2010 MLB Team Predictions (They're Not What You Think)

Gene ZarnickCorrespondent IApril 2, 2010


Baseball is finally back!  For the 25% of us out there it's a big deal, for the rest of you, you may not care so much.  I want to make you care.  There will be plenty of drama throughout the 162 game season that will get people interested.  I want to get you ready for it now. That is why I bring to you my 2010 MLB Team Predictions.  Favre Dollar Footlongs style.

The predictions:

Arizona Diamondbacks - John McCain will be selected to throw out the fist pitch on opening day, but because he can't lift his arms over his head, McCain will comment that the ball will probably sail far right.  To no one's surprise it's right down the middle of the plate.

Atlanta Braves - Bobby Cox, being the senile manager that he is, will get ejected during the first inning of the last game of the season.  Because he doesn't want to retire on that note, he will come back, telling everyone he didn't remember saying he'd retire.  We will also find out that Jason Heyward is actually Barry Bonds after many plastic surgeries.

Baltimore Orioles - The Orioles will finish as one of the bottom tier teams in the AL East again, which will make them push for realignment.  After a surprising move by Bud Selig, the Orioles and Nationals will be sequestered to their own division to establish a nearby rivalry that will battle it out for last place of the league.

Boston Red Sox - Newly acquired pitcher, John Lackey, will find out his beautiful wife Krista Lackey was having affairs with many kept men.  Unlike Tiger Woods, people will forgive her immediately.  Not because she's a woman, but because John Lackey is so ugly.

Chicago Cubs - The Cubs got rid of team cancer Milton Bradley to hopefully form cohesiveness.  After two months and not having a winning record, Ted Lilly will fill Milton's role and start berating Lou Piniella publicly.  Quote from Ted Lilly, "Ted do what Ted do and don't do what Lou do."

Chicago White Sox - Ozzie Guillen's Twitter experience will take a wild turn after he is thrown out the for tweeting expletives to the umpires Twitter accounts in between innings. To get back at them he will take TwitPic's of them in the shower and broadcast for all to see.  He will then be fired because of this.

Cincinnati Reds - To try and bring back some of the glory days in Cincinnati, Jay Bruce will fashion Chris Sabo glasses throughout the season.  After seeing Bruce have early success, Scott Rolen will try to bring back some past magic by sporting a Marge Schott mustache.

Cleveland Indians - To try and reverse the trend, the Indians will trade for Cy Young winners instead of shipping them out.  Unfortunately for fans in Cleveland the Cy Young players they obtain will be Barry Zito and Eric Gagne in the bullpen, Orel Hershiser and Rick Sutcliffe in the broadcast booth, and Doc Gooden's drug habit. 

Colorado Rockies - Todd Helton and Jason Giambi will have one the biggest position battles we've ever seen in a clubhouse.  Not for who starts first base, but for who has the best facial hair on the team.

Detroit Tigers - After clubhouse favorite Johnny Damon joins the team, Miguel Cabrera will give up his sobreity plege and start drinking again.  Jim Leyland will start smoking in the dugout again and Justin Verlander will go back to being a good pitcher.

Florida Marlins - After complaining last year about not being able to wear jewlery on the field, Hanley Ramirez will complain this year about not being able to wear an iPod.  Ownership will give in to his demands, but since they can't understand what he's saying they will buy him an iPad necklace to wear around his neck.

Houston Astros - Opposing Braves player Jason Heyward will hit a bomb that will damage the train tracks at Minute Maid Park.  Not knowing the train will attempt to go around the stadium on the next Astros homerun causing the train to plummet out of the stadium and the game postponed.  Fans will start asking the question with the nursery rhyme, "If the train goes off the track, do I get my money back?"

Kansas City Royals - Royals center fielder Rick Ankiel will return to form and start heaving wild throws from the outfield.  This time the balls will fly backwards over the wall into the fountains causing fans to injure themselves while they dive into the H2O geysers.

Los Angeles Angels - After hearing about Hideki Matsui's massive porn collection, Torii Hunter will take Matsui to the Voyeur Club.  After Hideki's first introduction there, his wife nor any of us will ever hear from him again.

Los Angeles Dodgers - During the all star break, hysteria will ensure after Matt Kemp Chris Brown's his girlfriend Rhianna.  When asked about the incident Manny Ramirez replies, "It's just Matty being Matty."

Milwaukee Brewers - Prince Fielder will finally reconcile all of his differences with his father Cecil.  A week later the break up will start again after Cecil ends up taking the last piece of pizza from the box.

Minnesota Twins - Joe Mauer will try to buy himself a personality with his $184 million contract.  After failing to do so he decides to do the next best thing and just buys himself a bunch of friends.

New York Mets - To help Carlos Beltran continue his knee recovery, David Wright offers to put Beltran on his off season workout that consists of blood, sweat, and a whole lot of HGH.  Jason Bay still won't be sure why he ever came to the Mets. 

New York Yankees - After having the perfect team chemistry last year, newly acquired Curtis Granderson will get into a dispute with Nick Swisher over who the best clubhouse person is causing an uproar throughout.  Alex Rodriguez will step in between the two to separate them.  Not to break up the fight, but to get to the mirror so he can make kiss poses to himself.

Oakland Athletics - After analyzing the LIPS, DIPS, PERA, and VORP, Billy Beane will fire all of the Athletics players.  Through sabermetrics who will learn that having 14 year olds is a much better statistical solution and will build a squad of all prepubescent teenagers.

Philadelphia Phillies - Philadelphia will continuously try to trade Ryan Howard for Albert Pujols to no avail.  After throwing in his free unlimited pass to Subway the trade is agreed upon.  When asked why he made the trade now LaRussa replies, "Subway is great drunk food."

Pittsburgh Pirates - The Pittsburgh Pirates will not only go .500, but also make the playoffs this year.  Andrew McCutchen will be traded immediately upon the commence of the season for two prospect pitchers and an 18th round draft pick.  Pirates will go on another 17 year playoff hiatus.

San Diego Padres - The Padres will continue with their fashion faux pas camoflauge jerseys.  The disgust from all Americans will cause the military to change from fatigues to actual Padres jerseys.

San Francisco Giants - Tim Lincecum will be found late at night taking slide rides through the massive Coca Cola bottle.  They will find out he was just stoned and wanted to live out his Honey I Shrunk the Kidsfantasy.

Seattle Mariners - Milton Bradley will claim that God hates him and that's the only reason why it's raining every day now that he moved to Seattle.  He is correct about one part of that sentence.

St. Louis Cardinals - In a weird twist of fate, Mark McGwire will return to first base, Albert Pujols will get a DUI, and Tony LaRussa will be caught taking steroids.  After the Cardinals fail to make the playoffs Tony will comment, "I'm not here to talk about the past."

Tampa Bay Rays - The Rays will be in first place throughout the whole season and fans still won't show up.  Dick Vitale will claim it's an Outrage with a capital O and start talking about a fundraising campaign on every interview he does to try and get the non-Ray fans out of Tampa Bay.

Texas Rangers - Josh Hamilton and Ron Washington will both write tell all books that hit the New York Times bestseller.  Both biopics will be the same, discussing the great times the two had snorting lines together.

Toronto Blue Jays - The Blue Jays will end up with the worst record in the entire major leagues.  Since MLB has a rule that each organization must have a representative at the all star game, the Blue Jays will send their all star ball boy and give him his moment to shine.

Washington Nationals - The city of Washington D.C. will end up taxing all contributing citizens to enforce a free ticket admission policy to every Nationals game.  Free admissions won't go into effect for four years and you can't opt out if you don't plan on attending any games. After a public outcry and a clear disapproval of the bill the city still pushes it through.