The Boston Man Tears Sports Countdown, Five Through One (Humor)

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The Boston Man Tears Sports Countdown, Five Through One (Humor)

Man Tears \man teers\

- noun

 

1. The effect on human males during times of ultimate jubilation or extreme devastation. Usually associated with Boston sports teams (i.e. Bruins, Celtics, Patriots, and Red Sox).

 

Here is part deux of the Man Tears Countdown.

 

I hope you have your Man Kleenex ready because this going to be rough on the tear ducts.

 

I am Man Tearing up just thinking about it.

 

 

5. Red Sox Come Back To Beat Yankees In The ALCS (2004)

 

I didn’t shed any Man Tears when the Red Sox were down three games to none. This is expected to happen. The Sox are supposed to break our hearts and leave us dry of Man Eye Moisture.

 

This is what they do.

 

Just like the 2003 ALCS, they push the series to seven games just so Aaron “Bleepin” Boone could break our wills and dreams with one swing of his bat.

 

So I was mentally prepared for another let down, but I guess the Sox didn’t read that same old script.

 

Down in the ninth in Game Four against the best closer in baseball, the Sox tie it.

 

Then David Ortiz wins it in extras and does it again the next night.

 

Then Curt Schilling and his Bloody Sock dispatch the Yankees in Game Six.

 

One problem, I am going to be on a plane to Seattle for Game Seven!  Damn the Baseball gods!

 

After surviving certain death over the Rockies, I broke out my radio to try to catch any signal and get a score (hope the FAA is not reading this). Nothing!!

 

The pilot finally came on the speaker and said Sox up 8-1 in the sixth. The plane exploded in the good way, in cheers!

They better hold on until I land!

 

Before the rubber hit the landing strip, I called my mom and got an update.

 

Mom says “Sox are up 10-3 in the ninth with the Yankees up!”

 

I say, “Oh my god! Who is up?”

 

She says, “The skinny guy.”

 

I respond, “Can you be more specific please?”

 

“Ruben Sierra and he just grounded out! The Red Sox are going to the World Series!”

 

The whole plane was going out of their minds. My friends were blowing up my phone calling me from the mob scene in Copley Place.

 

I found a Yankees fan in the terminal in Seattle and said these immortal Man Tears words….

 

“We finally (expletive) got you!”

 

 

4.  Patriots Defeat Rams In Super Bowl XXXVI (2002)

 

I am a diehard Patriots fan and a season ticket holder since 1994. The second year, the savior Bill Parcells, was at the helm.

 

This season was like no other.

 

There was 9/11.

 

There was Drew Bledsoe getting injured on a scary sideline hit from the Jets’ Mo Lewis.

 

And there was the sixth round draft pick from Michigan, Tom Brady, who became a super star right in front of our eyes.

 

He led the Patriots to the Super Bowl against the heavily favored “Greatest Show On Turf."

 

Did anyone think they could win? Probably not.

 

But as ESPN’s Chris Berman has said, “That’s why they play the games.”

 

The Patriots came out as a team and played that way.

 

I was at a Boston drinking establishment watching the game. The atmosphere was electric.

 

People were drinking, put wagers down for charity (wink), and rooting on the Pats.

 

The game was going back and forth until the Rams tied the game at 17 late in the game. All Boston sports fans, me included, said in unison, “Here we go again!”

 

I made sure I had napkins or the tablecloth handy to mop up my ocean of Man Tears.

 

I was also on the verge of winning some money for charity. Someone said, “If the game goes in OT you win $500!”

 

I retorted, “(Expletive) the money, I want a championship!”

 

Tom Brady and Adam Vinatieri must have heard about the sacrifice I was about to make for the good of the team.

 

Brady led the team to field goal range and Adam converted his kick as time expired.

 

My eyes became misty with Hombre Precipitation because my football team just won the (expletive) Super Bowl.

 

 

3. The Red Sox Lose The World Series To The Mets (1986)

 

I was only 13 at the time when the Red Sox went to the World Series. I was just entering the world of puberty and along with it the maturation of Man Tears.

 

I loved the Sox. I adored them since I was small. I watched EVERY GAME.

 

Then everything changed during October of 1986.  My beloved Red Sox came from the dead to beat the then California Angels. They were going to win the World Series for me and all of New England!

 

I guess the Bambino liked the Mets, too.

 

The Red Sox were up three games to two with the lead in Game Six. They were one strike away and blew it.

 

Buckner was not the only one to blame. Stanley threw the wild pitch to Mookie Wilson and Calvin Schiraldi couldn’t get out of his own way.

 

I can still hear Vin Scully’s call, “….And the Mets win it!”

 

The Sox couldn’t hold on in Game Seven, either. They had a 3-0 lead going into the sixth but their fate was already sealed.

 

Defeat from the jaws of victory.

 

My love the Sox died that night. My Die Hard Man Tears for the Sox were exhausted that night.

 

I can still see Wade Boggs Man Tears engulf his face on the bench after the loss.

 

I grew to accept that they were going to let me down and didn’t want to feel that hurt again.

 

Ever since then, I follow the Sox but my life goes on if they lose.

 

2. The Patriots Lose Super Bowl XLII Versus The NY Giants (2008)

 

The Patriots were in the midst of a historic season and all Patriots fans were cocky as hell.

 

There was no way the Patriots were going to lose to Eli Manning and the Giants.

 

How could they?

 

The Patriots had the best single season performance from a quarterback and wide receiver in NFL History.

 

They scored the most points the history of the league.

 

They were the only team to ever go 16-0 in a regular season.

 

New England was on the cusp of shutting up Mercury Morris forever!

 

I was at my girlfriend’s house for the game.  She is from the Philippines and most of her friends are grad students from foreign lands.

 

So to say that I was the only crazed Pats watching the game is not a stretch. However, a couple of the people were Giants fans.

 

Game on!

 

The Giants were blitzing and battering the Patriots. They were holding their own against the Invincible Pats.

 

The pit in my stomach grew like a sink hole. I didn’t like how the game was going.

 

Brady would connect with Moss to put New England up 14-10 with 2:42 left on the game clock.

 

One person at the party said, “Game Over. Looks like the Pats are going to win it.”

 

I responded, “There is a lot of time left.”

 

I felt I was back in 2002 watching Brady march down the field against the almighty Rams.  I felt helpless like the Rams fans must have felt that day.

 

Manning scrambles and does his best Houdini. He connects with David Tyree for one of the most incredible catches ever.

 

My heart was racing at one million beats per second and my heartburn was flowing like lava in my esophagus.

 

Then it happened. Plaxico Burress hauled in the game winner with 35 seconds left.

 

The Pats had a few shots down the field, but no magic this night.

 

History was made by the Giants, not the Patriots.

 

My Man Tears evaporated from the acidic heartburn of defeat. 

 

They were so close to history, but fell short.

 

And Mercury Morris was (expletive) laughing.

 

 

 

1. The Red Sox Win Their First Championship in 86 Years (2004)

 

Boston’s win over the Yankees in the ALCS pretty much felt like the World Series. The games versus National League Champion St. Louis was purely an afterthought.

 

The Red Sox were the rhino and the Cardinals the fly, it was no contest. The Boston pitching of Schilling, Pedro, and Derek Lowe crippled the St. Louis offense.

 

It was all academic.

 

 Finally, it wasn’t if the Red Sox would be world champions, it was when.

 

My friend from Atlanta, who grew up in Tewksbury, MA, flew up for the game. This was going to be history and not being in Boston to witness it would be an injustice.

 

We set up at the Grand Canal Bar at 4pm and got prime spots in front of the plasma TV’s. My other friends joined me as well, so we could all share in this historic moment together. This is something we could tell our kids about. “We witnessed a World Series championship in Boston.”

 

Too many generations couldn’t say that.

 

The Sox would open a 3-0 lead thanks to the bats of Johnny Damon and Trot Nixon. Derek Lowe couldn’t be touched by the Cardinals bats.

 

The countdown was on. The crowd was in frenzy.

 

But all I could think about is 1986. How the team I loved broke my young heart and introduced me to Man Tears of pure pain.

 

Not on this night.

 

Kevin Foulke came in and put the Cardinals down in order. Edgar Rentería , who ironically was wearing the Bambino’s #3, grounded out to Foulke.

 

The flip to first and let the celebration begin.

 

The bar was in pandemonium around me.

 

My head was on the bar and my hands were over my eyes. My friends asked if I was okay.

 

The little 10 year-old-boy who loved Yaz and cried when he retired was with me that night.

 

The teenager who saw the Red Sox lose to Mets was also present.

 

I cried Man Tears of Jubilation for all of us.

 

They did it. They finally did it.

 

I hope you enjoyed my Man Tears countdown. Please share your moments with me as well because we are all part of Man Tear Nation and there ain't a damn thing wrong with it!

 

Top 10 Man Tears Moments in Boston Sports 10-6

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