The Absolutely Perfect Philadelphia Eagles 2010 NFL Mock Draft! (satire)

Okay, so I've been looking at other mock drafts floating around out there, and I've noticed some large discrepancies in terms of which players or positions people think we should target in each round.

So I came up with the perfect mock draft. It was really quite simple, actually. I just analyzed months and years and decades of film on every player that has ever played college football and made the best decisions at each selection. Literally, these picks have no arguments against them. Each and every player below is a sure-fire stud beyond any possible doubt.

So sit back, relax, and prepare to be amazed as I uncover the best players to draft in each and every round!

1 (24)  :  a 6’2”, 210 lbs, 4.30 40 CB from an SEC team

The Eagles need a playmaking playmaker to make plays for their defense. That’s why I have the Eagles taking a 6’2”, 210 lbs who can run a 4.35 40 CB. He has the speed to cover any receiver in the league, the ball skills to make the leaping interception, and the instincts that a future Pro Bowler should.

His versatile combination of coverage skills, run and pass recognition, confidence in his elite abilities and talents, closing speed, and run support should make him a fixture in the Eagles defensive backfield for years and months and minutes and days and decades and seconds and hours to come.

 Even though his NFL success is guaranteed because of the high level of play found throughout the SEC conference, too many NFL teams were turned off by 6’2”, 210 lbs CB’s lack of size to select him before the 24th overall pick.

2(37)  :  a 6’4”, 255 lbs, 4.47 WLB/SLB/MLB from an SEC team

The Eagles continue to draft according to the best combination of the best player available and need. The 6’4”, 255 lbs. He is a perfect fit for this defense, so much so that Eagles fans can literally find no faults in his game. On film, his nose for the ball, upside, strength, quickness, ability to put pressure on the quarterback, and upside is evident, as is his tremendous potential to be a future playmaking HOF-er playmaker.

He is the perfect linebacker, possessing the versatility to play WILL, SAM, and MIKE in any of Philadelphia’s coverage/blitzing schemes. This LB can also play at the ROSS, TODD, FRANK, JEFF, TOM, and GREG LB positions. He has future Hall-of-Fame talent and upside. Oh yeah, and he’s a playmaker.

2(55)  :  a 6’7”, 280 lbs, 4.50 40 LDE/RDE/DT from an SEC team

This DE is outstanding in pursuit of the quarterback, the running back, the wide receiver, or the tight end. He can get around and through the blocks thrown by the best linemen in the game with his variety of quick pass-rushing moves and strong run-stopping stances. His upside is through the roof, as is his non-stop motor and drive on every down.

Not only is he the best pass-rushing prospect in the draft as well as the best run-stopping, but also the 6’7”, 280 lbs DE might be the best player in the draft, possessing the elite ability to play DE or DT in either a 4-3 or a 3-4 defensive set. The only reason he fell this far was because he once got a C- in sophomore History during his high school years, which lead teams around the league to call his commitment, character, and perseverance into question.

3(70)  :  a 6’6”, 325 lbs, 4.70 40 C/G/T from an SEC team

With the 70th pick overall, Philadelphia looks to add depth and talent to their youthful offense by bolstering their offensive line while continuing their trend of drafting players from the SEC (because everybody knows that these players will be successful because of the high level of talent they faced game in and game out).

The 6’6”, 325 lbs C is an elite run blocker with tremendous upside and elite strength, mobility, and initial quickness, and is intelligent enough to call all hidden defensive looks and schemes back to the quarterback.

P.S.  In addition to his unheard of versatility to play C, LG, RG, he can also play LT or RT! He’s the perfect fit for the Eagles system, as is every player drafted or soon-to-be drafted by Philly in the draft this year.

3(87)  :  a 6’4”, 255 lbs, 4.47 40 WLB/SLB/MLB from an up-and-coming Division II school

The Eagles find themselves taking the exact clone of the ideal LB, whom they selected in the 2nd round. Philadelphia expertly finds another diamond in the rough here with great versatility and playmaking abilities. On film, his nose for the ball, upside, strength, quickness, ability to put pressure on the quarterback, and upside is evident, as is his tremendous potential to be a future playmaking HOF-er playmaker.

In addition, taking another playmaking, Hall-of-Fame-potential upside LB here is loaded with antioxidants, fiber, omega-3’s, has no trans fat, and supports a healthy immune system. Oh yeah, and he’s a ball-hawking playmaker with tremendous upside.

4(105)  :  a 6’3”, 240 lbs, 4.35 40 RB from a generic, unsung Division II school

How do the Eagles keep finding diamonds in the rough like this? Philadelphia desperately needs a playmaking RB with the perfect combination of size, power, speed, and playmaking upside-talent. The 6’3”, 240 lbs RB possesses the size, hands, and power to bulldoze through the line, but also the patience, quickness, and elusiveness to hit the homerun with his ability to score from anywhere on the field.

This RB can be a great compliment to LeSean McCoy, a great compliment to the offense, a great compliment to my grandmother, a great compliment to the Philadelphia Eagles organization, and a great compliment to the United States of America.

4(121)  :  a 6’4”, 230 lbs, 4.40 40 FS/SS from an SEC team

This FS prospect possesses the ideal blend of, but he slipped through the cracks of the draft again , letting the Eagles swoop in and again draft the BPA at this selection.

This safety has been compared to Ed Reed, Sean Taylor, Eric Berry, and Darren Sharper for his ability to turn his hips fluidly and chase after opposing WRs, his ball-hawking, his intense tenacity, and ferocious run support. He can play out of the box, in the box, around the box, through the box, above the box, and below the box, which just goes to show his versatility and upside.

5(137)  :  a 6’5”, 230 lbs, 4.50 40 QB from an unheralded, underrated Division II school

Here the Philadelphia Eagles will select their quarterback-of-the-future-of-the-future. This QB gives the Eagles tremendous upside, has great potential, can be used in the wildcat formation, has a laser rocket arm, can extend the play and lead the receiver, can make all the short medium and deep throws, has great potential, and possesses tremendous upside.

The Eagles find another diamond in the rough here with this pick, as the 6’5”, 230 lbs QB will have the Eagles set at the QBOTFOTF position for years and years and years and millenia and years to come.

6(200)  :  a 6’10”, 240 lbs, 4.45 40 WR from a fast-rising Division II school

You know, the Eagles are lacking a red-zone threat with big-play upside and the ability to make the physical catch. This WR’s size and speed makes him an explosive deep-threat with great hands, physical toughness, potential, and is a sleeper in the draft. He can win the jump balls in the end zone.

Don’t tell the other teams around the league, but I would be surprised if the 6’10”, 240 lbs best WR doesn’t end up being the best WR out of this draft class. He will add another dimension to this offense with his height and speed, allowing the Eagles to be undeniably successful in the red zone.

7(243)  :  a 6’1”, 215 lbs, 4.35 40 CB from an SEC team

The Philadelphia Eagles would have liked to have selected a player with a little more potential and upside then the 6’1”, 215 lbs with ball-hawking, physical playmaker has to offer at this pick in the 7th round, but he’ll do. Scouts were a little underwhelmed with his mediocre 40-yard dash time, so that’s why he falls to the 7th round.

Besides, why would you draft a player who can’t come in, contribute immediately, and be a playmaker with huge upside at all?

7(244)  :  a 6’5”, 235 lbs, 4.45 40 P/K from a largely unheard of Division II school

The Eagles look to bring in some competition. Wait, who are we kidding? There won’t be a competition!

The Eagles take a gamble here on the 6’5”, 235 lbs P who can punt the ball 70 yards each time, is fast and strong enough to run at returners and lay the physical tackle needed to stop the ball carrier, and possesses the versatility and upside to kick from both the punter and kicker positions... not to mention this P can pun the ball out of bounds within mere centimeters of a hash mark! Violà, another draft day gem uncovered by the birds of green and white!

Well, folks, there you have it. The Philadelphia Eagles will walk away from the draft with 11 Pro Bowlers and as many Hall of Fame talents. The combined upside, versatility, talent, potential, upside, and depth of this draft class will make it the best in NFL history.

Fly, Eagles, fly, on the road to victory… E – A – G – L – E – S  EAGLES!