NCAA '09 Bylaws

Since we are now within a week of NCAA '09 coming out, I've been waiting for the Bible/Torah/Koran/Phil Steele to be written for the game.  You know...something everyone can have on their wall as the 'Be All, End All' of rulings and etiquette for the game.

If someone else isn't going to write it, I'm going to have to throw it out there.

- The person's house/apartment/trailer/front yard that you are playing in gets first choice: Home or Visitor OR team choice.  Not both.  Suck at calling a virtual coin-flip but really good with Air Force?  You know what to do.  Person who first showed up at whomever's place of residence gets the call button if the home person isn't playing.  Running late?  You're going to get about as much say as Tina Turner did at the dinner table.

- You cannot play with the same teams.  You are a douche if you even bring it up.

- Showing up with your own game in a custom cover means "You don't wanna f**k with this guy."  +1 in the bad ass column if you take the time to print the cover off and cut it so it fits the case.  +5 if you Photoshop yourself into the cover.  You, sir, are a god in my eyes.

- Sure, you can use Kansas.  By doing so, you fully admit that you're lame.

- If you have a slow white guy at QB, and you have a faster, non-white guy as a backup, you can't bring in the backup unless your starter gets lit up and injured.  I'm looking at you Todd Boeckman.  This should be known as the "Terrelle Pryor Rule."  I was known to do this in Madden a few years ago—yank Tommy Maddox, insert Antwaan Randle-El (ex-Indiana QB, who had somewhat of an arm).  I realized that it was a puss move, and now there's a rule.

- One team is off limits: Florida.  They are always the best overall team.  You are pathetic if you have to use UF.  Using UF is the equivalent of the 'dick out hole' in golf—you're vulnerable to verbal abuse forever.  You had better win, or it's something that guy with Oregon State won't forget.  Losing with Florida is similar to losing to Von Kaiser in Punch-Out.

- West F**kin' Virginia is the best offensive team in the game.  You suck?  Use them.  Yep, they are even better than Mizzou.  Think: better RB (Noel Devine) and Chase with speed (Pat White).  You're about to give up 50-plus anyway, so throw up 60 and pray that ragtag defense can hold together.  Be warned—the receivers on WVU have less of a chance of catching the ball than "No Hands Ron" from 105.7 The Point, so be ready to run.  Running the ball is a hell of a lot easier than passing anyway.

- Don't run the same blitz play every down.  It's not Tecmo Bowl.  You have more plays than that, you pansy.

- You may, however, run the same thing on offense.  Expect to get lit up though.  If using tOSU, I'd suggest the QB draw until Boeckman's kneecap ends up on the other hash mark.  Then refer to the "Terrelle Pryor Rule."  Jackpot.

- Down by 28 after the first quarter?  Like a bad marriage, you're in it until the other party gives up too.  Expect to get routed.

- With the above beatdown rule in effect, even in a 76-7 smoke job, both players may celebrate like they hooked up with Miss August after any touchdown or big hit.  If you're good enough to lead by 69 (hee hee), and you give up a late fourth quarter TD, they have the right to celebrate.  But when you take the ensuing kickoff to the house, you must celebrate like you just won the Super Bowl.

Got a rule to add?  Use the comments.  And since you'll be in your basement for the next three weeks recruiting for the 2024 season, I'll be upstairs with your mom.  She makes the greatest meatloaf.  Make sure you turn the sound way up...this may take awhile.