Educating Donovan McNabb Supporters: One Dope at a Time, Part 1

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Educating Donovan McNabb Supporters: One Dope at a Time, Part 1
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I can’t take it anymore.

If I hear one more Donovan McNabb supporter chirp, I might jerk the wheel into a tanker and let myself go up in a ball of flames. The only reason I would not do it is because my demise would resemble the career of McNabb, and I don’t want to be associated with one of the biggest choke artists to ever play in Philadelphia.

The crazy part about McNabb, is that he was an athlete I placed high atop the pedestal in the history of Philadelphia sports. He was up there with Mike Schmidt, Reggie White, and Charles Barkley.

But, no. The morons known as McNabbians completely ruined it for me.

They use the worst comparisons in the history of mankind, their logic is faulty, and they suffer from a debilitating case of selective memory.

This rant is going to be so long that I will usher it out in three parts, and I’m not going to save the best for last.

The Worst Comparisons in the History of Mankind

Do you know there are people who actually say McNabb should not be criticized for not winning a Super Bowl because players like Dan Marino, Dan Fouts, and Warren Moon never won the big game?

I kid you not. They actually say stuff like this.

These dopes actually want to compare McNabb’s situation to Marino, Fouts, and Moon. They whine and say, “So I guess they’re not good either because they never won?”

I really want to burry my head through a brick wall when I do this, but the thought of McNabb being compared to any three of these players is not the last thing I want running through my mind when body goes limp.

Deep breath.

Let’s begin with the notion that there are three ways to be a great quarterback in the NFL. You can either pile up stats to make your head spin, you can win a Super Bowl, or you can do both.

Let’s see then. Yep, Marino has a ton of stats, Fouts does too, and so does Moon. Check, check, and check.

Don’t believe me? Fine, you must be a McNabbian and can’t comprehend too well so let me spell it out for you.

Marino piled up 61,361 yards, 420 touchdowns, and 4,976 completions. Those numbers rank second , second , and second all-time. And He threw for 253.6 yards per game, which is third all-time.

Fouts tossed around the ol’ pigskin for 43,040 yards, 254 touchdowns, and 3,297 completions. They are not Marino-like numbers, but hey, whaddaya gonna do? Those numbers rank ninth , 12th , and 10th in the history of the game. We’ll ignore that he influenced the way the game was played, because that is not quantifiable. I would not want to confuse any of the McNabbians out there.

And finally there is Mr. Moon, who somehow trotted his sorry backside out there and threw for 49,325 yards, 291 touchdowns, and 3,988 completions.

Yawn.

Those numbers rank fifth , sixth , and fifth all-time.

Yeah, those guys stink, that’s what we were saying all along. Thanks for putting words into the mouths of people who use logic to arrive at an answer.

Meanwhile, McNabb has amassed 32,837 yards, 216 touchdowns, and 2,801 completions. By no means are they terrible numbers, but they pale in comparison to the three guys he is consistently compared to. This is the cause of my migraines and the creative ways to meet my maker.

His stats are 24th , 22nd , and 19th of all-time. They are not numbers that can easily be looked down on. Well, that is unless you want to compare them to Marino, Fouts, and Moon. Hey, I’m not the one doing the comparing here. These are three names that routinely roll off the collective tongues of McNabbians.

Yes, McNabb has time to build up his numbers, and maybe someday he will pass Fouts in touchdowns. And if the day comes that McNabb accumulates 40,000 passing yards, 250 touchdowns, and 3,500 completions we can give him a pass. But until then, just stop with the idiotic comparisons because they make no sense.

And while you’re at it, McNabbians, stop with the comparisons to John Elway before he won a Super Bowl. Countless times I am told that it took Elway 14 years before he finally won a Super Bowl.

This is the ultimate insult to my intelligence. When I hear this I immediately know you lack common sense.

Before we go down this road, do you really think this is a legitimate comparison? I mean, really? You can’t be serious with this.

Well, if you insist, let’s go for it.

McNabb has guided his team to five Conference Championships. That is, one, two, three, four, five. And he lost four. I know McNabbians are not good at math, but that means he only won once when a trip to the Super Bowl was on the line.

Elway, before he won two Super Bowls, took his team to the Conference Championship four times and only lost once. If you can’t comprehend that, then do me a favor: think of McNabb in Conference Championships, think of the complete opposite, and then bang, you have Elway.

But, yeah, I can totally see where you’re going with this one. Abso-frickin-lutley.

Yes, I know he lost three Super Bowls. But he lost to better teams. If you don’t think that matters, then you’re nuts. In my book McNabb gets a pass against the Rams in the NFC Championship and a slight pass against the Patriots in the Super Bowl because he was going up against the better team.

Where McNabb fails with flying colors is the fact that he lost three Conference Championship games as the favorite and two of those were at home.

What did Elway do? He won his first Conference Championship on the road, and did it as an underdog.

Has McNabb ever done that? No.

Is the McNabbian’s comparison to Elway dumb? Yes.

Why is it so dumb? I thought you’d never ask.

Elway routinely showed the ability to guide his team down the field late in fourth quarter, and with his team trailing, only to leave the opposition standing on the sideline saying, “We left too much time on the clock for him.”

Sorry that I forgot to bring this up immediately. But I thought this would be the final blow to a god-awful comparison thrown around by the blind loyalists.

I don’t need to talk about the number of come-from-behind wins by Elway, 34, sorry. I only need to talk about two separate incidents: One involved Elway on the road in a Conference Championship, and the second involved McNabb on the road in a Conference Championship.

You see, there is this thing called, “The Drive.” Google it, search for it on Wikipedia, check it out on Youtube, it is all over the place.

With his team trailing the Cleveland Browns 20-13, Elway found himself pinned on his own two-yard line with 5:23 remaining in the AFC Championship game.

Elway marched his team 46-yards in seven plays and there was 2:18 remaining in the game. Elway was sitting 52 yards away from paydirt and he had about two minutes to get the job done.

Eight plays later, Denver was in the end zone and they would eventually go on to win the game in overtime.

I left out some details about Elway never facing a fourth down and that he only threw three incomplete passes, but I think you get the picture.

In just his third season as the team’s full-time starting quarterback he orchestrated one of the greatest drives in NFL history. I’d say there was reason to believe in this guy. Dontcha think so too?

Hello? McNabbians? Where are you?

Ah yes, there you are. Curled up in the fetal position and left speechless. You’re not too good at connecting the dots, but I think you see where this thing is going.

In his ninth season as a full-time starter, McNabb was in a Conference Championship game, on the road, and his team trailed by a touchdown. As luck would have it, he found himself on his own 47-yard line with 2:09 remaining in the game.

Oh, the parallels to him and Elway are striking right now.

Elway was on his own 48 with 2:18 to go and clock tick, tick, tick, ticking, while McNabb was on his own 47 with 2:09 remaining and the clock stopped.

I’d say things are pretty even right here.

What does McNabb do? He goes incomplete, incomplete, incomplete, incomplete.

Thank you, and have a good night.

Elway had three incompletions in a 98-yard drive while McNabb had five in a drive that stalled after 28 yards. And did I mention he capped it off with four in a row to end the game?

If you were a blind loyalist that failed to see the idiocy of your comparisons I hope this opened up your eyes and allowed you to finally be honest with yourself. It is not too late to admit you were wrong. The healing process is almost done, but we still need to review your faulty logic, and selective memory.

See you next week.

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