The Testicle Festival: An Alternative to the Olympics

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The Testicle Festival: An Alternative to the Olympics

It's summer time, which means only one thing—no football, but plenty of baseball, some Olympics to keep us busy, and time to start thinking about our fantasy football lineups.

But it's also time to make your last-minute vacation plans for the summer. After careful and diligent research, Lisa Horne has found the definitive place to spend some quality time in the great outdoors, while tasting some truly eclectic food.

Mark your calendars, folks.

Have a ball!

July 30-Aug. 3 marks the 26th annual Testicle Festival in Rock Creek, Montana. The Rock Creek Lodge, just outside of Clinton, Montana, is home of the original "sac" lunch.

Some say testicles look and taste like chicken, but those veins are a dead giveaway, aren't they?

It's a fun event and everybody over the age of 21 is welcome to the Testy Festy. Bring your cameras; no one will believe you ate a Rocky Mountain Oyster.

The event even has their own shuttle—in case you get too hammered to drive—and believe me, there's a lot of drinking going on to wash down those huevos. Yes, you can get nuts here.

People actually eat this stuff, and they do it with reckless abandon. The testicles are peeled, marinated in beer, breaded four times, deep fried, and only USDA approved testicles are used.

Now here's a dumb question, but just how exactly does the USDA inspect these things? Before or after the snip? What are they looking for, and more importantly, how can they tell good balls from bad balls?

But back to the Festival.
Miller Lite sponsors some adult entertainment, and without going into details, if you are a girl who likes to collect bead necklaces, well, Rock Creek Lodge is the place for you. There's "No Panty Wednesday Night", always a hit with the biker crowd—trade your panties for a free drink. There's also pig wrestling, oil wrestling, a bull-chip throwing contest, and the sometimes impromptu, but seemingly every-hour-on-the-hour, wet tee contest.
Coincidentally, there are usually no tees worn in the contest, but there's always plenty of cold water. You know how hot it gets in Montana during the summer. This is also why you need to leave the kidlets at home. But back to the point of all this debauchery—great balls on fire. 
This annual Nut Fry keeps getting bigger and bigger, and we aren't talking the cream and clear here. 
Last year, a film crew from Australia showed up and were actually a little stunned to see their wimpy American mates taking huge bites out of what looked like a McSac sandwich (deep fried balls with tartar sauce).
Now, I haven't checked, but I am sure tequila is a best seller at this party. A shot of courage takes on a whole new meaning with a sac floating around in it, doesn't it? Suddenly, drinking a dead worm seems pretty tame, in fact.
The Rock Creek Lodge serves over two tons of bull testicles to 15,000 brave souls at its annual five-day event. It's a ball for any man or woman who wants to experience good cooking, lots of drinking, naked girls, and the sport of bull-chip throwing. It's Americana at its best. 
Too bad the Canadians have already ruined this gourmet dish with their own Testicle Festival's offerings. 
What's with the biscuit and garnish?
Isn't anything sacred?
If you can't make it to Montana for the summer, you can always go to Coors Field to take in a Rockies game, and after a few cold ones, check out the concession stand behind section 153. Rocky Mountain Oysters are sold here. These yummies are calf testicles, boiled, peeled, coated with flour, and pan fried, according to buyselltix.com. 
No more testicle jokes, and no more pictures. I can't take it anymore. I'm going nuts. Happy vacation plans.
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