Do these old, all-timers really enjoy having to stand out on a field for an hour while their names get called and cheered? We already respect them. They get enough honor.

Yes, I understand that it is Yankee Stadium, and it is historical, and all that jazz, but seriously—these dudes are like 70-years old. You're gonna hurt their backs making them stand out their for such a long time just for a meaningless ceremony.

This crap about the starting pitchers only throwing two innings is nonsense. You complain about having to put guys in the game that just pitched on Sunday, but then you pull starting pitchers who consistently go seven or eight innings just because you want to let everyone play.

This isn't Little League. The honor of the All-Star Game is to be selected for it, not to play in it.

*Positivity Alert* Yogi Berra is hilarious. People have fallen in love with Charles Barkley lately. Yogi blesses the world with 10 times more funny quotes than Barkley does. Plus, he's unbelievably short. That alone is just comedic gold.

Are the best pitchers in baseball that much better than the best hitters? Seven runs in 15 innings. That's embarrassing.

How in the heck did America vote Corey Hart into the game over Ryan Howard, who leads baseball in home runs and leads the NL in RBI? Hart swings like a stinking pitcher. Actually, most pitchers' swings look better. He was horrible.

Guess what else is horrible? Dan Uggla's game. Three strikeouts. Three errors. A double play in the 10th with runners on first and third and only one out. Aaron Cook probably wanted to drop kick Uggla when he almost blew the game for him with two errors behind Cook's pitching.

The coaches probably wanted to drop kick the hitters too. Three for 28 with runners in scoring position. From All-Stars. Apparently they just didn't think, "This time it counts," on the 25 other opportunities.

Russell Martin should have been the MVP. He was a part of the two most memorable plays in the game with two of his scoops and tags at home plate.

Bud Selig should have called the game a tie in the 10th or whenever like he did in 2002. I can't believe I just said that.

Yankee fans are ridiculous. I have a feeling that they would have rather had Papelbon blow the save than the AL win the game. Actually, then they would have realized what happened and started to boo Paps.

They just seemed so confused on whether to boo people because they weren't Yankees (e.g. racial slurs at Ichiro, threats at Papelbon's pregnant wife) or cheer them because they were on the team that could get the Yanks home-field advantage in the World Series.

Just look at this clip of how they reacted after J.D. Drew's home run: first cheers, then jeers.

Props to Tim McCarver, for once. You stayed awake the whole game. I predicted you'd be out in the 12th.

Joe Buck, after watching that game on Tuesday, I now understand why you don't like or care about baseball anymore.

Finally, the commercial breaks went as long as this blog post has run. The broadcast was coming back on right before pitchers were releasing the ball. Absurdity.

I don't care if it counts. Make it entertaining next year, MLB people.