Exclusive Matt Jones Police Tape Script!

While thumbing through some online files in an attempt to learn more about Matt Jones' incident, I ran across some shocking footage!

The Jacksonville Jaguars tight end/wide receiver was allegedly caught with a fair amount of crystalline tropane alkaloid. Here's the transcript of his conversation with the police officer.

Police officer: Excuse me sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle for a minute please.

Matt Jones: Listen brother, do you know who I am? I'm Matt Jones, man. One of the top wideouts in the league.

Po: I don't care who you are, you reek of weed and have white powder all on your nose, sir.

MJ: Yeah, I'm sorry, man. My whole career has really gone downhill lately! I was terrible last year, I only caught 24 balls in 12 games.

Po: Looks like you've been spending as much time BLOWing games as you have engaging in these activities.

MJ: I'm sorry, man. Please don't let this get out. Commissioner Goodell is a real hardass. You know what he did to that other Jones character, right?

Po: Mr. Jones, I'm well aware. Roger's my brother. I don't think you can get away with this one. You're six times over the "intent to deliver" threshold. You're going to be gettin' the Pacman treatment on steroids. Not that you weren't already on them or anything in 2006.

MJ: Damn, bro. I have been doing this ever since Jags fans kept heckling me about being like that other MJ, Michael Jackson. They said I got a skin-change operation! I mean, I played so well my first two years, people were surprised when I stunk it up in 2007.

Now there aren't any good white wideouts anymore. We just suck. Someone even told me that Al Sharpton adopted Wes Welker to let him be a part of the brotherhood.

Po: Alright, that's enough of your nonsense, you're blown out of your damn mind...Give me those credit cards and put your hands on the car. You're under arrest for carrying cocaine and being under the influence of an illegal substance. Don't plan on putting the pads on anytime soon. It ain't gonna happen.

MJ: Can I call Jack [head coach Del Rio] and tell him I'm really sorry? He is going to be so disappointed. He loved me, man. Now he knows he just wasted a first round pick.

Po: Get in the car, Mr. Jones. Kiss that comeback season goodbye. My brother will have you in the pen for a long time.

Political correctness statement: This is a mock-up satire of the conversation between the police officer and Jones. These are still allegations, nothing has been proven.