Carolina Panthers: You're the Next Contestant on The QB Game! (Satire)

Victoria BenickContributor IMarch 8, 2010

CHARLOTTE, NC - JANUARY 03:  Jake Delhomme #17 of the Carolina Panthers reacts on the sidelines against the New Orleans Saints during their game at Bank of America Stadium on January 3, 2010 in Charlotte, North Carolina.  (Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)
Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

Carolina Panthers, it's now time to play the Quarterback Game!

::Cue applause from the live studio audience::

Here's how it works. Behind this groovy blue, black, and white flowered curtain we've set you up with three very interested quarterbacks. While you won't be able to see them until the end, you'll ask them a few questions to decide which quarterback is right for you.

So now, let's play the Quarterback Game!!

:: cue more audience applause ::

Let's meet our quarterbacks.

Quarterback No. 1 is a down-home country boy who likes long passes and strong defense. Meet Jake Delhomme!

:: Audience applauds ::

Quarterback No. 2 is a Virginia native who'd love to play in Carolina's colors. Meet Michael Vick

:: Audience applauds ::

And Quarterback No. 3 is a laid-back California guy who enjoys mixing patience with enthusiasm. Meet Matt Moore!

:: Audience applauds ::

Now Carolina, here's your chance to ask these men some questions to find out whose your...Eligible Quarterback!! Let's begin.

Carolina: "Quarterback No. 1, if you we're to rate your last season on a scale of 1-10 what would you give yourself and why?"

Jake: "It's all about the total effort. We all have our ups and downs. I'd say I'm looking down the road toward another up."

Carolina: "..Okay. Quarterback No. 2, same question."

Michael: "People can rate me how they want to rate me. I'm gonna give it my all no matter what's thrown at me. You just have to stay confident."

Carolina: "I like that attitude No. 2. Quarterback No. 3, If you could compare your style of play to a flavor of ice cream, what would it be and why?"

Matt: "I'd say definitely vanilla. I tend to stick with what I know but I'm consistent every time."

Carolina: "Quarterback No. 1, same question."

Jake: "When you're put in a tough situation, it's comes down to what's gonna work the best for the team. For my team, I'd be Strawberry. We all have a few bumps here and there but we try to stay sweet and creamy throughout."

Carolina: "Thanks. Quarterback No. 2, what would people say your biggest challenge is?"

Michael: "That's tough. On the field, it's all about confidence and hard work. Off the field people say I've faced challenges. I've faced enough to know I've got to keep working hard."

Carolina: "Great. And Quarterback No. 3, same question."

Matt: "I definitely think I'm a pretty laid back guy who faces each challenge as they come."

Carolina: "I like that in a Quarterback. This question is to all three of you, are you currently taken?"

Jake: "Yes. It's been a tough season but I'm still signed for three more years."

Michael: "Yes. But I'm ready to move from Birds to Cats. I've always liked cats better than dogs anyway."

Matt: "Yes, I'm ready to play and work hard."

Carolina: "Thanks boys."

Now Carolina, it's time for you to make your decision. Will you choose Quarterback No. 1, Quarterback No. 2, or Quarterback No. 3?

:: Audience loudly shouting out different number choices ::

Carolina: "Well, this is tough but I've made my choice. Quarterback No.1, you seem to be going through a rough patch so I'm sorry but I have to let you go.

"Quarterback No. 2, you've got great potential but you seem to be taken. So I'm sorry but I can't choose you.

"The Quarterback I choose is No. 3!" 

:: Audience cheers and applauds, final music comes on, and streams pop down from the ceiling ::

There you have it folks, Carolina and Matt. Let's see if these two cute kids can make this next season a match made in football heaven. That's all for tonight; See you here next time on....

The Quarterback Game!

:: Cue ending music, loud applause and cheers, and smiling faces on Carolina and Matt's faces ::


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