Just got back from a tiresome match of Truth or Dare with Lyoto Machida and the Diaz boys.
I advanced by daring Nate to punch his way through a wet paper bag (I think he's still hyperventilating).
Lyoto advanced by daring Nick to say one nice thing about Frank Shamrock (turns out Lyoto's not just a tactician inside of the cage).
When things played out, it was down to me and Lyoto. He pulled the trump card of drinking your own urine, and I heeded Tank Abbott's (in)famous quote of "He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day—and looks like a pussy today." So I one-upped him by suggesting we drink each other's urine. He's currently spending a few days at the Betty Ford Clinic detoxing, while I can't seem to stop crescent-kicking my friends and family in the face.
In case you're wondering, it was a draw.
As I spent Saturday night envious of the fact Frank Shamrock will have the straightest teeth throughout the entire AARP community, a couple of thoughts snuck into the unused portion of my brain that does not constantly think about waterboarding Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos until she finally admits that she is perfectly capable of using a men's urinal to relieve herself.
Even back in the days of when I used to care about trivial matters such as lung cancer and liver sclerosis—roughly 10 B.D.A.A (Before Drugs And Alcohol)—if I was put inside the cage with Shinya Aoki, I still would have gassed myself via asphyxiation by laughing uncontrollably at Shinya's constant "butt-scooting" across the cage. If I can't control myself everytime my dog does it across my carpet, I would be powerless watching a grown man do it for 25 minutes straight (I shiver at the thought of what his tighty-whiteys must of looked like after that performance).
I also felt bad for Dan Henderson. After fighting like a man for the first five minutes of the fight, I carefully thumbed through the California Legal Book to find out what exactly constitutes a "Date Rape". Last time I saw that much grinding, I spent a week in Juvenile Hall with a chubby that wouldn't quit. In my book, Jake Shields has just as much explaining to do as Ben Roethlisberger. Quite frankly I'm shocked all his victims on Bully Beatdown have repressed those memories so well.
Another pressing issue on my mind has been the reason Tito Ortiz has backed out of his fight with Chuckles Liddell. I'm firing off scenarios in my head that could ultimately be the reason he backed out of their much anticipated re-re-match....
Could it be some sort of sexually contracted disease his lovely wife has given him? I say not likely because of Jenna's obsession with getting plowed by some unknown "foot-long" always taking place inside the safe haven of a perfectly sanitized jacuzzi. During some scenes I swear you can see the ultra-elusive Alaskan King Crabs floating alongside (go ahead, try to prove me wrong...the day she declared female-on-female action only marked a very depressing time in my life).
Could it be the paper-thin T.U.F. gym door actually kicked his ass when he tried to smash it to pieces? It might have been out for vengeance after Rampage humiliated it on national TV.
My money is on the most likely scenario of Tito deciding it's much more important to destroy Chuck in the arena of Dancing With The Stars.
Only time will tell...fortunately, we will all get the 50 dollar sleep-aid that is another Rich Franklin fight (For the record, I'll take Liddell in that match-up because I'm certain that some of the dance routines he learned will score him enough points to earn a unanimous decision from at least Cecil Peoples).
In the meantime I look forward to Fedor getting by Fabricio Werdum and taking on the laboratory experiment named Alistair Overeem. I sincerely hope the man is married, because I can't imagine the awkward conversation he has every time his partner inquires what the hell happened to his testicles.
A special "Thank You" goes out to Frank Shamrock for proving once again that he will sell his soul to the devil by declaring that he's a "Jake Shields Fan" after all of the tough-guy false bravado he spewed out before an unimpressive performance by Jake "NyQuil PM" Shields.
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