Come to Think of it...Welcome to Your Bullpen Rich Harden

Pssst, Rich, over here.

Hey, who said that?

It's us, your bullpen. Come on over and have a seat. We have the best seeds you'll ever spit, and we have more fun over here than in the dugout with so much free time on our hands and no one to watch.

Well, OK, but just for a minute. I've got to impress my new manager and pitching coach, ya know.

Understood, young man.

You want me to go get Chad, too?

Oh, no, kid. This is between us.

Well, I've certainly heard some great things about you guys.

Uh...okay. Maybe you had better go get Chad. What have you heard?

Well, that Kerry Wood and now Carlos Marmol are All-Stars, for one thing. This Marmol dude, especially, is supposed to be unhittable. I'll never lose a game with these guys.

Oh, uh, yeah, about that, you had better sit down kid.

I told you, I have to get back to the dugout and...

Don't worry yourself so much...at his age, I'm sure Lou doesn't even know you're here yet. Hell, he's still looking for Stevie Ire every time he calls over here.

Well, all right, but with this 'pen, there shouldn't be much to talk about.

Young Richard, you are right about one thing. Kerry Wood and Carlos Marmol are All-Stars. But as impressive as Wood's transition to relief pitcher has been, his save percentage is under 80 percent. That's not considered real good. But I will say, overall, he'll probably be okay, unless he gets hurt.

Well, doesn't he already have that blister...

Nah, kid, I'm not talking about any stupid little blister. We're trying to keep him away from major shoulder or elbow problems. Injuries that have kept him off the field more than he's actually been on it over the years.

Hey, I know the feeling...

Yeah, I guess you do, don't you? And this other kid, Marmol...well let's just say there's this story called Jekyll & Hyde, where...

I've heard the story, you don't need to go into it.

Okay, okay. My, you young pitching studs are impatient. Anyway, the point is, as great as Marmol was for the first couple of months—and he was dominating—that's how awful he has been lately.

Tell you the truth, I wouldn't let him protect a run in my wife's stocking any more than I'd let him protect a one-run lead in a baseball game right now.

Really, but I thought...I mean, he's an All-Star and...

Yeah, kid, I know, I know. But Fukudome's an All-Star too, isn't he? You see, there are a lot of Cubs fans around the world my friend.

What else have you got for me?

Well, middle and long relief has not been stellar, though that shouldn't affect you too much. I assume if you stay healthy...

Hey, watch that!

Sorry, kid, just can't help being concerned after going through the Woody and Prior saga lo' these many years. And let's be honest, I've seen tomatoes less fragile than you.

Well, what about Bob Howry? I hear he's real good.

Oh, he has been, Rich, he has been over the past couple of seasons. One of Hendry's best pick-ups, in fact. But this year he's been bad. Better as of late, but still bad overall. Have you seen his ERA, kid?

Geez, no I haven't. Well, I must say, you've certainly depressed me, thanks a lot. You know I've got to start today, and with this being my first start with my new team and all, I need positive reinforcement, not negative energy.

Yeah, right, I know how you California kids are with your wheatgrass and your karma and everything. Have a great game kid.  If you do, the fans will love ya.

I'm planning on going out there, striking out 10, and pitching a shutout over five or six innings until I reach my pitch count. Hey, with our offense, that should be more than enough to get a win in my debut.

Uh, yeah, about that one, kid. You see...

Not now, I gotta go. Nice talking to you.

Yeah, OK, nice talking to you too, my friend. Nice talking to you. Hey guys, do you think I was too rough on the kid? Well, it's probably a good thing he had to go. I was just getting around to Bartman, the Billy Goat and...well you know. I'm sure he'll find out in due time. Why spoil his debut?