Arsenal Out of Bullets / Thrown in The Sh*tter by Messi

As an Arsenal fan, it was quite disheartening to see someone the same size and stature as Walcott, rip apart an entire team while Walcott was picking up posies and delighting in sing-songs with his parents watching in the stands. Chris Waddle, please don't knock Walcott's footballing brain. It was simply the horrible weather of Spain and a little voice in his head nagging him to be the next Thierry Henry and to become Arsenal's leading goal-scorer of all time. Personally, I think Walcott should change his number to 53. If that's not taken already by some other amazing youth player in the reserve team. I'm sure Bendtner would like his goal-scoring to skyrocket and has already put in an order for squad number 104. 

Wenger, is back to the drawing board as usual. Pat Rice's ears have probably been blown out of his skull, by a musty French accent yelling still resonating between each eardrum saying 'Vat is he doo-ing?'. Bendtner, should be cursing himself for missing an 'offside' sitter with his gigantic ego-filled head of his but should be congratulated on his solid half-ass performance in front of goal.

Walcott, should be commended for the brilliant pass once again in the Champs League but should be asked where he disappeared to after that. Silvestre, should not have kicked a single ball for Arsenal, seeing as he was an ex-Utd player and might be deliberately sent by Fergy to defecate on the always-rock-solid Arsenal back four. Rosicky, forgot he owned a pair of legs and forgot he was wearing the sacred number 7 jersey which belonged to Bobby Pires. Clichy and Sagna, once again perhaps need a few more lessons in defending and must learn to kick people hard enough so they don't stand up again.

To sum up the game in a few sentences, I would say a team of delinquents and men were mixed up in a barrel, shaken up, and were shot into the Nou Camp to fight the hideous monster named Barca-lonar composed of 11 elite footballing demons and some average joes on the bench. Arsenal also caught a glimpse of a fellow teammate once so dear to them, and did their best to impress him and show him the brilliant teamwork that Le God missed out on.

But back to the bloodsport. Guardiola's men acted accordingly to plan and scooped up the fledglings, kicked the football at them hard enough to break the kneecaps of Mikael Silvestre, toppling him over. Pep then ordered the scratching of Almunia in the face by the billion-dollar goal-crazed toenails of Lionel Messi, leaving the keeper bleeding from the eyes. Arsenal sorely blinded, and very ass-kicked could not recover in time while Messi proceeded to nutmeg and chip the sh*t out of Almunia, convincing Wenger that Messi is not a human being but a 'Playstation'.

Guardiola rejects the term 'Playstation' and like what he has done with the pre-Guardiola team (absolutely nothing at all), ponders a second and transforms the regular Wenger term 'Playstation' into another Champions-league-winner. Pep rebukes Wenger's claims and refers to Messi simply not just a 'Playstation' but a 'Playstation Three or Four'. Messi in fact, like Neo in the Matrix Revolutions, has a wireless connection in his head, allowing him to be controlled by PS3 SixAxis™, thousands of miles away by Maradona's 10 year old niece from the comfort of a Hand-of-God bought mansion. Video game nerds everywhere are also abuzz due to Guardiola's surprise confession of his knowledge of Playstation 4.

But however, for me to rant and rave about the tactical misbehavings of Arsenal against the monstrous Barcelona is also juvenile due to my failings as a un-professional soccer player. But I can offer a truly unbiased fan's opinion. From someone who has stuck with Arsenal through thick and thin.

Through the red and yellow cards awarded to the forever foreign squad of the Gunners, and the leavings of Henry, in the opposing team's goalmouth in better times and Henry leaving the Arsenal in dreadful times. Through the ages of expressive anger suffered by Lehmann at the other English teams for not respecting his rights as a goalie, and for the anger of the supporters who felt that they were not respected by him p*ssing behind his goal during a Champs league match in post-Arsenal days.

After watching the catastrophic yet slightly expected loss, I consoled myself by turning on the youtube and searched the terms "Arsenal Invincibles 2003". I placed both the highlights of the Barcelona mauling and the delightful compilation of all 49 games unbeaten side by side.

From this, I noticed some stark differences. 

1. Arsenal have lost the brain for the offside trap, judging by that 2nd goal that the referee beautifully gifted Barcelona or it was a sh*t call as usual against the Arsenal.

2. The gunners have simply lost their cool calm composure in front of goal, and have instead replaced it with a frantic goal mouth frenzy. Also, no natural strikers are available for selection on the pitch or on the bench or anywhere in the small , tiny proximity that is the Emirates Stadium, Arsenal training ground, but for some reason exist in a billion other teams in the world.

3. In the 2003-2004 season, none of Arsenal's youth team members made it into the first team. Such was the quality of the side, that they now all deservedly play for respective premier league/ championship/ Qatar league teams (Quincy Owusu Abeyie) but did not make it into the starting eleven. Hopefully, Wenger has not unlocked a generation of Jeffers, Pennants, and Alliadieres. Hleb and Flamini also go in the box of bad eggs too.

4. But in the 2009- 2010 season, the entire youth team are banging on the doors in the changing room to let them in and play and have become a worthy strike force enough to rival the likes of Man Utd and Chelski.

5. But where the f*ck is the defence? Please Wenger, no more old sign-for-free bastards in the team anymore. Can Wenger not send spies to Chelsea and Man Utd to find out what magical defensive tactics they utilize? Why can't Arsenal steal them while they can still play? 

6. Where's Henry's replacement? We don't want an injured-all-the-time Dutch Henry, we want a score-hat-tricks-all-the-time striker.

7. Goddamn it Wenger, bring us back a trophy please. We don't want Fab Fabregas to leave or anyone else to go because we don't have a very big squad to shoulder all of this pain and anguish from subsequent injuries yet. Release a press report or two about who you have already signed for next season Wenger so Arshavin will stop complaining. 

Please buy a couple of misfits to turn into world-class strikers again but don't let them leave. Also, to balance them out, a few stable utility players. Some men who are willing to kick the crap out of the other team to keep Wengerball alive. Some Edus, Parlours, and Gilbertos. It also wouldn't hurt to sneak a protein shake or two into the Arsenal half-time teas if we're under a tight budget again and if our 'boys' want to challenge for the title. Let Fabregas become as muscled as a squirrel and Denilson's legs become like Brazilian tree trunks. Bestow upon Arshavin biceps that are Russian oil field workhorse worthy. Insert steel plates into the thighs and calves of Van Persie and Rosicky to render them unbreakable. Also, change Rosicky's last name to Ro-dribbly. Let the word sick no longer pervade his jersey anymore.

Please Mr Wenger. Just one trophy this year. It's not much to ask for. Especially for a team, that 'precedes the Invincibles'. We know you don't lie to us. After all, it's in Arsene we trust. Screw the other teams that doubt us. They don't know you like we know you Arsene. You've kept us out of financial debt, you want us to see exquisite, impressive football, you've signed some of the greatest players the EPL has ever seen, I hope you don't get replaced because you are Mr Arsenal. And the ever looming threat of Usmanov owning everything scares the Arsenal fans. 

Wenger knows best.