With a .218 batting average this season, Seattle Mariners first baseman Richie Sexson is looking to spice up his season a little bit. Sexson has made an oral agreement with legendary broadcaster Al Michaels, to replay his infamous "do you believe in miracles" call for every time he gets a base hit for the remainder of the season, including any singles and doubles, and home runs if applicable.
Says Michaels, "If there's anything I can do to help out a player who is doing anything to get a base hit, anything to avoid being the next Mario Mendoza, I'll be more than willing to help out. I never actually looked at any of the Mariners statistics, considering they are the worst team since maybe the 2003 Tigers or 1962 Mets, but I trust that Sexson is a big reason for why the Mariners are really stinking it up. To tell you the truth if you asked me to name any other player on the Mariners roster, I would say maybe Harold Reynolds and that's it. Well maybe Reynolds retired, I don't really keep up with these things."
In accordance with the agreement, the Mariners radio and TV broadcasting team will play a cassette tape with the original call by Michaels that dates back some 28 years ago, immediately following any base hits by Sexson, should Sexson decide to improve his batting average to any degree.
Sexson agreed that it's pretty much a miracle that any time he hits a ball on the good part of the bat, it's a miracle, so it would make him feel really good if Mariners fans could hear the sweet sound of Michaels' voice on the air.
Said Sexson, "I figure with 70+ games left in the year, providing that my inability to hit continues on a steady pace, I'll get at least five, maybe six more hits. I hit well against Texas because they have no good pitchers, but against pitchers in the rest of the league I think I'm hitting like .065 lifetime."
"Damn man I never really realized how much I royally and mightily stink. I was thinking recently maybe I should stop playing and spare Mariners fans my raw inability to do anything offensively. I was good with the Brewers, but back in those days I was smoking cigars and what not with Bob Eucker before every game. And my memory is bad but I think Uek also shot me up with some HGH before every game so that also helped over there with the Brew Crew."
"That really got me going, so with the Mariners I'm hoping this Michaels' thing will get me going at least a little. In 1980 there was a miracle in ice hockey. Why can't there be more miracles nowadays, and what better way is there to call a miracle play than to replay that Michaels thing? When I hit a ball in play and it's not caught, people have to recognize that a miracle is going down."
Said Teammate Raul Ibanez, "Richie is just not thinking straight. He's basically accepting and embracing the fact that he is the worst player in baseball. And that includes the minor leagues and independent leagues. Using a famous audio clip by Michaels to emphasize the unlikely-hood that Richie will get a hit just won't help Richie at all."
"Maybe he should work with our hitting coach. Although last time I checked, our hitting coach was busy filming for the new 'Bad News Bears' movie. I think he's playing Billy Bob Thornton's assistant. Or maybe Ichiro can help him, but every time Ichiro gives Richie hitting advice at the batting cage, he just looks the other way and asks Ichiro if he wants to get a bite to eat in Chinatown and watch Jackie Chan movies. Maybe for Richie hitting is not his thing. There's a Denny's opening up down the road, I'll go get him an application."
Mr. Sexson refused to respond to Ibanez comments, although he did say he will do his best to find some cool Japanese flicks to watch with Ichiro in his spare time. Sexson also plans to ignore his teammates' attempts to improve his swing, saying "Look, I'm trying hard to bring that losing feeling to the Mariners clubhouse, you guys aren't helping."
Said Manager Jim Riggleman, "It'll be a miracle if this guy even gets on base anymore. I mean this guy should stop playing and start mowing my lawn or look somewhere for a summer job. We have a first baseman in AAA who is pretty bad, but we'd like to call him up because our season is over, so we're gonna try any alternative out there. My 91 year old step mother doesn't even play baseball and her batting average is better than Richie's."