Brian Fuentes Is Being Courted By an Amish Family

MILLERSBERG, OH—As the trading deadline for baseball looms in the distance, Rockies' closer Brian Fuentes has become quite the hot commodity amongst major-league teams. The Devil Rays, A’s, and Yankees have all inquired with the Rockies about obtaining the closer; however, the real dark-horse candidate is lurking on the outskirts of Canton, Ohio, in a tiny Amish village.

ESPN’s Peter Gammons reports that the Platt family of Millersberg, Ohio is “strongly courting” the lefty closer to work on their farmstead. The Amish family has contacted Rockies GM Dan O’ Dowd several times over the past day via carrier pigeons and messenger boys, all of them iterating that the Amish family has much value in their “farm system” for the Rockies.

“Well, we are quite the small organization,” said head of household Dan Platt, as he leaned back in his 1800s-style rocking chair, chuckling. “It’s basically just myself, my beautiful wife Mary, and our six amazing children. But we have been scouting Brian (Fuentes) for quite a while, and we think we can put that arm to work in more ways than just one.”

The Platts have owned a modest cheese farm for the better part of the 1900s, and they’ve seen a recent downturn in revenue as a result of rising fuel costs.

This is only the second time a non-baseball organization has contacted a major-league team about a ballplayer. It happened last in 1996, when the Colorado Rockies traded infielder Craig Counsell to the Sbarro’s restaurant in Tallahassee, Florida (Counsell was traded for the two-slice lunch combo with an upgraded drink size).

More often than not, teams will go after young talent in order to simultaneously reduce payroll size and maintain long-term control of the newly-returned players.

All of which fits right into Dan Platt’s offer to the Colorado Rockies: RP Brian Fuentes for a mill, three calves, and ‘a portable picture taker.’

“Personally, I think the Rockies are getting long-term viability with this move,” says Platt. “Over the next two seasons, those three calves alone will provide over 6,000 gallons of the best milk Holmes County has to offer. We have no need for the portable picture taker, as it was a gift from the in-laws. We prefer our soul to stay intact, thank you.”

Rockies officials have not responded to the Platt’s offer as of publishing date.