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Study: Wearing Cycling Shoes in Cafés Linked To Posture Disorder (satire)

Le Lanterne RougeContributor INovember 20, 2016

In a recent study concluded by the Cycling-Related Ailment Panel (CRAP), researchers found evidence pairing frequent stops at coffee shops to increased incidence of acute posture disorder among the ranks of road cyclists.

Additionally, rates of abdominal distension cases were elevated as well, both afflictions frequently occurring in the same subject.

Dr. Horst Grubner, Research Lead of CRAP, explains the findings.

"Roadies clomp about cafés in their cleats never realizing the effects the odd gate is having on their posture as they load up on bagels, muffins, and coffee. Little do they know that the unusual angle created by the cleat when they walk is slowly turning them into spandex-clad Quasimodos."

"But spinal alignment isn’t all these cycling respites are affecting," Grubner continues.

"On top of hunching, we found a direct correlation between frequent café visits and elevated rates of abdominal distension cases, though (Prof. Julius) Hornblatt would have you believe it’s just from them eating too much. Pfft. What a quack. He should just go back to breeding crop seeds already and leave real research to the big kids."

Various cycling clubs from around the country were chosen as subjects of the three-year study observing nearly four hundred recreational and competitive cyclists. Over the period, participants logged a total of 187,313 stops for coffee and spent over $1.8 million at cafés.

"Starbucks doesn’t want this study getting out for fear of lost revenues," Grubner complains. "Panera, Noah’s, and others are also trying to stall the release of our findings. If you extrapolate to the broader cycling community, losses could be in the billions."

Those that want to squelch the study have CRAP in their cross hairs.

"This morning, when I entered the lab, someone had broken my favorite mug and scrawled 'Silencio!' on the autoclave with a coffee bean. It was clearly the work of the Italian cappuccino collective."

Grubner is undeterred.

"Their message was clear, but I will not be silenced.

"It is my solemn duty to let the cycling public know the ugly truth. Though you could probably argue that the posture degradation and developing belly paunch has just as much to do with the aging process of the subjects over the course of the study. I mean, it’s been three years.

"I’m sure I walk a little differently and have loosened my belt a notch or two."

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