Thursday, Yankees' slugger Jason Giambi received word from Major League Baseball that he has been suspended for Mustache-Enhancing Drugs.
"It's become fairly evident in recent weeks that Jason has been dabbling in those kinds of drugs," MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, through an interpreter. "No player in our league is able to grow facial hair like that and simultaneously perform at the high level that he has, without some sort of help."
Last week, Selig instituted a new anti-bad facial hair policy throughout the league.
Just an hour after the policy was instituted, Giambi was randomly selected by MLB officials to receive the first test.
"Suspicious? What do you mean?" Yankees' third baseman Alex Rodriguez said, through Madonna. "We've had weird policies in baseball for years. I mean, while I was playing for the Rangers I was suspended for wearing too much purple lipstick."
The Yankees held a press conference Thursday morning to announce Giambi's suspension.
"I'd like to apologize to my teammates, my fans, and, most of all, my groupies," Giambi said.
When asked what he was apologizing for, Giambi had little to say, as usual.
"I apologize. That's it. That's all I'm here to say. I'm not here to talk about the past," he said.
There has been speculation for weeks as to whether or not the combination of Giambi's bushy 'stache and golden thong have been helping him out in the batter's box.
Giambi has had a resurgent season for the Yankees, with a .394 OBP, 18 HR, and 54 RBI.
Today, it became clear that Major League Baseball will not tolerate such foolishness.
"We have always had a great image and reputation, and we will not have it compromised by a rogue, isolated cheater," Selig said, while fiddling with the Roger Clemens bobblehead doll on his desk. "This has been going on for years, and we will not tolerate it any longer."
"I had kinda seen this one coming", said Yankees' skipper Joe Girardi. "We all know that Jason has been washed up for years, and to suddenly have him break out this way, all while growing that admirable caterpillar on his face, it was just too good to be true."
Yankees part owner Hank Steinbrenner could not be reached for comment...for once.