Thirty MLB Teams in 10 Words or Less

The young 2010 MLB season is just wrapping up its first week, and to put a pretty red bow on it, I'm going to assess each team's opening week performance in—you guessed it—10 words or less!

Blue Jays (5-1): What's gotten into Vernon Wells?

Yankees (4-2): Embarrassing and pathetic back-to-back series wins.

Rays (3-3): Baseball games shouldn't be played in a spaceship.

Red Sox (3-3): Cool it, mutha-bleepers. It's been six mutha-bleepin' games.

Orioles (1-5): Mike Gonzalez may not have been the answer at closer.

Tigers (5-1): Miguel Cabrera off the booze is one helluva ballplayer.

Twins (5-2): Open-air baseball in Minneapolis begins tonight!

Indians (2-4): Kerry would have saved this game. Or would he have?

Royals (2-4): Somebody dropped a blue sock in KC's home whites. #tacky

White Sox (2-4): Twitter best ozzie second fewest AL runs burrito burrito burrito

Athletics (5-2): Lead the American League in runs scored. #unexpected

Rangers (3-3): That didn't take long, Frank Francisco.

Mariners (2-5): Unbeaten when Felix starts, winless when anyone else does.

Angels (2-5): MatsuiLand seeing more traffic than crosstown Mannywood.

Phillies (5-1): Halladay in senior circuit is like Pele in local P.A.L.

Marlins (4-2): Impressive rotation, bullpen less so.

Nationals (3-3): Wake me up when Strasburg arrives.

Braves (3-3): Welcome back, Tim Hudson. #javyvazquezwho?

Mets (2-4): Jason Bay not hurt, Francoeur has a gun. #babysteps

Cardinals (4-2): Most complete National League team.

Brewers (3-3): Miller Lite better than Bud Light for a night.

Pirates (3-3): Garrett Jones can sure run into a fastball, can't he?

Reds (3-3): Mike Leake and I still tied in minor league appearances.

Cubs (2-4): At least Milton Bradley's gone, right?

Astros (0-6): Runs scored, 13. Runs allowed, 37. Game time, 2:49!

Giants (5-1): I don't wanna get too technical, but Lincecum is nasty.

Diamondbacks (4-2): Thirteen-run inning equals Houston's entire offensive season.

Rockies (3-3): Rapril not as popular as Roctober.

Padres (2-4): A-Gon not gone yet.

Dodgers (2-4): Shoulda had a better pre-nup, Frank.

I think it's safe to say that the most surprising team the first week of this young season is Toronto. Nearly universally picked to finish dead last in the AL East, they won five of six games against Texas and Baltimore.

The A's, led by their young pitching and surprisingly potent offense, have also started quickly, dispatching of the revamped Mariners and the defending division champ Angels.

Both Los Angeles teams were quite disappointing with the Angels dropping five of seven and the Dodgers losing four of six.

The best-looking team has been Philadelphia, demolishing Washington and Houston en route to five wins in their first six games.

And Houston has been, quite obviously, the worst-looking club in the early going, being outscored by 24 runs in just six games.