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It's summer time, which means only one thing—no football, but plenty of baseball, some Olympics to keep us busy, and time to start thinking about our fantasy football lineups...

The Testicle Festival: An Alternative to the Olympics

by Lisa Horne [HUMOR]

18

3634 reads

Humor

July 12, 2008


It's summer time, which means only one thing—no football, but plenty of baseball, some Olympics to keep us busy, and time to start thinking about our fantasy football lineups.

But it's also time to make your last-minute vacation plans for the summer. After careful and diligent research, Lisa Horne has found the definitive place to spend some quality time in the great outdoors, while tasting some truly eclectic food.

Mark your calendars, folks.

Have a ball!

July 30-Aug. 3 marks the 26th annual Testicle Festival in Rock Creek, Montana. The Rock Creek Lodge, just outside of Clinton, Montana, is home of the original "sac" lunch.

Some say testicles look and taste like chicken, but those veins are a dead giveaway, aren't they?

It's a fun event and everybody over the age of 21 is welcome to the Testy Festy. Bring your cameras; no one will believe you ate a Rocky Mountain Oyster.

The event even has their own shuttle—in case you get too hammered to drive—and believe me, there's a lot of drinking going on to wash down those huevos. Yes, you can get nuts here.

People actually eat this stuff, and they do it with reckless abandon. The testicles are peeled, marinated in beer, breaded four times, deep fried, and only USDA approved testicles are used.

Now here's a dumb question, but just how exactly does the USDA inspect these things? Before or after the snip? What are they looking for, and more importantly, how can they tell good balls from bad balls?

But back to the Festival.
Miller Lite sponsors some adult entertainment, and without going into details, if you are a girl who likes to collect bead necklaces, well, Rock Creek Lodge is the place for you. There's "No Panty Wednesday Night", always a hit with the biker crowd—trade your panties for a free drink. There's also pig wrestling, oil wrestling, a bull-chip throwing contest, and the sometimes impromptu, but seemingly every-hour-on-the-hour, wet tee contest.
Coincidentally, there are usually no tees worn in the contest, but there's always plenty of cold water. You know how hot it gets in Montana during the summer. This is also why you need to leave the kidlets at home. But back to the point of all this debauchery—great balls on fire. 
This annual Nut Fry keeps getting bigger and bigger, and we aren't talking the cream and clear here. 
Last year, a film crew from Australia showed up and were actually a little stunned to see their wimpy American mates taking huge bites out of what looked like a McSac sandwich (deep fried balls with tartar sauce).
Now, I haven't checked, but I am sure tequila is a best seller at this party. A shot of courage takes on a whole new meaning with a sac floating around in it, doesn't it? Suddenly, drinking a dead worm seems pretty tame, in fact.
The Rock Creek Lodge serves over two tons of bull testicles to 15,000 brave souls at its ann
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18 comments Last one added 10 months ago — Leave a Comment

  1. Paul Peszko 11 months ago

    Very funny, Lisa. Just made my day. Where did you dig this one up?

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    • Lisa Horne 11 months ago

      Paul-

      I read about it a few years ago, and every year do a piece on it. It has a website, but the pix on there on XX rated, fyi.

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  2. Michael Shibley 11 months ago

    Nicely done Lisa. I didn't think there could be that many testicle and sport puns put into one column. Very Funny!

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  3. Jeff Little 11 months ago

    Lisa,

    I agree with Michael & Paul the story was nicely done and very funny. There is a restaurant called Buckhorn Exchange in Denver, Colorado that specializes in Rocky Mountain Oysters. It is said to be Denver's original steakhouse and oldest restaurant but I wouldn't fall for others from that area that I know suggesting that I try them. When friends took my there, I wasn't buying it but I did have a serious 24-oz Porterhouse steak.

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    • Lisa Horne 11 months ago

      I'm with you...I like to experiment with food, but I stop at anything that dangles. A 24 oz steak? OMG...I can't eat more than 6oz (and that's if I'm truly starving) ...and I love steak!

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    • Jeff Little 11 months ago

      Lisa,

      I'll come clean in regards to the steak. Went to Denver to visit a lifelong friend and catch a Raiders game, arrived on a wednesday and it took two days to crush it.

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  4. Adam Lindemer 11 months ago

    Absolutely hilarious, and well done Lisa!

    They also serve 'Fowl/Foul Balls' at Coors Field; turkey testicles, along with the 'oysters'. In one of my classes back at college I wrote an article about all the weird food served around the baseball world. When talking about Coors, I used, "Usually that many balls gets a guy a free pass to first base and not a full stomach." Way too many play on words to choose from.

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  5. Justin Goar 11 months ago

    a very ballsy article, good job!!!

    but i don't think i would make this trip. i'm a little squeamish in the testicle slicing, dicing,m and frying dept.

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  6. Alan Bass 11 months ago

    aw man this is disgusting, and absolutely hilarious

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    • Lisa Horne 11 months ago

      It's such a fine balance...they took out the pix because they can't support pix in content, so that should help make it less disgusting! Thanks!

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  7. Jimbo 11 months ago

    I was really glad to discover that I am not the only one who hosts a yearly testy-festy, except at my house it's called "Jim's Birthday". I did take issue with the following sentence, though:

    "The testicles are peeled, marinated in beer, breaded four times then deep fried, and only USDA approved testicles are used."

    I believe that part was plagiarized from the vasectomy article I did last week.

    Anyway, very funny (and nauseating) article. Great job, Lisa!

    And Go Nads!

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  8. John F 11 months ago

    I used to live in Montana and went to the Testicle Festival one summer. It was one of the most kick-ass parties I have ever been to. Crazy naked biker ladies, great butt-rock cover bands, cheap drinks and cheaper chicks. I have had "rocky-mountain oysters" before, but I don't think I had them that weekend. The only problem with the festival is that everyone of your Montana sterotypes is proven correct that weekend.

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    • Lisa Horne 11 months ago

      Ha! I knew someone had been to this. It gets crazy there....haven't been, not sure I want to. But if I were a single guy...it might be fun going with a bunch of pals. :) Montana men are stereo-typed?

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  9. L.J. Burgess 10 months ago

    Priceless.

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