Oh Yeah, That's Why Our Reds are Losers: Dusty Baker
I've had a while to simmer down.
Please congratulate me if I can somehow manage my way through this piece without jumping into one of Rahm Emanuel's profanity-laced tirades.
Dusty Baker is the sole reason why our Reds are losers.
The talent is there, perhaps not enough to make the playoffs this season—but enough to look respectable while trying.
This is what needs to be done:
Reds' owner Bob Castellini and General Manager Walt Jocketty need to have a friendly sit down with Mr. Baker. Without mincing words he needs to be told, "Dusty, if our team does not have eight wins by game 15, you will be fired."
Professional, simple, just one fact.
If I were to sit him down it would not be nearly as professional:
"You are fired!
"What the f...crud are you thinking? Oh, look at me, I'm such a renaissance man.
"Fu...Frick you! You're a God D...Gosh dern baseball manager!
"If you ever fill out another line-up card that does not have Drew Stubbs in the line-up I will personally hop on my bicycle, ride to Cincy, and kick your butt. In fact, if I ever see Chris Dickerson, your fair-haired boy , in center again—I will eat your children before I make you wish you had never been born.
"Tell me Dusty, does Dickerson give good h...car washes or something? Same with Aaron Harang and Mike Lincoln!
"If Harang starts another game not as a spot starter—have you seen Reservoir Dogs ? Oh, that's right, you're a renaissance man...Quentin Tarantino is beneath you.
"Three words: Razor, removal, ear.
"Do you f...hecking get it now?
My sit down with Walt Jocketty and Bob Castellini would be more professional:
"Fire Dusty...NOW! He is wretched field manager.
"Listen up. What?
"No, I don't want the manager's job. You think I want people writing articles like this about me?
"A few tweaks with our team are needed.
"You both know that Stubbs needs to be in the line-up...That's obvious, well, to everyone besides our manager!
"After canning Dusty, do something with Mike Lincoln. Send him down, release him, whatever...just get rid of him.
"Call up Aroldis Chapman. What's with the wait? Oh yeah, culture shock, getting used to being in a non-Communist country.
"Honestly gentleman, with all due respect, that sounds like a Dusty excuse if I have ever heard one. What? He's already in the country, and he's already on the payroll?
"Be careful with him. Very careful. The kid has a golden arm, and we need a lefty on the staff.
"Aaron Harang is no longer a viable option as anything more than a spot starter and mop-up reliever. He can give us innings out of the pen. In fact, if possible, save him for the Chapman starts and try and get a couple out of him before hitting the back end of the pen.
"Next order of business, Juan Francisco needs to be in the line-up. Maybe not against lefties, but we need him in there versus all right-handed pitching. The guy can hit anything, anywhere in or out of the zone. He's a left-handed Vladimir Guerrero, 12-years younger.
"Play him in left. I don't care if he makes Manny look like Yaz—his bat will produce more runs than his glove gives up.
"Again, no I don't want the manager job. But thanks for the offer; it is quite flattering.
"Gentleman, thank you for listening. I thank you for your time. Most importantly, please take my advice. If my...whoops, sorry Mr. Castellini, our team does not at least finish over .500, I will personally apologize at a press conference held in the stadium.
"Again, thank you for listening. I have a long bike ride back to West Virginia."
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