Beijing 2008: 15 Great Things About the Olympics

1. When else could you tell your buddies to come round your house to watch hours on end of exciting sports such as archery and badminton?

2. And for all you rednecks (or if you’re Dick Cheney) out there, make sure you check out the clay pigeon shooting! Might give you some tips come pigeon/quail/dove/pheasant/turkey/deer/your best friend season.

2.  You can cheer for your country. Loudly. Forget the "Spirit of the Olympics". If my country’s against your country come Olympics time, yours automatically sucks!

3.  The men’s 100m could be one of the fastest races ever recorded. And if they all get court for banned products, the last guy might have the chance to win a gold!

4.  It’s a chance to get an insight into China without thoughts of Chairman Mao (killer of millions), starving villagers, and high pollution. Unless of course you’re a marathon runner, then the third one will be very apparent come the tenth mile!

5.  You’ll be able to see one of the greatest swimmers in the modern age—Michael Phelps—try and beat Mark Spitz’ record for the most medals in a game. Could it be the only time that Penn State and Ohio State fans root for someone who attends Michigan?

6.   Beach volleyball. If you haven't already seen the Olympics' greatest institution, then where have you been all these years?

7.  Why else would you not grab the chance to see the mighty Team USA basketball team knocked off by another country that they can’t place on the map (mind you, where’s Lithuania and Greece again?). Or root for a Duke man playing for Britain (Luol Deng)?

8.  The Olympic tennis finals could throw up another Federer-Nadal classic. Or another Williams-Williams borefest. If you’re a Brit like me, you can cheer on Andy Murray into fourth place!

9.  Cheer on the spirit of the Olympics while drinking your can of Coca-Cola, using your Visa to order a Volkswagen car or a Panasonic TV while wearing Adidas trainers.

10.  Thank God that you’re not sailing in the harbor’s green muck or breathing in the Beijing air.

11.  Thank God you aren’t a journalist. No politicos allowed. And if you’re a Chinese writer, I’d advise against saying: “China sucks.” It could land you in jail.

12.  Speaking of China, make sure you check out the guys and girls playing table tennis. If you thought you were good when playing with your buddies, you’ll realise you have NOTHING on these guys.

13.  And if you’re British, make sure you cheer on the cycling and sailing as much as possible. It’s probably the only chance of Olympic gold they have!

14.  Or if you’re American, make sure you’re tuned into every sport. You’ll probably win gold in most of them. In fact, don’t even bother “making sure”—Sports Illustrated will give the heartwarming tales of heroism while NBC will broadcast with the sort of gushiness only usually reserved for home games in South Bend.

      15.  Be inspired. Unless your country is losing, and then refer to reason two.