Is Losing a Disease for the Houston Astros? Maybe Dr. Phil Has the Cure

Richard ZowieCorrespondent IApril 15, 2010

LOS ANGELES, CA - DECEMBER 07: Dr. Phil McGraw speaks during the taping of his television show, announcing 'Little Kids Rock Across America' at Paramount Pictures Studios on December 7, 2009 in Los Angeles, California.  (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)
Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

As of this blog posting, the Houston Astros will try to notch their first win of the season as they close out their three-game series in St. Louis against the venerable Cardinals.

The good news is Houston has won nine games this season.

The bad news? The Astros have been playing this season in German, so in essence they've won nein games. As Arnold Schwarzenegger, Heidi Klum-Seal, Boris Becker, and Steffi Graf will tell you, "nein" means "no."

Watching parts of Wednesday's game when I got home from work, I saw that Brett Myers pitched a decent game. Houston's offense even had flashes of brilliance but couldn't seem to put it together. It's only a matter of time before the 'Stros win a game. I highly doubt they'll tie the 1988 Baltimore Orioles' record 0-21 start.

I hope.

When I think of the still-winless Astros, I imagine them in their clubhouse as Brad Mills has them sit and listen to celebrity psychologist, Dr. Phil. The good doctor's lecture sounds like something the New York Knights endured in the movie The Natural , and one has to wonder if some unlucky Astro (perhaps Lance Berkman) will roll his eyes and walk out. Or if Kaz Matsui will ask his translator gab to him about The Iron Chef instead of translating the speech to him.

Here's what imagine happening:

Dr. Phil: a disease. Losing, in layman's terms, is when your opponent scores more points than you do. Or in this case, more runs. And when they score more runs than you do, they will have a much better chance of winning the game.

Drayton McLane: Really? I thought the team that tried to operate on a tighter budget had a better chance of winning!

Dr. Phil (ignores McLane): Unlike some diseases, such as alcoholism and herpes and maybe even the Steve Blass Disease, losing is a curable disease. All it takes is a positive attitude. And making better contact with the ball. And throwing the ball successfully past opposing hitters. And doing what your owner says. And watching my show every day. And buying my books. And attending my seminars. And thinking positively.

Roy Oswalt: Isn't thinking positively and having a positive attitude the same?

Dr. Phil (laughs): Roy, sweet, innocent Roy. No no no no no. Thinking positively means to think in a way where you see the good side of things and think of the best things that could happen. Having a positive attitude means to be have a good approach and expect the best.

Roy O: I don't see the difference.

Dr. Phil (laughs again): It's really not that complicated. Kaz Matsui, could you explain to Roy Oswald the difference?

Kaz M (through his interpreter): The Japanese version is more comical and campy and is typical in its format and style of a Japanese game show while the American version takes itself far too seriously.

Dr. Phil (confused): Um, what are you talking about? (turns to McLane), You know, I didn't come here and get paid $10,000 an hour to be treated like this!

Lance Berkman: Let me get this straight, Mr. trade away Billy Wagner because he's too expensive, you trade for Randy Johnson and Carlos Beltran even though you know you probably couldn't afford to keep them, you let Andy Pettitte go because you didn't want to sign him to two years and you gutted our bullpen in the offseason to save money, but you paid this quack $10,000 to bore us to death?!

Berkman gets up and turns to teammates: C'mon guys! Let's go out and get a win so we don't have to listen to this Oprah clown talk anymore!

Astros team: YEAAAAAAH!

Richard Zowie is an Astros fan and a Bleacher Report blogger who likes to find things to laugh about no matter how dire the circumstances. Post comments here or e-mail .