I was planning on doing this mock draft on April Fools Day, but I decided to wait until now. Personally, some of these things being drafted might be the case. Will Al Davis draft Verizon, or does he think AT&T is faster. I guess will find out.
This is a lighthearted attempt at humor, so I hope you like it! By the way, all the quotes by coaches and GMs are totally false!
Breaking News Ticker: Traded Keith Null to the Steelers for seven footballs.
The pick is: RB Jahvid Best
Coach Steve Spagnulo had this to say, "I know a lot of people wanted us to take Sam Bradford, but the reasons just didn't add up. I think the biggest reason was in the brand name. I like players' names that add up to 10 like the St. Louis Rams."
The pick: 30 million dollars.
This is what Ford had to say, "Look, Detroit has been hit hard by the economy. I'd rather be spending the 30 million dollars guaranteed on us than a Russell Okung or Nydam-Nydan-whatever Suh. I hope the fans of Detroit Lions football will understand..."
The pick: Johnny Depp
Coach Raheem Morris had this to say: "I'm extremely happy to welcome Mr. Johnny Depp to the team. I think he will be a valuable asset to the team. He can show his new teammates what its like to act. Maybe we can starting acting like we're good. Regardless, I'm extremely excited to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean Movie!"
The pick: A muzzle
This is what head coach Mike Shanahan said about the pick, "I've grown tired already. Schneider is driving me CRAZY. If you were in my position, you would've done the same thing. He needs to shut the heck up. I think this top of the line product from PETCO is going to do the trick."
The Pick: Jack Swanson, the former ballboy for the Dallas Cowboys.
This is what general manager Scott Pioli had to say on the matter, "Well, since he's a part of the Bill Belichick Patriots tree. Swanson was there when Parcells was there. And Parcells formerly coached for the Patriots, where Belichick coaches now.
I worked with Belichick, and therefore, that's why I picked him. He's a great guy. Maybe a little out of shape now. But at 42, the motor's still running fine.
The pick is: RB Stafon Johnson.
This is what head coach Pete Carroll had to say, "Stafon is a great young back. He has good instincts...You guys maybe questioning this, but I guarantee you he'll be a great young back. He's a very vocal leader, trust me on that."
The pick is: Sam Bradford.
Mike Holmgren had this to say about the pick, "We were so lucky to get a world class talent like Bradford at this pick. The Mangenius wanted Kafka, but aren't we glad I'm running things? The fact is is that the QB position sucked last year. It was as horrifying to watch as Heidi Montag in a bikini. Shaun Cody has somebody to compete with now."
The pick is: Usain Bolt.
Al Davis had this to say about Bolt, "Wow! What a talent he is. He can run! Like a bolt of lightening. When I watch this kid, I see a lot of myself. Except that I'm a little bit slower than he is nowadays. I see what Hugh Hefner's been talking about all these years. This is the sensation I want to have!"
The pick is a restraining order for the cold weather and Terrell Owens.
Ralph J. Wilson had this to say, "The bottom line is that we hate the cold weather. I've had contacts with mother nature, but she insists it should snow. I tried offering her—well, that's a bit inappropriate. I've also restrained T.O. He's a loud mouth. He played like toilet paper, and he didn't have a good attitude."
The pick is 20,000 fans.
Wayne Weaver had this to say: "We can't attract anyone to the stadium. So that's why I'm physically drafting fans. The commissioner told me this wasn't possible, but I did it anyway. We're importing the fans from parts of Mexico, Eastern Europe, Russia, South eastern Connecticut, and the Weaver family."
The pick is the Geek Squad.
Josh McDaniels had this to say: "Look, I'm technologically idiotic. I want the Geek Squad to teach me about the...tit-oh wait twit pic. I think I'll experiment with the play book. I'm also going to make a tumbface profile. I've got to learn these things before I turn 80."
The pick is a wildcat.
Bill Parcells had this to say: "I like the weapons we have, but I think we need the ultimate weapon. The actual wild cat. He's a good athlete, maybe not as fast we like, but still solid. He seems to be a big fan of Michael Vick, at this time!"
The pick is a pair of underwear.
Mike Singletary had this to say on the matter: "Well, I've needed some for quite awhile now. The players have been complaining in the locker room about the kind of motivation I've been providing. The first time the wardrobe malfunction happened, 12 players called in sick.
The pick is Charles Brown.
Pete Carroll commented, "We are extremely lucky a player of his caliber fell to us. We need a new left tackle, and the No. 2 player on the big board was available. I'm definitely not being biased here. We need some PROTECTION for our quarterback."
The pick is Kim Kardashian.
Tom Coughlin pointed out, "We think she'll come in and do a great job for us. We don't want to make the same mistake this time. I wanted to draft the better version of their siblings."
The pick is tickets for the Clash of the Titans movie.
Jeff Fisher said, "I think the guys deserve a break. I saw the movie, and thought it was good. The plots pretty simple to understand. I just hope no one starts fighting between each other. But it's not like I can rename the moving, "Friendship of the Titans" or "Middle Finger of the Titans."
The pick is Golden Tate.
Mike Singletary stated, "I like this kid. I think he belongs in this town. He reminds of something famous in this historic city...Wait Jerry Rice!"
The pick is two weeks of golf.
Mike Tomlin commented, "Ben is sure to be suspended for the incident. So we wanted to get him a gift to keep him busy. Now, I know what your thinking. I hooked him up at an all men golf course. He's going to be playing with the victim's father. I hope that they can settle their differences."
The pick is a squishy ball Mike Smith can squeeze when he gets angry.
Arthur Blank had this to say, "I think this is a step in the right direction for him. He tends to take his emotions out on the little bittie football players out there. I don't want him to be considered a bully. I don't want him to act like a dog out there fighting."
The pick is get to playoffs free card.
Gary Kubiak had this to say about the pick, "We've been stuck in mediocrity the last few years. It's been awhile since we've made the playoffs. When I heard the commissioner was making this card available, I trounced on the opportunity."
The pick is to legally change from Bengals to Ochocincos.
Marvin Lewis commented, "Believe it or not, this wasn't my idea. I like the last name Ochocinco. We're also thinking about adapting some of his products like his cologne, "Arrogance", his new condom line, and make our website the ONN (Ochocinco News Network)."
The pick is personality injections.
Bill Belichick had this to say, "I don't know if you've noticed, but I don't exactly have much personality. So, I'm going to be injecting myself with 'ality. It isn't dangerous, and will improve my performance. I just don't want to be perceived as too bland."
The pick is American cheese.
Mike McCarthy said, "I know everybody is a fan of cottage cheese in Green Bay, but I'd very much like to change the culture a little bit here. Tiger Woods wouldn't like it. There aren't any holes in it."
The pick is corn.
Andy Reid said, "I want our new starting QB Kevin Kolb to be comfortable out there. With corn as a new teammate, Kolb is in his natural habitat, if you will. I didn't want to spill the beans, but I wanted this statement to be more interesting than celery."
The pick is Rolando McClain. J
ohn Harbaugh told us this, "We need someone to replace Ray Lewis. It's not that Lewis' performance is lacking, but his pre-game speeches are losing luster. The technique he's been using has been poor. And the angles in the stories he's been telling have been less sharp."
The pick is Jimmy Clausen.
Ken Wisenhunt commented, "With Kurt Warner retiring, I figure that we need a new franchise quarterback. Leinart sucks, so I can't use him. All I can hope for is that the line can hold protect Clausen from the heat."
The pick is Terrence Cody.
Jerry Jones stated that, "Here in Texas we draft players the size of Texas. I think Cody will definitely be able to help us with marketing and such. The little hesitancy I had with making this pick is that I wasn't sure whether he was to big for JerryVision."
The pick is Leigh Tiffin.
Norv Turner had this to say, "I'm officially announcing Nate Kaeding's retirement for the National Football League. It's a shame. It's not all his fault. He only missed three field goals and cost his team a chance to go to the AFC championship. Oh well."
The pick is Channing Crowder.
Rex ryan put it, "I want to patch things up with Crowder. We've already arranged a time and place for the fight. It will be at the next MMA event. I've been training for awhile now. I think my players will be proud to know that I've cut out doughnuts and burgers from my diet."
The pick is forfeited.
Brad Childress had this to say, "I just couldn't decide. At first I said I'd pick him, then I didn't. And finally the time went up, and I had no pick in. I hate when people can't make decisions. Well, at least I'm glad no one else is like that on my team."
The pick is Maurice Pouncey.
Jim Caldwell stated, "Peyton has started to express his displeasure over Jeff Saturday. He thinks Saturday is ruining his hand. Peyton isn't liking the cleanliness either. It's a necessary move."
The pick is five brand new X-Box controllers.
Sean Peyton had this to say, "We've got to be able to defend our titles, and that means hard work in mini camps. We'll be spreading our work out. The first couple of days will involve hand agility. We will then focus on the mental part of Madden. If we want to repeat, we have to be dedicated!"